never-ending

I’d like to believe that there’s a part of every single person that believes inherently that they are destined to do great things.

I mean, if we don’t all believe that, what are we doing?  Are we really content with just being mediocre?  Being middle of the road?

I don’t think that’s a thing.

And yet, in the months I’ve been home, I’ve come to see my restrictions so clearly it can be frightening.  I’m tired — all the time.  Not sometimes, or in the afternoon, or after a long day.  All the time.  When I’m rested, when I’ve eaten well, when I’ve slept through the night (it does happen!).  I’m always tired.  Sometimes it’s mild — like, whoops, I went to bed too late, but I can power through this day.  Sometimes it’s so all-consuming I’m unsure whether my brain will ever function normally again.  When I’m really tired, I forget things.  A lot of things.  It feels like I’m drunk, or perhaps drugged … like the world is faraway, and I’m seeing it all through water.  I play a game every morning, just to test myself.  I always try to remember what movie was on when I fell asleep.  Sometimes it’s easy.  I remember right away.  Sometimes I have to ask John.  Sometimes I just can’t remember, and I get so frustrated.

Today I wondered if I would ever be able to do anything ever again, the fatigue was so shattering.

And yet, I have to believe that if it’s something I care about, something I feel passionately about, I’ll get it done, I’ll figure it out.

There are a million things I want to do in my life.  And I certainly don’t want MS to be the obstacle preventing me.  And as I lay in bed after my nap today, I also knew deep down that I don’t want to be mediocre.  I don’t want to come and go through this life and not leave a mark.

I think I’m finally ready to figure out my next phase, my next step, the next chapter of my life.  If I can stay awake long enough! 🙂