never-ending

I’d like to believe that there’s a part of every single person that believes inherently that they are destined to do great things.

I mean, if we don’t all believe that, what are we doing?  Are we really content with just being mediocre?  Being middle of the road?

I don’t think that’s a thing.

And yet, in the months I’ve been home, I’ve come to see my restrictions so clearly it can be frightening.  I’m tired — all the time.  Not sometimes, or in the afternoon, or after a long day.  All the time.  When I’m rested, when I’ve eaten well, when I’ve slept through the night (it does happen!).  I’m always tired.  Sometimes it’s mild — like, whoops, I went to bed too late, but I can power through this day.  Sometimes it’s so all-consuming I’m unsure whether my brain will ever function normally again.  When I’m really tired, I forget things.  A lot of things.  It feels like I’m drunk, or perhaps drugged … like the world is faraway, and I’m seeing it all through water.  I play a game every morning, just to test myself.  I always try to remember what movie was on when I fell asleep.  Sometimes it’s easy.  I remember right away.  Sometimes I have to ask John.  Sometimes I just can’t remember, and I get so frustrated.

Today I wondered if I would ever be able to do anything ever again, the fatigue was so shattering.

And yet, I have to believe that if it’s something I care about, something I feel passionately about, I’ll get it done, I’ll figure it out.

There are a million things I want to do in my life.  And I certainly don’t want MS to be the obstacle preventing me.  And as I lay in bed after my nap today, I also knew deep down that I don’t want to be mediocre.  I don’t want to come and go through this life and not leave a mark.

I think I’m finally ready to figure out my next phase, my next step, the next chapter of my life.  If I can stay awake long enough! 🙂

 

 

gratitude

Do you know who you are?

I mean, really for real, deep in your gut, know yourself?

Do any of us?

Aren’t we all a work in progress, an exercise in trying and failing and trying again?

On Monday an old co-worker called.  I think of him more as a pseudo brother ~ we had one of those relationships that ebbed and flowed and sometimes there were tears (mine, not his.  And quite a long time ago).  And a lot of time there was laughter.  We enthused over Eminem years after his Marshall Mathers LP dominated my life.  We were the blind leading the blind for many years, learning as we went, always being on call.  He let me be me, and I think I did the same. We had an unspoken understanding of ‘how things were’ and we both worked hard to make everything perfect.  We both got tired.

I’ve been spending this year trying to figure out who I am, what I want — what direction to go.  Every few weeks I panic and send out a million resumes to jobs I don’t want (haha!  They usually don’t want me, either!).  I would get so tired I’d spend an entire day trying to make it to bedtime … only to get up every two hours throughout the night.  I got frustrated, discouraged, afraid.  And I was always exhausted.  A little forlorn.

My conversation on Monday began to change all that.  I remembered my passion for things, my determination.  I remembered what I have to offer.

And for that, for that feeling of re-ignition, I am profoundly grateful.  November is always the month when we post daily gratitudes (an exercise that I find invades all aspects of life, and somehow spreads sunshine on the darkest of days).  But to feel that spark again, that motivation to act, to clear the cobwebs and once again move with purpose — there are no proper words of thankfulness.

There is only the warm glow of knowledge — of friendships forged in trenches, of industries full of passion and wonder, of unbridled love for food, and beverage and hospitality.  Feelings that I thought died long, long ago.  I am so grateful for new beginnings, for true friends, for second chances and for untapped opportunities.