the seed of doubt

Recently, I’ve been faced with quite a conundrum.

I’m not sure if the conundrum is fatigue-related.  (In regards to my use of fatigue, I mean exhaustion, not the uniform of soldiers).

I don’t know if the conundrum is as dire as I sometimes believe it is.

I have lost track, at this point, of which side I’m pulling for.  There no longer seems to be two opposing forces; instead it’s multi-faceted.

‘Aye, there’s the rub!’  (*Name that Shakespeare play!  Bonus points … which character says it?)

I’ve completely lost perspective.

Okay, so here’s what happened.  Generally.

Because of the … ummm …. let’s say ‘growing pains’ that my work situation has been experiencing of late, someone very generously offered the company an amenity that was needed, out of the goodness of his heart (as much as that exists in the business world).

To express its gratitude, the company offered a non-monetary … barter? shall we say? … in return.

The barter was directly related to me.

And I was approached in a very  … might I say unusual? … and somewhat confusing way.

(Can everyone accurately feel the eggshells on which I am very tentatively tip toeing across?)

After the unusual approach, I was feeling a bit taken aback, and even more vulnerable than I had been feeling since the whole barter-exchange thing-o took place. There are so many contributing factors to this that it’s not even worth getting into the particulars, but here’s something that is important.

Occasionally, I over think things.

Now, in retrospect, I don’t agree that I completely over thought this ~ I do think that voicing my concerns and establishing some boundaries was important.  But boy oh boy, did I fixate and let it manifest.

And it made me contemplate the whole process, and how small injustices can become completely distorted and exaggerated out of proportion.  It made me think about human nature; a person’s innate instinct to protect oneself.  One of the (many) things I’ve learned as I’ve wracked up the notches on the calendar, is that trying to understand all sides to a story before completely freaking out is a pretty good skill.  Very useful, and it almost always helps you avoid getting egg on your face, or burning with embarrassment at the memory of the event in question.  It’s a skill that requires discipline.  I’m still learning.  I think it takes lots of practice (at least that’s what I’m telling myself!).

It’s also interesting to consider how seemingly small word choices in somewhat explosive situations can so completely expose one’s vulnerability.  I realized with somewhat of a shock, that my immediate reaction to the situation in question revealed something about myself.

So the thing is, when you are always on guard, and always expecting the worst, or a deception, it makes you less likely to accept things at face value.  That’s not a good thing.  It’s sort of sad, really, and when I had my epiphany regarding my own behavior, it made me a little sad for myself.  And after that, I felt even worse for people who do things that are both generous and thoughtful for me (especially the man) that I inherently question.

Does that mean I have trust issues?  Who knows.

What it does mean is that a seed of doubt was planted in my mind, and because of many factors, including my tendency to over think things and my constant worry that someone is trying to dupe me (I know, paranoid much? ~ but there are reasons … another time, another rumination), a seed of doubt for me grows rapidly.

And I guess what I wanted to say in this post, in a very roundabout way, is that this particular seed of doubt was a very good exercise for me in inter-personal relations and effective business communication.  I definitely floundered, and took some things a bit too personally.  But I felt like I also took a huge step forward in dealing with something that had originally completely knocked me off my feet.

And I’m not burning with embarrassment, or covered in egg.

I may (or may not!) have slightly pink-tinged ears.  But that’s better than a beet red face!  I’ll take it for today as progress-made.



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