staying true

I think, as we get older, we all start to feel infinitely more comfortable in our own skin.  We find strength in our decisions, who we have chosen to be as people, our values, our morals, our likes and dislikes.  It’s comforting.

It doesn’t mean that people don’t exist who try to shake our foundation, make us question the choices we’ve made.  Those people exist.  Maybe they are just completely convinced that there is no room in the world for an opinion that differs from their own, maybe they are utterly committed to their ‘rightness.’  Who knows.  I have no problem saying that sometimes, other people’s choices don’t make any sense to me.  But they don’t have to — it isn’t my life.  I feel as though some people never get to that conclusion.

But what is so sweet, so justifying, is a moment in life when the things you’ve been quietly questioning are re-affirmed, and you know (once again) that you believed the things that were important to you, that you had faith in the things that rang true to your conscience.

Hubs and I spent last weekend in New York City.  We had tickets to see ‘Hamilton’ and no other plans than to just enjoy being in NYC together for a little bit.  We had drinks at Rockefeller Center, we had dinner with actor friends of mine from college.  We ate awesome sushi at a hole in the wall restaurant right near the theatre district.  We saw ‘Hamilton.’  It was magical.  And it reminded me of parts of myself that I’d forgotten.  It reminded me of the love I had for so long for theatre.  That I still have.  It reminded me that no matter how beaten down I’d gotten over the past seven years, what always pulled me through was the doggedness I had in regards to what I believed.  Was I insecure?  Oh yes.  Did I over think pretty much everything?  Absolutely.  But was I always true to myself?  Yes.  I might not be proud of many things about myself — I might get frustrated, and beat myself down sometimes.  But my family –my parents, my grandmother, my brother, my aunts and uncles — they helped me form a rock solid foundation of who I am.  And I am so grateful for that.  It certainly doesn’t mean I won’t worry about things in the future.  Wonder if I’m making the right choices.  But I know that I am true to myself, in the end.  That’s how I sleep at night.  That’s how I get through the tough times and the challenges.

I believe in honestly.  I believe in loving people and treating them with dignity and respect.  When I find that I have trouble doing those things, I try to figure out why.  I believe in finding the positive.  Finding the hope, finding the happiness.  Through disease, surgeries, crisis and woe.  As my favorite acting teacher said in one of my first college acting classes, Por Los Buenos.  For the good.  We are all motivated by what we believe is ‘the good.’   (Although I do think that some people are super pre-occupied with ‘who has it worse and let me tell you why/how’).

And one more thing. Time. Time is the great healer and revealer.  With time, the truth comes.  You just have to have faith, and believe.

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