a little bit of faith

Every once in awhile, something really bad happens.

Not your everyday, run-of-the-mill bad ~ something shocking, that resonates to your core.  Some people manage to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and -still carrying the burned imprint of their experience on their soul- make valiant attempts to move forward every day.

Some people falter.  Their fear, damage, or trauma is too much, too heavy, to carry on their shoulders every day alone.

Some people’s characters are strengthened, life experience deepened ~ they are forever changed, and that change cannot be defined in either positive or negative terms.  It merely is what it is.

If you’ve experienced a trauma that would affect a person like this, then you know that you can never fully get perspective on how it’s changed you.

I suffered a trauma once ~ and that trauma was so entwined with so many other life altering things that were occurring at the time, I know inherently I am forever changed by it … and I am not sure to what extent.

All people have flaws ~ everyone has quirks and traits that make them inherently who they are.  Finding others to love you for the flaws and quirks and traits that make you you is, I believe, part of the fun of life.  Having the ability to share who you are as a person demonstrates, in my eyes, a person’s strength of character, and comfort in their own skin.  It’s like saying “I am who I am, and I’m good with it.  I’m working on me every day, and I’m doing it based on what I believe and value in life. Thanks for liking the person I am.”

I don’t believe in hiding parts of my life ~ or to be more correct, in concealing.  What happened to me happened ~ it can’t be changed … but I also try not to dwell on it too much.  It’s part of me, it’s part of the person I am today.  In some ways it has made me a stronger person ~ and even though I get teased about it, it also knocked me down a few pegs from my naive perch regarding humanity.

Due to the fact that I wasn’t alone in my experience, I am going to choose not to get into detail on a website that’s open for all to read.  I respect and love the other people who were there with me too much to open up their old wounds along with mine.

So last night, when I mentioned the many things bouncing around in my mind like multiple pin balls, these were some of them.  I’m struggling to come to terms with the repercussions of the trauma I suffered ~ and even as years slip by, the memories are so clear that I shock myself with my gut reactions sometimes.  I also thought about how these things, which so profoundly affected me, have also changed me. I thought about how I don’t want them to be excuses, but how I also needed to embrace who I am because of it all.

So I guess this is me, saying this is who I am.  I have flaws, and quirks that make me me.  I ‘m not the same person I was when I was 21 ~ I doubt I’ll be the same person when I’m 41.  But I’m trying to have a little faith that if I work every day at being a better person, a more patient person, a more thoughtful person, then hopefully bit by bit, I’ll be the best version of me I can be, and the scars and quirks and flaws that are associated with the trauma that occurred will fade quietly into the background.

2 thoughts on “a little bit of faith

  1. Thanks for this. It’s always good to be reminded that we all experience trauma and are forced to find ways to move on as well as to find ways to adjust to the changes it has made to the core of who we are, good or bad.

    Sending you love and already feeling the love I know you will send me in return!

    • Read your tumblr post from last night. You’re very wise … sometimes we need our person to be our rock … and sometimes, we have to be theirs. It’s good knowing that the person who is there in your most vulnerable time is someone you trust and love unconditionally, and they you in return … It’s all about the give & take … and your words were so true, on all points.

      I just wanted to send you even more love … always. So glad I know you.

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