Life has been moving at warp speed. When the man and I woke up on May 1st, turned to each other, and said (with smiles and giggles and kisses) that we were a month away from our big day … yeah, that moment feels like it happened yesterday. And yet … we are less than 9 full days away now from June 1st.
Everything feels like it’s happening at heightened levels of emotion. Work has been intense for both of us ~ I can’t speak for the man, but for me, after over three years of starts and stops, my company is officially opening a second location. With that comes amazing excitement and motivation .. but also (awesome timing, right?) a LOT of work. Sometimes, lately more often than is convenient, my brain feels like putty.
I have to say that my journey since the start of 2013 has been incredible. Big ups, deep lows ~ a ton of uncertainty. I’ve had to make adjustments and learn to live my life in a different way and at a different pace. I began a post the other day in which I specifically stated that my body shuts down at 10pm. If I’m sitting somewhere without access to a clock I can tell you within a minute if it’s 10pm. My eyelids get heavy and all interest in anything other that sleep disappears. It’s uncanny.
It’s funny to think that so much of 2013 has come and gone. And here the man and I stand, on the metaphorical threshold of our shared life, looking out across our future. It’s changed a lot since we met on a cold, rainy day in December of 2007. And what’s incredible to me is how much has changed in the last five months.
I will be the first to admit that I have been … handicapped?… by insecurity for much of my adult life. I will also admit I’ve made my share of mistakes, but additionally (unfortunately for me) people’s words of criticism are hard for me to forget. I’ve carried those criticisms for many years, allowing them to chip away at me, hold me back at times, and kick my feet out from underneath me. This year, I’ve gained a lot of confidence. I always have my ‘self-motivation’ moments ~ when I scour the shelves at B & N and spend too much time sipping chai tea and reading advice that all basically sounds the same. Something about this year has been different.
Last night I was confronted with a test. I’ve spent the past few months trying to be more positive, to look at the bright side, to relax and not stress myself out. And then ~ this person showed up, and for whatever reason, felt the need to say truly horrible things as though they were flippant. As though it were acceptable to say these things aloud to others. i was deeply upset, troubled ~ unsettled. But I slept on it ~ because here’s the truth ~ I have immediate, strong and sometimes really inaccurate gut reactions. I’m a drama queen ~ a person ruled by emotion. Sometimes it’s best to take a step back and really look at a situation with as much perspective as you can get.
And today, with as much of that perspective as I could muster, I decided that I had been right. Being friends with someone who is destructive to you isn’t a friendship ~ and maintaining it is irresponsible unless you are a glutton for punishment. And here’s the thing I learned … or maybe I decided it. I have to be okay with the people I spend time with. And if those people try to drag me down, don’t respect me. and/or insult my family and kin purely for sport or to get a reaction ~ that’s not the kind of person I want in my life.
John said to me a little bit ago that since I chose to be positive, my whole demeanor had changed. He said “Babe, you are actually happier since you decided to be.” Such a huge compliment from someone who has to put up with me all the time (and in less than 9 days legally!… and forever!). I think part of that is also choosing the company I want to keep ~ happy people promote happiness. Petty, angry, bitter people promote bitterness. Actually, when I put it like that, it’s pretty simple.
So that’s my moment of today. I’ve had a lot of those over the last few weeks and have started and stopped a bunch of posts. It’s made me think about this blog, and what I’m looking to get out of it. So I’ve made a decision. When i get back from my honeymoon (!!!) I want to refocus on cooking ~ and moving forward, the blog, cooking and various activities and adventures will have a common theme ~ learning about and living with MS. Diet is a huge part of managing the disease, and I feel as though the man and I have just begun to scratch the surface of foods and meals that work for me/us. I’m looking forward to the new journey. If I don’t get back here before, I’d like to say right now that June 1st is most assuredly going to be the best day of my life.