A few infusions ago, a man came into our room to tout the benefits of reiki.  He explained that many people have found great relief through reiki.  And then he paused and looked conspiratorially at us both.  “And, I don’t want to — well, three nurses who were all trying to get pregnant had one session each and they all got pregnant!“. He smiled widely.  My eyes slid to the side as I smiled weakly.

I’m not sad that women who wanted children were able to have them.  I wasn’t sad that I don’t have children.  I even believe in reiki and think it’s fantastic that UPenn has a program for patients.  I was slightly annoyed by his pitch.

“Wrong audience,” I said to John as he left, leaning my head back to check my meds level.

Here’s my thing – we are all living on this Earth for our one life.  Even if we get more, even if reincarnation is a real thing and we keep coming back again and again we won’t know because very few people remember their former lives and anyway, that’s beside the point right now.  We get this life.  This one, beautiful, precious, difficult, challenging, confusing life.  What a cool miracle.

And so many of us just … live in a lane and a belief system and impose it on everyone else as though it’s the rightest of right ways to exist.  As though I should want children, don’t I want children, isn’t it so sad that I don’t have children?

Not really.

I mean, for me, not really.  I don’t hate kids – in fact, I adore my goddaughter and her brother and so many little humans that I’ve known across the years.  But I don’t want my own.  And even when – momentarily – I did think having kids would be excellent, I was never devastated when it didn’t happen.

This is just one example of society telling me – both loudly and subtly – what I should be doing and wanting in my one precious life.  And I’m kind of over it.

I’d be fairly narcissistic to believe that my legacy will live on forever after I’m gone.  So why shouldn’t I just embrace this time, this ride, and really enjoy as much of it as I can?

I think about this a lot when I’m hooked up to meds.  Because every four weeks we schlep into the city so I can have drugs pumped into my veins in order to be able to live my one precious life the best way I can.

And that’s kind of what I want to do.

Xox, g