This month has been a little crazy for me. Sooooo many MS appointments, needles in my arms, big magnets, life-saving drugs, etc etc.
Today, Facebook reminded me that a year ago, I left my old employer. It blew my mind that it has both been a year, and been.a.year! So much has changed.
To be fair, I probably should have left a lot earlier than I did. I don’t think I had any concept of how wildly unhappy I was until several months of decompression had occurred. Suddenly I wasn’t angry any more, I wasn’t constantly stressed out about things I couldn’t control and I began to see my life a little more clearly.
Multiple sclerosis is pretty serious. I mean, it is but it also isn’t. I think I’m just used to it by now. It’s just how my waking hours are shaped every day. I learn, I make adjustments, i forge on. I don’t think I spent nearly enough time thinking about that and how my life had changed with my diagnosis until I wasn’t working any more. I mean, my job controlled my whole life. It was always priority number one.
And let’s be honest. For years, it was a one in a million job. I had lucked out. But then, suddenly, it wasn’t anymore. And I had to call it. I don’t regret that.
I know this post is a little bit of a ramble through my mind, but everyone’s journey is different. Just like everyone’s MS is different. We all get up in the morning and do our best … and sometimes that’s enough and sometimes it isn’t. When I lie down to sleep every night (well, y’know, most nights when the fatigue hasn’t totally clobbered me) I do an inventory of the day. Did I drink enough water? Did I eat well? Did I exercise? Did the chores get done, the laundry folded, the groceries bought and put away? Did the damn floor get cleaned?!? (It is the bane of my existence). Did I moisturize, brush my teeth (this one is a little hard for me to forget, I’m manic about brushing my teeth!) did I take care of all my MS stuff …. I mean, the list doesn’t end. I’ve usually fallen asleep before I get through it.
MS makes you think about other things as well, when you’re ready to think about them. It makes you think about how you spend your time, how you spend your money, what you prioritize, who your real friends are. It helps you to shape your life in a better way — both mentally and physically. Possibly emotionally as well, but I’m not sure I’ve gotten there.
There are a million ways to live a life. When I left Z, I worried that I’d made the worst decision. That I would look back and regret it. I justified. I got angry. I twisted everything up and over-examined it. But you know what really healed all the pain that it had caused me?
Time away. Time pursuing other dreams. Time that rolled on and moved away. And suddenly, all the angst, all the introspection, all the heartache and self-doubt and stress and anxiety that those seven years had caused me feels very far away. And I feel free.