So, I totally get that I talk a lot about life, and transitioning, and feeling comfortable in my own skin, and fear of the unknown (even if I don’t articulate it, that’s where I’ve found most of the angst comes from … diving headfirst into something with no frame of reference …).
I over think a lot, and I over analyze everything and I constantly compare … am I doing things the right way? Am I on the right path?
I don’t know if I’ve always been this way (methinks in certain ways I have) but I know that as I come to terms with certain occurrences in my past, I also come to terms with how I have allowed my reactions to emotionally manifest themselves. Before I start happily skipping down memory lane (ahem, ugh) ~ I’m going to stop and just state the important truth I faced down recently. Sometimes, fueled by nerves (perhaps an understatement for ‘fear’ … but I’m trying to cut myself a little slack!) I try to control things in a vice-like grip. I feel as though if I can just anticipate and schedule and plan and just know.exactly.what’s.coming.at.all.times, then I won’t be surprised, caught off guard, or -as it went down once- have my entire life ripped out from underneath me.
It can be a bit exhausting. And it takes away the simple pleasure of small surprises.
However, today, I surprised myself a little bit, and it made my whole day. The man and I have been struggling to get into better routines involving food ~ aka, actually preparing lunches for work on Monday, instead of getting around to it on Thursday. And cooking relatively healthy dinners. This blog was really helpful in the beginning, but I was just learning to cook, so most recipes I had to research, and then buy ingredients for ~ and it ended up dominating our entire evening, because I didn’t really have a frame of reference or any dexterity with cooking.
This weekend, after doing some kitchen updating, I made a comprehensive grocery list that included lunch components and multiple mix and match dinner options. Today, both the man and I had lunch and for dinner, we had fresh pasta with diced tomatoes, asparagus and baby portobello mushrooms made with EVOO, lots of garlic, S & P and some seasoning we received from a wedding a few weeks ago (excellent Chicago spice shop favored by the bride and groom). I also made some breaded chicken breasts. And we sat down to a delicious meal by 8.30p (I didn’t escape from work until nearly 7pm ~ oy!).
(Sidenote: I’m an avid “Good Housekeeping” reader, and this evening, as I prepared dinner in the newly decked out kitchen, using a little bit of this and that to create a meal, I had this hilarious moment when I knew this was the exact moment that I felt I earned the “Good Housekeeping” seal of approval. It still makes me crack up thinking about it. )
So the thing is ~ this evening I loosened my grip a little and just trusted myself, and voila, we had food and nobody died. It probably sounds silly, but it was such a rush for me. Life is still pretty intimidating, and I’m still going to try to control as much of it as I can. But as I slowly regain my footing and believe in myself, the ‘diving headfirst into something with no frame of reference’ begins to feel a little less terrifying.