February, 2021
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Day 48
”Try not to become a person of success, but rather become a person of value.”
~ Albert Einstein
Every winter/spring, I go through what I affectionately refer to as my self-help phase. Perhaps as a way to begin my year by very intentionally learning and growing. Pushing boundaries. Perhaps because as the old year comes to a close, I find myself wanting in certain areas. Perhaps because not only is a new calendar year beginning, but another year of my life begins each December. I’m not sure. What I am sure of is my desire each January to keep chipping away at myself, in hopes of revealing my inner David. (Pardon the Michelangelo reference, but it’s one of my favorites).
The above quote is another of my favorites because it reminds me that my actions and choices should not be guided by financial (or any other kind) of success, but rather by the pursuit of being the best, most well-rounded human that I can be. By creating, within my being, a vessel of value.
In that vein, I am working my way through Robert Wright’s Why Buddhism is True and it has – to this point – profoundly affected me and my worldview. To be fair, I began it a loooooong time ago and found my way back to it this January. Maybe I needed that time away to gain perspective. I’m not sure.
To help clarify, let me begin at my beginning.
Every night (nearly every night) and most mornings, I sit down on my bolster, next to my Buddha statue, and I meditate. At the beginning, I really didn’t know what I was doing. I’d wanted to begin meditating for a long time (every one said it was so great!) but didn’t really know how to start. It all felt uncomfortably disingenuous. Last January I began yoga teacher training, and meditation was a big component. And thus, my practice began.
Even during teacher training I wasn’t really sure what the heck was going on, and I was pretty resistant. Not purposefully, but it’s inherently within me to resist (I’m working on it). So it was really Covid and being stuck at home that brought me to the meditations on Peloton. Even then, I was skeptical.
Meditation is this thing that for me had a lot of baggage about what it should be and how it should feel. And I didn’t get it or feel it so I kind of dismissed it. Books and magazines and my yogi friends all espoused its transformative power but to me … it was just … overly burdened with expectations.
Even so, I dutifully kept at it, thinking that with repetition I might finally clue in to the big deal.
There was a moment late last summer when I said to John, as I padded back to our bedroom, that I could feel the difference between nights I meditated and nights I didn’t but I couldn’t articulate what it was … I could just feel it.
I think that’s the thing with meditation, and it’s why I’ve struggled for so long. I need to be able to define it, to give it words and form and shape … and meditation is essentially formless and shapeless.
That’s what Why Buddhism is True has given to me if nothing else (and it’s far from nothing else). It has validated my inability to adequately describe meditation, its ‘instructions’ or really anything about it. Other than to say I do it, it makes sense and I feel its benefits.
Which brings me back to Albert Einstein. I think meditation serves as a tool to help me be a better version of myself — to continue developing my character in order to become a person of value.
Xoxo, g
Day 47
If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound?
This is an age old question. When I was younger, my automatic answer was — of course! As I’ve aged, the answer gets more illusive. Does sound exist if ears do not exist to hear it? Is sound a by-product of the ears? As in — if our ears were constructed another way, would actions produce the same sound/noise? Would a cello sound like a cello … or would the sound manifest differently?
If no human ears are present in the woods when the tree falls, is the noise the same, different or non-existent?
Thoughts.
The same principle can be applied to many things. The one I have been thinking about a lot recently is this — if I don’t post about the roses my husband sent me for Valentine’s Day, did the roses exist? … And in turn, if I am not posting about the minutia of my life on social media, does my life have value? Is value derived from applause?
There are arguments to be made that it does. We seek approval, we seek praise — those are good validations of our existence and they can be achieved by merely posting photos (and the occasional video!) on social media and then counting the number of hearts (or thumbs up or whatever). I can successfully quantify my life via social media.
Should I? Is it healthy? Is it necessary? Is there more value to a life lived publicly for approval and validation than a life lived within the four walls of one’s house? Solely for the pleasure of oneself?
Giving up social media has made these questions front and center to me. I find comfort in just existing without strangers reinforcing my life choices. But sometimes, I also feel lonely. As though I need that validation to continue existing happily.
Forty-seven days in, and I’m wondering if I’ll ever go back.
Xox, g
Day 46
Life ebbs and flows. My days ebb & flow. Sometimes up, sometimes down. Sometimes a blur. The older I get the more I see the rhythm and accept it, rather than fight it. I will have good times. I will have bad times. There will be much in between.
Today felt like a sprint from the beginning and my head was filled with nagging, irritating thoughts. So much time is wasted with worry and anxiety and anger but it’s hard not to fall into the patterns of replaying conversations and situations. It makes me think of samskara — something I know very little about but read of in The Untethered Soul. Feelings, memories, things you can’t let go; they just replay and replay and replay and circle and linger. There is no satisfactory outcome. And so they are very present, just below the surface, in and out of conscious thought.
My homework from my last therapy session was to re-write the story I tell myself. It has proved to be much harder to do than any previous homework. In re-writing my story, I’ve come up against some ingrained parts of my nature that are difficult to overcome or change. Or even reconcile. Often it has left me deep in thought, wondering why I’d accepted so many things that have been status quo in my life.
It’s much easier to uplift other people than to uplift yourself. It’s the hardest self-help work I’ve ever done. It feels like a slippery slope with no end and no beginning. Just struggle and battle. I’m perplexed. I’m exhausted. I am learning and in that learning I am hurting at the hurt I have inflicted upon myself. At the hurt I have endured and allowed as acceptable.
It is hard.
Xox, g
day 45
Some photos with my forever Valentine in honor of the day. He is the thing I am most grateful for every moment of every day. My best friend, my deepest love. 
Xox, g
Day 44
There’s a strange thing that happens when you start meditating.
To begin, and maybe this is just my story, but you start to wonder what you’re doing. And why. And if it actually works. And doesn’t it seem to be that you are just sitting and thinking .. instead of doing something as profound as meditating?
And then time passes.
And you keep sitting. And you keep breathing. And you keep focusing on your thoughts.
And then … all of a sudden … meditation makes … sense?
That might be going too far for me at this point. I’ve only been meditating with any regularity for about a year. And even that is … spurious.
What I can say is that meditating allows me to see my thoughts, my feelings … without having as much feeling about them …. So angry thoughts are diffused and sad thoughts are mitigated and happy thoughts are put into context. And for a moment, things feel very even. And there is a very comforting contentedness about that.
I’m not good at it. But I keep trying. It’s a practice, right? I’m working on it.
Xoxo, g
Day 43
I was having a lovely afternoon reading and writing. I got up — momentarily! — and returned to find that Lucy had reclaimed what she believes is rightfully hers (the chair). This is my life. Haha!
Xox, g
Day 42
I wish I had something really good to write about today.
Because, honestly, I’ve found myself blogging once again right before bed, and my brain is mush and all I really want to do is wash my face, meditate and sleep.
To be fair, today was a wild day. I talked to more people than I am used to talking to, I had a job offer (and it rocks!) and I discovered a new author. Among other things. Yes, I know. Insanity!
Let me just say, if you aren’t a habitual reader, discovering a new author is like finding unexpected gold. It feels magical and exciting and strangely secretive. In the best possible way. Like when I found out that my Dad started to read Daniel Silva novels and we could finally share the joy of having read the same books.
Delicious.
Anyway, I discovered Joan Didion and simultaneously discovered that it was absolutely horrifying that I’d never read her – let alone heard of her! – before.
She is a seminal writer in the lexicon of United States authors. Her body of work is wildly impressive. And, it turns out, she also has MS. Almost like a footnote to her life. I absolutely love that.
Anyway, when I inevitably forget to blog tomorrow, or the next day, please know it’s because I’m lost in a book that is so exquisite I haven’t surfaced for air.
xox, g
Day 41
There are certain things that I find absolutely comforting. Porridge with cream and raspberries. Soy chai lattes from Starbucks. La Traviata on vinyl. Good skincare.
And, among other things, pretty much any Marvel movie.
Marvel really began it’s domination in 2008 with Ironman. I remember buying it on DVD at a Seven Eleven near John’s apartment in Manayunk and watching it with him on one of our few shared days off at the beginning of our relationship. I remember going to see The Avengers on July 4, 2012 — the day my MS began to rear its ugly head. I remember randomly watching Captain America:Winter Soldier during our apartment days and seeking it out to watch again. That was the hook for me. That movie, that character.
My love has only grown over the years (yes, I ordered tickets for Avengers: Endgame at eight in the morning nearly a month before the movie came out because I’d marked my calendar).
This past year I have found infinite comfort in Tony Stark and Steve Rogers and Thor and Nebula and Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanov and Carol Danvers …. When WandaVision finally debuted halfway through January all it did was give me more content, more things to ponder about the vast universe Kevin Feige is deftly building in film.
We fall asleep to Thor:Ragnarok a lot. We both know most of the lines. We both love this version of Thor and of course, Loki. And Valkyrie. Plus, it’s the turning point for Bruce Banner and the Hulk and it’s brilliant. It’s funny but also clever and important in the development of Thor & Hulk’s characters. It stands alone but plays beautifully into the arc of the narrative. And it’s not quite as heavy as Endgame (my other favored sleepy-time movie).
When I’m tired, when I’m scared, when I’m struggling … I always find comfort in Marvel. And maybe that makes me pedestrian. Maybe I’m not a film connoisseur, but I’m okay with that. Because life is too short not to find the joy.
Xox, g
Day 40
I’m intermittently sweating and shivering today with a low-grade fever. So that’s fun for me (and even less so for John and Lucy who have been on their own because I’m out of commission).
Day 40 makes me think of Lent and finally being ‘done’ with whatever I’d given up. Day 40 was Starbucks again, or a glass of wine. Today, Day 40 is just another day in a long string of days. A Tuesday.
Here’s where I’m at —>
I wanted to give up social media (specifically Instagram) because I felt as though I was giving it too much time. So far, I’ve been successful at not hitting up Instagram. I’ll go back eventually (I know that in this day and age, one has to be on social to know what’s going on). But I want to know that when I go back, I won’t be so drawn to it. That’s going to take a little more time off.
I wanted to write every day. I’ve done that, even if it’s been here (on the blog). I needed to find a way back to my creative side but also find some discipline.
I failed miserably at giving up Starbucks. That’s for another day, I guess.
John + I had other ideas for the new year – reading more, being better about mealtimes, etc. We’ve been … better. Until this week (& feeling like death) I’ve been pretty good at not watching TV until 6p (at the earliest) during the week. I’ve read more. I’ve written a letter (hopefully more in the future). I haven’t had alcohol in 421 days, so that’s a record (in my adult life). I don’t really miss it, which is nice. I already feel like death so often — MS + age is a terrible combo. I don’t need alcohol to help me out.
I think there are more things that we resolved to do, and if my brain wasn’t a complete jumble right now, I’d list them. Needless to say, we’re doing our best to live lives that make us happy. Some days we succeed more than others, but in general we feel pretty good about where we are. We cook together, we take walks, we get sleep. Those are all good things. Maybe we’ll travel again. Maybe we’ll get the vaccine. We hope that happens sooner rather than later, but who knows?
Right now I’m just tired and I’m going to start dinner before I fall asleep again.
Xox, g
Day 39
Never miss a Monday workout.
That’s been my motto for a few years. It makes me feel as though the week begins on the right foot, even if it ends up derailing later down the line.
Today, the week derailed as soon as I finished my workouts (which were tough to get through in the first place). I don’t know if I’m sick or if it’s just because i took a fall yesterday, but I feel pretty awful today.
At least I got that Monday workout in. Haha!
Xox, g
D5 Creation