Every once in awhile, something really bad happens.

Not your everyday, run-of-the-mill bad ~ something shocking, that resonates to your core.  Some people manage to pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and -still carrying the burned imprint of their experience on their soul- make valiant attempts to move forward every day.

Some people falter.  Their fear, damage, or trauma is too much, too heavy, to carry on their shoulders every day alone.

Some people’s characters are strengthened, life experience deepened ~ they are forever changed, and that change cannot be defined in either positive or negative terms.  It merely is what it is.

If you’ve experienced a trauma that would affect a person like this, then you know that you can never fully get perspective on how it’s changed you.

I suffered a trauma once ~ and that trauma was so entwined with so many other life altering things that were occurring at the time, I know inherently I am forever changed by it … and I am not sure to what extent.

All people have flaws ~ everyone has quirks and traits that make them inherently who they are.  Finding others to love you for the flaws and quirks and traits that make you you is, I believe, part of the fun of life.  Having the ability to share who you are as a person demonstrates, in my eyes, a person’s strength of character, and comfort in their own skin.  It’s like saying “I am who I am, and I’m good with it.  I’m working on me every day, and I’m doing it based on what I believe and value in life. Thanks for liking the person I am.”

I don’t believe in hiding parts of my life ~ or to be more correct, in concealing.  What happened to me happened ~ it can’t be changed … but I also try not to dwell on it too much.  It’s part of me, it’s part of the person I am today.  In some ways it has made me a stronger person ~ and even though I get teased about it, it also knocked me down a few pegs from my naive perch regarding humanity.

Due to the fact that I wasn’t alone in my experience, I am going to choose not to get into detail on a website that’s open for all to read.  I respect and love the other people who were there with me too much to open up their old wounds along with mine.

So last night, when I mentioned the many things bouncing around in my mind like multiple pin balls, these were some of them.  I’m struggling to come to terms with the repercussions of the trauma I suffered ~ and even as years slip by, the memories are so clear that I shock myself with my gut reactions sometimes.  I also thought about how these things, which so profoundly affected me, have also changed me. I thought about how I don’t want them to be excuses, but how I also needed to embrace who I am because of it all.

So I guess this is me, saying this is who I am.  I have flaws, and quirks that make me me.  I ‘m not the same person I was when I was 21 ~ I doubt I’ll be the same person when I’m 41.  But I’m trying to have a little faith that if I work every day at being a better person, a more patient person, a more thoughtful person, then hopefully bit by bit, I’ll be the best version of me I can be, and the scars and quirks and flaws that are associated with the trauma that occurred will fade quietly into the background.

As I sit tapping away on my computer keys, a debate is raging amongst my family regarding our best plan of attack for heading home. (Which is kind of a bummer, because it implies leaving early … and no one likes to leave vacation early.)

Irene is due to hit North Carolina and on up the East Coast, and it’s a tricky thing deciding what is the best time to pack it up and call it a day.

Luckily for Hilton Head, they aren’t due to get anything more than some rain and gusts of wind, but that doesn’t help us as we drive north on route 95, and potentially encounter rough weather in addition to all the people evacuated from the North Carolina coast.  The southern shore towns of NJ (including, I am told, Atlantic City) were issued a mandatory evacuation beginning this morning at 6am, so that’s a big indication that this storm is to be taken seriously.

In my opinion, Mother Nature should always be taken seriously.  She can be brutal when angry ~ and render untold damages.  Mostly, I’d like to get home safely, and know that all the people out there that I love are safe as well.

Of course, Irene could bounce back out to sea, and all of this drama could be for naught.  But again, it’s never a good idea to count on that when Mother Nature is involved.  She’s also quite unpredictable, and feisty.

So East Coasters, stay safe!  And Irene … don’t be mean.

Recently, I’ve been faced with quite a conundrum.

I’m not sure if the conundrum is fatigue-related.  (In regards to my use of fatigue, I mean exhaustion, not the uniform of soldiers).

I don’t know if the conundrum is as dire as I sometimes believe it is.

I have lost track, at this point, of which side I’m pulling for.  There no longer seems to be two opposing forces; instead it’s multi-faceted.

‘Aye, there’s the rub!’  (*Name that Shakespeare play!  Bonus points … which character says it?)

I’ve completely lost perspective.

Okay, so here’s what happened.  Generally.

Because of the … ummm …. let’s say ‘growing pains’ that my work situation has been experiencing of late, someone very generously offered the company an amenity that was needed, out of the goodness of his heart (as much as that exists in the business world).

To express its gratitude, the company offered a non-monetary … barter? shall we say? … in return.

The barter was directly related to me.

And I was approached in a very  … might I say unusual? … and somewhat confusing way.

(Can everyone accurately feel the eggshells on which I am very tentatively tip toeing across?)

After the unusual approach, I was feeling a bit taken aback, and even more vulnerable than I had been feeling since the whole barter-exchange thing-o took place. There are so many contributing factors to this that it’s not even worth getting into the particulars, but here’s something that is important.

Occasionally, I over think things.

Now, in retrospect, I don’t agree that I completely over thought this ~ I do think that voicing my concerns and establishing some boundaries was important.  But boy oh boy, did I fixate and let it manifest.

And it made me contemplate the whole process, and how small injustices can become completely distorted and exaggerated out of proportion.  It made me think about human nature; a person’s innate instinct to protect oneself.  One of the (many) things I’ve learned as I’ve wracked up the notches on the calendar, is that trying to understand all sides to a story before completely freaking out is a pretty good skill.  Very useful, and it almost always helps you avoid getting egg on your face, or burning with embarrassment at the memory of the event in question.  It’s a skill that requires discipline.  I’m still learning.  I think it takes lots of practice (at least that’s what I’m telling myself!).

It’s also interesting to consider how seemingly small word choices in somewhat explosive situations can so completely expose one’s vulnerability.  I realized with somewhat of a shock, that my immediate reaction to the situation in question revealed something about myself.

So the thing is, when you are always on guard, and always expecting the worst, or a deception, it makes you less likely to accept things at face value.  That’s not a good thing.  It’s sort of sad, really, and when I had my epiphany regarding my own behavior, it made me a little sad for myself.  And after that, I felt even worse for people who do things that are both generous and thoughtful for me (especially the man) that I inherently question.

Does that mean I have trust issues?  Who knows.

What it does mean is that a seed of doubt was planted in my mind, and because of many factors, including my tendency to over think things and my constant worry that someone is trying to dupe me (I know, paranoid much? ~ but there are reasons … another time, another rumination), a seed of doubt for me grows rapidly.

And I guess what I wanted to say in this post, in a very roundabout way, is that this particular seed of doubt was a very good exercise for me in inter-personal relations and effective business communication.  I definitely floundered, and took some things a bit too personally.  But I felt like I also took a huge step forward in dealing with something that had originally completely knocked me off my feet.

And I’m not burning with embarrassment, or covered in egg.

I may (or may not!) have slightly pink-tinged ears.  But that’s better than a beet red face!  I’ll take it for today as progress-made.