It’s been a tough year.
Well, possibly more than a year at this point.
It’s been a struggle. For a million and one reasons, but a challenge. Everything I tried to do took triple the effort that I remembered it taking in the past. And it all wiped me out ~ like, lights out at 8pm on a Saturday wiped out. My head felt foggy most of the time ~ like all the sharpness that I’d once possessed looked like the nub of a well-used pencil. Things I’d always taken care of seemed unimportant ~ as though laundry, or vacuuming no longer mattered.
There didn’t seem to be solutions, answers ~ any sort of path.
And then ~ we tried the fourth medicine. And I no longer felt like I was having mini-strokes, I didn’t have huge welts and bruises all over my arms and legs, and depression didn’t seem to be overwhelming my life anymore (all previous, debilitating side effects).
And then, after weeks of yoga ‘therapy’ I was suddenly able to do dancer’s pose again ~ my teacher had found a way to modify practice so i felt like I actually was practicing. And I can stay up until 10pm on a weeknight and still get up at 6am for work. And even though my legs are still numb and sometimes I can’t hold my right hand steady (among other things) I can take Lucy out at night without fear of falling down, and get out of bed without falling into the wall, and work a full day and remember everything the way I used to.
It’s as though the fog is lifting, and I’m capable of doing things again, and capable of maintaining my life while still doing my job. I might not ever run a half marathon, or be able to climb a rock wall (possibly something that used to be on my bucket list after Camp Henry in sixth grade) … but I know I can function. And I can still practice yoga. And I can still cook, and write and read and swim (again, among other things!).
I feel as though I’m surfacing again after a long time drowning. There were a lot of band aids over the course of this journey, but nothing felt like the light at the end of the tunnel until now.
It’s nice to feel a little like myself again. It’s like the ultimate sigh of relief.