simply gwyneth

One of the very hard truths I’ve learned since January is that moderation – and more importantly, being aware of moderation – is infinitely important to my well-being.

I used to believe that if you just pushed through, you would get to the other side, you would accomplish that which you wanted, and all would be well.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work that way for me anymore.

I have to confess ~ it’s humbling and really really frustrating.

Let me paint a picture.  Imagine growing up the American daughter of a Brit.  A woman who suffered unimaginable loss at the tender age of twenty-two, rebuilt her life and became a success both personally and professionally after moving to the United States.

That’s not ‘a little’ to live up to ~ it’s a boat load.  My mother pushed through all the hard times ~ stiff upper lip and turn the other cheek and ‘buck up’ and all that jazz.   Additionally, as I started to deal with all my baggage, she was soldiering through her own ~ much more gracefully and with incredible focus of purpose and positivity.

It’s been a rough few weeks for me.  I hesitate to admit that, because I don’t want to seem weak, or as though I were exploiting my health for attention or to be given consideration.  I’m trying – with various levels of success – to keep living as normal a life as possible.  It’s not always easy.  I’m very tired.  And for the past few weeks, as I struggled through a flare and IV medication (among other, equally fun, things) I have had to come to terms with my limitations.

I’m not sure which is the best word to describe it ~ angry, sad, impotent ….  My brain floods with descriptions, but my body is paralyzed from action.

Last weekend the man and I ventured north to visit his home town, and after eating highly processed meals saturated with sodium I knew that even though I didn’t always feel it, our diet makes a huge impact on our lives.  I knew that sleep played as big a part as anything ~ and that stress absolutely triggers my symptoms.

No more could I will myself to do as I bid.  My condition has made me be honest with myself ~ revelatory.

Here’s the truth ~ in a nutshell, and as I  know it so far.

Sleep is my friend.

A balanced diet is my friend.

Green smoothies every morning make me (and my body) happy.

Gluten does not.

Two or three glasses of wine are my limit.

I have to focus on work/life balance ~ otherwise, I can’t see a thing.

Sometimes (more often than not right now), I have to say no.

Saying no doesn’t mean I’m weak, or a failure.

Water – lots of it – is my friend.

Life shouldn’t be stressful, (other than work ~ which really can’t help itself).

Loving your job is a blessing ~ be thankful.

Having someone beside you who understands and supports you is invaluable.  Seriously.

I’ve found that when things feel a little overwhelming, making little lists like the above helps me keep things in perspective.  Every day I learn something, every day I hit a road block I wasn’t expecting … but the truth is that those things don’t always have to do with MS, and trying to get myself to see the bigger picture is a good exercise.  I do have to walk my own journey, and I have to be comfy in my own moccasins.  It’s really easy to look around and compare my journey to others ~ but it’s not really helpful or healthy.  Those are things I have to remember.

This evening, Lucy and I are on our own.  And that’s okay, because the man is pursuing a dream, and I get pretty excited when I think about that.  So here us girls are, finally curled up on the couch, watching all my DVR’d episodes of “Dallas” (yup, I will openly admit it ~ complete guilty pleasure!).

I’ve had a lot on my mind the last few days, but I’m not sure any of them are good blog posts.  I took a bunch of pictures of the lunches I prepared for the man and I this week but I didn’t cook anything new or exciting ~ just clean food so we ate a good mid-day meal.  Then, I thought about blogging about yoga, but I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately.  So I’m sort of back at square one ~ yammering along as has become my recent trend.

Right now life is a whirlwind of wedding prep (59 days! wha?!?), new routines and work.  When we look back at the nearly four years we have been living together, we are amazed at how far we’ve come, and the life we have built together.  It’s exciting to be able to celebrate our fifth anniversary with our wedding, and be able to look back at the positive growth that has occurred.

We’ve worked really hard.

When we first got together we made a pact.  We worked in restaurants, and our hours were crazy.  It meant never really seeing each other and never having the ability to spend quality time with our families.  We wanted normalcy, a routine.   We were together a year before finding our current home, and when we did, we both worked Monday through Friday jobs, leaving our nights and weekends free.

Now, four years later, I am pretty proud to say that we both have great jobs, and have been really successful in them.  We’ve expanded our family by adding our furry love, Lucy Lou, we’ve rearranged and redesigned each room in our apartment, upgraded things.  I feel like a real grown-up!  I mean, seriously, I make lunches for us for the week.  And blend green smoothies every morning packed with veggies.  Grown-ups do that kind of thing.  When did this happen?

But at the root of all of it ~especially in light of the absurd amount of drama our wedding has stirred up (on both sides) ~ it all comes down to one thing.  And I didn’t realize it at first, but I do now.

For the first time since I was eighteen, I am okay with who I am.  I’m pretty weird (or, to be politically correct, unique) and I’m okay with that.  I feel confident enough to say I know who I am, I know what I want, I know what’s important to me, I’m good at what I do and all of that is okay.  In fact, it’s better than okay.  It’s a relief.  I think it’s easy to lose yourself, it’s easy to believe you are less than what you are, fall into a pit of despair, focus on negativity, eat crappy food … all that stuff.  It’s a lot harder to stand tall and be proud of who you are, blemishes, eccentricities and all.

I spent years apologizing for old mistakes, worrying myself to death about how to prove myself (to people who weren’t really interested in knowing me anyway), attempting to prove people’s assumptions about me wrong.  And guess what?  Who cares about those people ~ those judgers and doubters and nay-sayers.  They weren’t looking to help me succeed anyway ~ they were condemning me, and pointing it out to boot.

What I’ve learned ~ where I’ve arrived after the absolutely real, completely shit year I’ve ploughed through ~ is that I didn’t need them anyway.  In the darkest moments, the people who had always been there were there again.  They were the strength and encouragement and positive force I needed.  There are a hell of a lot of truths revealed in the tough times (a person’s character is revealed, as one of my favorite quotes reads).

I also think with age, a person is better able to look at others and say, with a smile,” I just don’t care what you say anymore.  I’m taking my own power back.”  I’ve learned a lot of lessons in 2013 ~ bad news can help you make positive changes, my mum is a super hero, sticking with something through the hard times can actually pay off, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need … my list is actually pretty long.

So to wrap up yet another ramble ~ I like me.  And experiencing that moment changes life.  I wish that everyone gets to that realization and feels as liberated as I did.  It’s nice to be comfy in one’s own skin and know the real truth of one of the best sayings ever.

You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time. But you can’t please all of the people all of the time. 

It’s better to be able to sleep at night knowing you’ve lived your life in conjunction with who you are and what you value.  Much better.