simply gwyneth

So, last week I began my hot lemon water routine, and this week I was completely determined to begin having a smoothie every day for breakfast.  But here’s the thing — it’s one thing to feel super motivated on a Saturday afternoon — it is quite another to feel as motivated at 6am on a gloomy Monday.

This morning, as I dragged myself from my amazingly comfy bed and took the obligatory shower, I decided that we’d purchased all the ingredients and I really didn’t want to waste more food.  Because it’s sad.

But also —

Because back in October, as I finished up my week at OHI, the instructors asked us how many raw meals we could commit to per day after leaving OHI.  My immediate reaction was — Well, I can commit to one a week.  That’s the extent of my love of raw food.  

But then I realized — no, I could actually commit to one a day.  Because smoothies are a meal, and smoothies are raw (well, the ones I make are … I guess you could make a smoothie that didn’t qualify as raw, but that’s beside the point!).

And then months and months slipped by.  And MS took over my life, and then my job took over my life, and then holidays took over my life.  And then I resurfaced at the beginning of February, and I thought — well, there’s no time like the present!

The man and I tend to talk a really good game, and then we sort of follow through and then reprimand ourselves for sort of following through but not all the way following through.  So I got a handy dandy Word document that is laid out like a calendar, and we both started February with goals.

For example, tonight is my cooking night while the man hits up the gym.  And I am trying out a whole roasted cauliflower recipe.  I really hope it’s good!

And I’m also going to keep making smoothies in the morning.  And drinking my hot lemon water.  And going to yoga.  And swimming.  And taking my vitamins.  And hopefully blogging regularly.  So — here’s to hoping it’s an all the way kinda thing, and not a sort of kind of thing.

So here we are, the second of February.  Life seems to have kept up its ferocious pace, and the man and I are sitting around our kitchen island as I tap away at the keyboard and he produces culinary masterpieces to the soundtrack of “Chef”.

I wrote a little bit ago about the things I’d managed to do every day since the beginning of the year — which inevitably meant that the end was coming sooner than I anticipated!  I managed to keep up my vitamin ritual, but as for blogging — I really dropped the ball.

On the flip side of that coin, John and I visited –and then subsequently purchased– our new home on the 24th of January.  And when you commit to building your first home, it becomes a lot, all at once.  We drove down to our new home site five times in a seven day span — and it’s not a short drive!  But it’s wildly exciting, and all-consuming, and a huge next step for the two of us, which is a big deal on so many levels.

That being said, I think I need to go back to the idea of taking my vitamins every day.

I made this crazy commitment for a very vain reason.  I thought that taking vitamin E would help my poor, tired, dried out, fried hair recover a little from the abuse I routinely put it through.  Aka hot tools.  So at the end of December I recommitted to my vitamins, and other than the 28th of January (when the man and I officially bought our house) I have not missed a day.   And that includes the night in LA when I took my vitamins upon returning from dinner and being completely delirious due to fatigue.

Today, I began another (very small) change to my daily routine.

I ‘ve known about this for a while. But I never really felt all that inspired.  (See what happens as you age and begin noticing discomfort where none used to exist?!?)  Today, I began my morning with warm water with lemon.

I’d like to tell you that it didn’t change a thing.  Sadly, not true.  (Sometimes I want health advice to fall flat, just to make me feel better about my love of fried chicken and chardonnay).  

This post isn’t about the water.  Although — seriously — try it.  It sort of lifts one’s morning. This post is about making small, permanent changes.  Things you can begin, and then just somehow, stick with.  And it benefits your life.

A couple things I’d like to say.  (Zero significance to order — just how things popped into my head).

1.  I discovered zucchini pasta about a year ago.  I am stupidly in love with it.  I am able to make zucchini pasta unhealthy.  That is the truth.  But it tastes amazing.  And my thought is this — zucchini pasta is better than regular, white flour pasta, right?  Right.

2.  I have a lot of knowledge in my brain.  I’ve been fortunate enough to have an amazing resource in my boss’s wife, I’ve attended a retreat that does actually change how you think and feel about food, and I know inherently — my body tells me so — that some choices are just better than others (see zucchini pasta vs. regular pasta in #1 above).  Unfortunately, that doesn’t change my love for wine, Starbucks, and the occasional baked good (among other terrible things, such as dairy, and meat).

3.  I think everyone’s journey is their own.  I didn’t used to feel this way.  I used to feel (despite what I may or may not have written on this very blog) that health was another form of competition.  I am a very competitive person.  I do not like to lose.  This may be why my brain is full of so much knowledge.  But there is a true difference between enjoying life and competing in life.  I don’t know that I really understood that until recently.

4.  I like lists.  It helps me clarify my thoughts. Just an FYI.

5.  It might sound like a little thing, but small changes that I stick with become big changes.  Example: Christy Turlington once said in an interview that she never slept with make-up on, and she moisturized every day.  I think I read that when I was twelve.  To this day, I’m almost manic about washing my face.  I remember times in college –when I was black out annihilated — that I’d wake up the next morning with a washed and moisturized face.  I made a tiny little change and it has become part of my routine — something I’ve done for 23 years.  Insane.  I mean — seriously insane when you think about it.

6.  I am not going to focus on dieting any more.  It’s stressful and it just makes everything not very fun.  I think I’m just going to try every day to be the best I can be — and sometimes, that might mean jalapeno poppers and fried chicken for the Super Bowl.  And I love just being okay with that.  

Life ain’t easy.  That’s the truth.  So why make it harder than necessary?  Find something healthy — like, say zucchini pasta — and really make it your own.  Enjoy it.  And rejoice in the knowledge that you made a smart choice.  And live in that.

Happy Shortest Month of the Year all.

xoxo

Sometimes, no matter how normal a day seems – no matter how mundane – something happens that steals the air right out of your lungs.

And nothing can change it. Or take it back.

It’s just there – real and red and sore.

That’s just life, y’know?  That’s just how life fucks you and doesn’t even care.

So, we’re twenty-three days into the new year, and upon reflection, I’m not sure that I’ve been very attentive to any of my resolutions.  I have, however, been very good at doing much more trivial things.  For example — I have taken my vitamins every day this month.  So far.  That’s a small miracle.

And, even though some days I’ve written a bunch of b.s., I have blogged every single day since January the first.  Amazing!

And I’ve also started using moisturizer every day.  (That’s a big thing, because I have no problem slathering the moisturizer on my face, but I really hate spending the time to moisturize my whole body.  I mean — it’s beyond tedious).

And I have had a minimum of sixty ounces of water a day.  Which still isn’t enough, but it’s a good effort.  Although I must admit that I am a little bit of a camel, and I usually drink a boatload of water a day anyway.

But learning Spanish and playing my keyboard?  Yeah, I haven’t done those things.  And while I have left Facebook and Instagram off my phone, Twitter is back, because, well, just because.  That’s why.

And I have completely failed at beginning each day by saying “Today is going to be a good day.”  I have sporadically remembered — and when I do I am very proud of myself.  And I also think it totally makes a difference.  But as far as forming a new habit?  Yeah, I have a little ways to go.

And being better about eating?  Yeah — haven’t even gotten to that yet.  First, because this January has been insane, second because the hubs was away and that makes me sad, third because I went to LA for work and it was completely about food and fourth — because eating is a comfort thing for me, and I have needed a lot of comfort.  I know I can be disciplined and focused — I’ve done it in the past.  It’s just finding the mojo and the grit to get started.  Because the first week is really the worst.  And then — well, you start to feel better, you have a little more energy (if you don’t have MS, that is) and sometimes you even lose weight.

I’m actually pretty proud of myself for the blogging and the vitamin-taking.  I’ve been such a slacker in the past that to stick with something (even if I’m only at 23 days) feels pretty good.  Sort of like quitting smoking.  At the beginning it was all about counting the days — until it wasn’t.  Until it was totally normal not to smoke, not to stop at gas stations and buy a pack, not to wander outside in the middle of a shift to suck down some nicotine ‘because you just couldn’t get through the rest of the night without it.‘

So here I am, feeling like absolute death on a Friday night (someone — well, me– might have had one or two glasses of wine too many last night) and I’m going to re-commit to my resolutions and refocus on being kind to myself –both physically and mentally.

I’ll check back in next month.  Hopefully the blogging and vitamin-taking is still going strong.  And hopefully I’ve added to my list.

Sometimes, something comes up, and it is SO exciting, and then it is SO frustrating.

That’s what the hubs and I have discovered about home purchase.

It’s completely insane.  

I feel as though 10% of the time I am over the moon — we’ve found our new home, it’s perfect, etc etc.

And then 90% of the time, everything is either depressing, out of our price range or nowhere near anything we want to be close to.

So, in honor of Thursday –arguably the toughest day of the week after Tuesday (I’m sure I’ll blog about my rankings at some point)– that’s my complete contribution.

Buying a house hits up the entire spectrum of emotions — and it’s tough.

Today has not been my best day.

I realized — and I’m not sure at what point — but all of a sudden I knew that today was an anniversary.  And not necessarily a good one.

Two years ago today I was diagnosed with MS.  It has most definitely been a journey since then — things not really changing, and then things changing irrevocably.

We all have our burdens.  One of my favorite sayings is that if everyone threw their problems into a pile and then were told to pick something back up, we’d all pick up our own troubles.  Or — the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.  Point is still the same.  We’d rather carry that with which we are familiar.  Prior to having MS (ahem, prior to being diagnosed with MS — clearly I’d had it for a long time) I never would have voluntarily picked MS up off a pile of woes.  I would have taken family drama, bad career decisions, horrible relationship choices –you know, things I’d dealt with in the past and had some familiarity with.

Today tears slipped down my nose and landed on my lap as I typed to my husband (sidenote: Skype is our friend) — my biggest fear is the day I realize that that particular January 21st marks the moment when I’ve lived with MS longer than I’ve lived without it.  Granted, I’ll be sixty-six, and hopefully much better adjusted with a much stronger sense of humor — but that moment still scares me.  He did a great job of cheering me up — reminding me that I was being absurdly morose.

And I wiped my eyes, and shook my head and told myself to get it together — that I was stronger than all this crapola.  And then John was home, and things felt a little less bleak, and my breath evened out, and I realized — it’s just another day.

And what I should be really disappointed about was the supreme lack of snow after major forecast build-ups.  And that I have the best husband, and the cutest dog — and amazing co-workers, and fantastic family.  And the blessings vastly outweigh the burdens.

But — in the deepest, darkest part of my heart — that doesn’t take away the MS.  And that’s the truth.