I’d like to believe that there’s a part of every single person that believes inherently that they are destined to do great things.
I mean, if we don’t all believe that, what are we doing? Are we really content with just being mediocre? Being middle of the road?
I don’t think that’s a thing.
And yet, in the months I’ve been home, I’ve come to see my restrictions so clearly it can be frightening. I’m tired — all the time. Not sometimes, or in the afternoon, or after a long day. All the time. When I’m rested, when I’ve eaten well, when I’ve slept through the night (it does happen!). I’m always tired. Sometimes it’s mild — like, whoops, I went to bed too late, but I can power through this day. Sometimes it’s so all-consuming I’m unsure whether my brain will ever function normally again. When I’m really tired, I forget things. A lot of things. It feels like I’m drunk, or perhaps drugged … like the world is faraway, and I’m seeing it all through water. I play a game every morning, just to test myself. I always try to remember what movie was on when I fell asleep. Sometimes it’s easy. I remember right away. Sometimes I have to ask John. Sometimes I just can’t remember, and I get so frustrated.
Today I wondered if I would ever be able to do anything ever again, the fatigue was so shattering.
And yet, I have to believe that if it’s something I care about, something I feel passionately about, I’ll get it done, I’ll figure it out.
There are a million things I want to do in my life. And I certainly don’t want MS to be the obstacle preventing me. And as I lay in bed after my nap today, I also knew deep down that I don’t want to be mediocre. I don’t want to come and go through this life and not leave a mark.
I think I’m finally ready to figure out my next phase, my next step, the next chapter of my life. If I can stay awake long enough! 🙂