I get daily Stoic philosophy emails.  I was inspired to sign up by one of my yoga teachers, who was studying Stoicism (or just reading a book, I can’t remember) back when I still went to the studio three or four times a week for class.

Now I go zero times a week and I think my brain has begun to atrophy (evidence: my complete mental breakdown moments ago when John asked what I wanted for dinner and I didn’t know).  I *really* miss social interaction and my yoga community.  A lot.

I find the Stoic emails comforting and oftentimes enlightening (if only to give me a new perspective in which to frame life, thoughts and motivation).  They are very matter-of-fact in their logic and their structure which I find comforting in a world that requires more and more interpretation.

Recently, one of the emails pointed out that Stoics believe that people cannot *make* us angry; rather we *choose to become angry.  Which sort of dovetails with what I’ve been reading in my Buddhism book about self and not-self (and a whole manner of other, somewhat illusive concepts).

This logic, this proposition about our feelings actually made me angry. Mostly at myself for my inability to detach from my own emotions (that run rampant).  It’s very frustrating to be sad and feel helpless and then be reminded that all the feelings I feel I am *choosing* to acknowledge and give power to.  My Buddhism book distinguishes feelings from emotions — one being transient, the other more ingrained.  I use the terms interchangeably , which just goes to illustrate how very far I have to go before reaching a state of enlightened bliss (or any enlightenment at all, for that matter).

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of my brother-in-laws death.  I keep shying away from it, like avoiding looking at a cut that I sustained — using the logic that if I don’t look then it can’t that bad, it won’t hurt that much.

But pain doesn’t work like that.  Pain is insidious, pain is subconscious and invasive and all consuming.  It manifests in such a myriad of ways that its not always easy to identify.  (Watch WandaVision for an excellent meditation on grief and pain).

Anyway.  I’m a mess today.  I’d like to go to sleep and try again tomorrow, but I don’t have much hope that tomorrow will be better.  It will be the same as today … just Wednesday instead of Tuesday.

Xox, g