the grind

And we find ourselves, as per the usual, back again at Monday.

Today wasn’t quite as intense as last Monday.  Work still felt like I was wading through quicksand — really difficult and really slow.  But I didn’t shake all day.  I got things done, slowly and quietly crossing things off the list.

As I was driving home, listening to my most favorite app, audible.com, I began to think about who I am as a person. Don’t worry.  It didn’t come out of left field — it started with my upcoming business trip.  A quick trip to LA to eat some good food and help to bring shape to our newest restaurant concept.

We’re staying at a very nice hotel.  Apparently, it has quite the pool scene (I imagine the MTV beach house — but that’s probably my imagination and my age).  No spa though.  According to the website, it’s 2 miles from a lot of things.  I’m sort of at a loss as to what I’m going to do with all my free time.

This is where the afore-mentioned thought process began.

I’m a girl — woman, whatever — who listens to books about King Arthur on audible.  I’m not listening to the ‘cool’ books, or the ‘trendy’ books.  I’m listening to historical fiction or gentle portraits of a human’s life.  There’s nothing edgy about me,  I watch Newsroom on repeat, am currently binge-watching Madam Secretary [and wondering why I don’t do work every day that has a bigger impact on the American experience], and I love LoTR, Star Wars, Batman and Rocky. I go to bed before 9.30pm most nights.  I like to talk about football, current events, history, food and books.  I have never done drugs.  Like, for real and I went to school for theatre and have been in the restaurant business more than half my life.

And I’m okay with all of that.  I like me, I like the things I like — I find comfort in the choices I make and the things I enjoy.  I’m not delusional enough to think that any of it makes me cool, or trendy, or cutting edge (which would help out in the business that I’m in).

But sometimes, I feel like a square peg in a round hole.  As though I’m in a world and profession in which I don’t belong.  My husband listens to my rambles and attributes it to my occasional, intense struggles with SAD.  I’m not sure what it is — maybe just having a moment of detachment,  Who can say for sure?

Maybe I’m just having a case of the Mondays.  And that’s okay, right?

a moment of truth

Trying to blog every day has been much more challenging that I anticipated.  I have posted more than once about what this space has become for me — my ideas and intentions.  And inevitably I have fallen short — distracted by life and without very good reasons for my neglect other than sheer laziness.

I’m not saying that to be overly harsh to myself or to evoke any pity.  I don’t have any other word to describe the reality that so often, doing nothing at the end of a day is so much more appealing than doing anything constructive.  My brain is so fried and overworked, all I want to do is shut off.  Blogging — while usually cathartic — does not allow my brain to shut off.

2015 has come in with  bang and John and I have no deep winter lull as the weather freezes around us — he’s away in Cancun for five days beginning tomorrow and is only home for two before I’m off to LA for work.  And then he’s off to NYC again for work before the end of the month.  I am not used to such an absurdly active January.  I mean — before we know it the seasons will be changing and summer will be here.

I also seem to habitually forget (perhaps mentally block?) the extreme pressure and stress of my job in January.  It’s beyond crazy.  I’m pretty sure I’m losing my mind and one of the thousand balls I have suspended in the air is going to crash and splinter and fall through the cracks.  And if one does, businesses are jeopardized, thousands of dollars are at stake and many people’s livelihoods are put on the line. That’s some real sh*t, lemme tell you.

But when I have had a moment of overwhelming paralysis this week, I’ve also reminded myself that this business and insanity have given us a good life.  And that’s a bigger blessing than anything.  So I’m going to keep pushing myself to come to this space every day, even if what I write is stupidly inconsequential.  And I’m going to keep on being grateful for the pressure and the busy-ness because it has given John and I so many gifts.

And that being said, I’m off to bed.

panic attack

Right now, my eyelids are so heavy and my mind is so thick I cannot guarantee that this post will make any sense.

Today was a flurry of anxiety, frustration, fear and utter despair.  I honestly wondered halfway through the day how I’d possibly done my job successfully to this point.  I felt as though I was drowning.  I try to learn every day at work — learn a little bit more about accounting, learn a little bit more about HR, learn a little bit more about insurance.   Sometimes I feel as though my head is going to explode.  Often I feel as though I’m failing.  Luckily, and by the grace of God combined with a little hard work and elbow grease on my part, I’ve managed to be fairly decent at what I do, and I keep growing as the business grows — I guess that’s all I can ask for.

But amidst the growth and learning and keeping things rolling along come days like today.  Ooof.

It’s somewhat surreal to shake uncontrollably for the majority of your day and not have a clear idea how to make it stop.  But eventually, as another wave of panic seemed to engulf me, I realized I’d gotten through the majority of my to-do list, and I was safe to hit the road and head home.

Lucy had come to work with me (a leaky pipe and the necessity of a plumber shutting off the water is always the way a person likes to begin their first week of the new year).  So we packed up my (overstuffed) bag and headed home.

I thought about my resolutions on my drive home — I actually thought about them a lot as I lay in the murky early morning darkness trying to settle my wildly pounding heart.  Anxiety is the worst.  But beginning each day by confirming that it is going to be a good day — SO HARD.

And yet, I sort of think it made today a little better.  So that’s a start.