day 45
Some photos with my forever Valentine in honor of the day. He is the thing I am most grateful for every moment of every day. My best friend, my deepest love. 
Xox, g
Day 44
There’s a strange thing that happens when you start meditating.
To begin, and maybe this is just my story, but you start to wonder what you’re doing. And why. And if it actually works. And doesn’t it seem to be that you are just sitting and thinking .. instead of doing something as profound as meditating?
And then time passes.
And you keep sitting. And you keep breathing. And you keep focusing on your thoughts.
And then … all of a sudden … meditation makes … sense?
That might be going too far for me at this point. I’ve only been meditating with any regularity for about a year. And even that is … spurious.
What I can say is that meditating allows me to see my thoughts, my feelings … without having as much feeling about them …. So angry thoughts are diffused and sad thoughts are mitigated and happy thoughts are put into context. And for a moment, things feel very even. And there is a very comforting contentedness about that.
I’m not good at it. But I keep trying. It’s a practice, right? I’m working on it.
Xoxo, g
Day 43
I was having a lovely afternoon reading and writing. I got up — momentarily! — and returned to find that Lucy had reclaimed what she believes is rightfully hers (the chair). This is my life. Haha!
Xox, g
Day 42
I wish I had something really good to write about today.
Because, honestly, I’ve found myself blogging once again right before bed, and my brain is mush and all I really want to do is wash my face, meditate and sleep.
To be fair, today was a wild day. I talked to more people than I am used to talking to, I had a job offer (and it rocks!) and I discovered a new author. Among other things. Yes, I know. Insanity!
Let me just say, if you aren’t a habitual reader, discovering a new author is like finding unexpected gold. It feels magical and exciting and strangely secretive. In the best possible way. Like when I found out that my Dad started to read Daniel Silva novels and we could finally share the joy of having read the same books.
Delicious.
Anyway, I discovered Joan Didion and simultaneously discovered that it was absolutely horrifying that I’d never read her – let alone heard of her! – before.
She is a seminal writer in the lexicon of United States authors. Her body of work is wildly impressive. And, it turns out, she also has MS. Almost like a footnote to her life. I absolutely love that.
Anyway, when I inevitably forget to blog tomorrow, or the next day, please know it’s because I’m lost in a book that is so exquisite I haven’t surfaced for air.
xox, g
Day 41
There are certain things that I find absolutely comforting. Porridge with cream and raspberries. Soy chai lattes from Starbucks. La Traviata on vinyl. Good skincare.
And, among other things, pretty much any Marvel movie.
Marvel really began it’s domination in 2008 with Ironman. I remember buying it on DVD at a Seven Eleven near John’s apartment in Manayunk and watching it with him on one of our few shared days off at the beginning of our relationship. I remember going to see The Avengers on July 4, 2012 — the day my MS began to rear its ugly head. I remember randomly watching Captain America:Winter Soldier during our apartment days and seeking it out to watch again. That was the hook for me. That movie, that character.
My love has only grown over the years (yes, I ordered tickets for Avengers: Endgame at eight in the morning nearly a month before the movie came out because I’d marked my calendar).
This past year I have found infinite comfort in Tony Stark and Steve Rogers and Thor and Nebula and Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanov and Carol Danvers …. When WandaVision finally debuted halfway through January all it did was give me more content, more things to ponder about the vast universe Kevin Feige is deftly building in film.
We fall asleep to Thor:Ragnarok a lot. We both know most of the lines. We both love this version of Thor and of course, Loki. And Valkyrie. Plus, it’s the turning point for Bruce Banner and the Hulk and it’s brilliant. It’s funny but also clever and important in the development of Thor & Hulk’s characters. It stands alone but plays beautifully into the arc of the narrative. And it’s not quite as heavy as Endgame (my other favored sleepy-time movie).
When I’m tired, when I’m scared, when I’m struggling … I always find comfort in Marvel. And maybe that makes me pedestrian. Maybe I’m not a film connoisseur, but I’m okay with that. Because life is too short not to find the joy.
Xox, g
Day 40
I’m intermittently sweating and shivering today with a low-grade fever. So that’s fun for me (and even less so for John and Lucy who have been on their own because I’m out of commission).
Day 40 makes me think of Lent and finally being ‘done’ with whatever I’d given up. Day 40 was Starbucks again, or a glass of wine. Today, Day 40 is just another day in a long string of days. A Tuesday.
Here’s where I’m at —>
I wanted to give up social media (specifically Instagram) because I felt as though I was giving it too much time. So far, I’ve been successful at not hitting up Instagram. I’ll go back eventually (I know that in this day and age, one has to be on social to know what’s going on). But I want to know that when I go back, I won’t be so drawn to it. That’s going to take a little more time off.
I wanted to write every day. I’ve done that, even if it’s been here (on the blog). I needed to find a way back to my creative side but also find some discipline.
I failed miserably at giving up Starbucks. That’s for another day, I guess.
John + I had other ideas for the new year – reading more, being better about mealtimes, etc. We’ve been … better. Until this week (& feeling like death) I’ve been pretty good at not watching TV until 6p (at the earliest) during the week. I’ve read more. I’ve written a letter (hopefully more in the future). I haven’t had alcohol in 421 days, so that’s a record (in my adult life). I don’t really miss it, which is nice. I already feel like death so often — MS + age is a terrible combo. I don’t need alcohol to help me out.
I think there are more things that we resolved to do, and if my brain wasn’t a complete jumble right now, I’d list them. Needless to say, we’re doing our best to live lives that make us happy. Some days we succeed more than others, but in general we feel pretty good about where we are. We cook together, we take walks, we get sleep. Those are all good things. Maybe we’ll travel again. Maybe we’ll get the vaccine. We hope that happens sooner rather than later, but who knows?
Right now I’m just tired and I’m going to start dinner before I fall asleep again.
Xox, g
Day 39
Never miss a Monday workout.
That’s been my motto for a few years. It makes me feel as though the week begins on the right foot, even if it ends up derailing later down the line.
Today, the week derailed as soon as I finished my workouts (which were tough to get through in the first place). I don’t know if I’m sick or if it’s just because i took a fall yesterday, but I feel pretty awful today.
At least I got that Monday workout in. Haha!
Xox, g
Day 38
Today was a beautiful day.
We had very different plans for this weekend. We’d booked a cabin months ago to visit Mansfield but decided after our last visit that we needed to figure out a new way to approach our trips to John’s hometown. Then we planned to spend the weekend with friends in the Poconos. Weather tripped us up on that one.
Instead, we spent yesterday with my Dad and aunt. We brought them pastries and we all went out to dinner after watching Jordan Spieth play some great golf.
And we woke up at home this morning, the snow falling thickly and quietly. It was stunning.
Sometimes — often, actually — plans change. And sometimes, there is beauty in the chaos, the disappointment. Yesterday was a good day and today (even though I fell and hurt my knees yet again) was a good day. Can’t ask for more than that.
Xox, g
Day 37
Some days just call for gratitude. For grounding. For perspective.
I am grateful for Dora, who comes and cleans our house. She is one of the best humans I know and I’m so glad she’s in our lives.
I am grateful for Starbucks Soy Chai Lattes. They are happiness in a cup.
I am grateful for my Dad. He is the best Dad and I couldn’t be luckier that he’s mine.
And as always, every day, I am grateful for John and Lucy. They are my family. They make our house a home. They are love personified.
Xox, g
Day 36
I’m struggling these days to find much to be joyous about — partly me, partly Covid, partly winter blues. But snow always makes my heart smile. It’s beautiful.
This was a midday walk with Lucy, bright blue skies, icy snow kinda day. And that’s okay.
Xox, g
D5 Creation