It’s been a week.
I have discovered – in the most humbling of ways – that I am not actually capable of keeping all balls in the air without some crashing to pieces.
I thought – incredibly naively – that I could continue to manage my company’s daily business AND be a present and supportive wife during John’s surgery. This was a vast miscalculation. It was flat out impossible. There were moments this week that I could not have been counted on to spell my own name correctly, let alone handle anything of significance at all. On Wednesday night – after seeing John safely ensconced in the ICU unit with his incredibly capable nurses — I barely made it back to the hotel. I was seriously whacked out with fatigue. I lay down on the bed fully clothed (the energy to remove my sneakers seemed impossible to summon). I fell asleep before my dinner arrived. I couldn’t focus on anything. All my energy – for hours, for days, had been so solely focused on surviving John’s surgery that I had unknowingly exhausted myself.
I can tell you right now that my husband’s eyes rolled while reading that last sentence. He’s a seasoned pro at MEN, he’s had three prior surgeries. In fact, he mislead me about his surgery’s duration just to alleviate my stress levels because he thinks I take all of this stuff too seriously. Maybe I do. But I don’t think I ever want to become jaded, hardened, disillusioned. Surgery is a miracle, a beautiful art that man has been perfecting for years. The knowledge that all the people who took care of my husband have – mind-blowing. And these people work at one of the premier places of medicine in our country. They are incredible.
I have never felt this tired in all my life. And I have MS folks, so I feel tired ALL.THE.TIME. I thought I could be super woman – do it all – but a point came when I knew I didn’t care. Not even a little bit, not for a moment. About anything other than my husband. Life is a short, beautiful journey. And we all spend so much time fussing about insignificant things.
I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends – especially Kate (God only knows why she’s still friends with me but I am so grateful that she is!). I am grateful for my life and my job – the purpose it provides me on a daily basis. I am not grateful for the stress, or the fact that no time is a sacred time outside of work. I do not love that I felt pulled in a thousand directions this week when I should have only been present in one.
That’s both my fault and a product of our society. We are all going so fast, things are so vital — we forget to stop and appreciate what is important.
I’m not entirely sure how to fix that. Or change it. But it was incredibly evident this week. And it was uncomfortable. I don’t think I should have felt any pressure outside of the surgery John faced. And I think – as a society — we need to figure out how to stop and smell the roses a little. Be in the Moment.