My day sort of flew by ~ I have had a to-do list of office work that has lingered on my desk for a few weeks, and since my parent’s flight home from the UK was delayed 8 hours, I got to spend the whole day at the office, which I was not anticipating.  Woo-hoo!  It would be really exciting if today were Thursday … but unfortunately, there are three work days left, which dampened my spirits a little, since I probably won’t get to bed until 1am.

Yoga was pretty hard-core tonight, but class in general is pretty hard-core, so that might be misleading.  For the first time in awhile, I got stuck in my head a little bit, instead of focusing on class’s meditation, and at one point felt very light-headed (which was a bummer).  I was also reminded that I have the arm strength of a small child (when this occurs to me, I always vow to do lots of sun salutations and push-ups, to build up the strength … and then I remember that I hate doing push-ups so it becomes a circular argument in my head).

In the spirit of that inner argument, one of the things I have been meditating on for the past few days is the idea of changing habits.  Yoga’s meditation was a good one, but because I was distracted, I ended up focusing on the thought of breaking and/or changing habits.

This is not a new idea for me.  When I get frustrated with myself, I try to take a step back and remember that the only person who can change me is myself.  Knowing it and doing it are two different things.  And controlling and changing my behavior is incredibly difficult.  I think everyone knows that feelings ~ when you’re feeling really motivated and put-together and in a good place … you promise to eat more balanced meals, and get up an hour before work to jog.  You think about meal plans and balanced budgets and crafting and … well, all that stuff really together people do.

And then morning comes, and the bed is really comfy, and it’s hard to follow through on all the resolutions.  Or you get home from work, and the day was a beast, so you have a glass or two of wine, even though you really wanted to go to the gym, or even just not drink.  Sort of like last week’s thought ~ one step at a time, all put together, is progress, even if it’s hard to see.  It’s all about keeping yourself motivated, and having the will-power to focus on the end goal.

Perhaps what I should do is come up with a mantra ~ something I can whisper to myself when things feel tough.  For right now, I’m going to hop in the car and pick up the parental units.  I’m sure it’s been a long day for them, and I want to get them home safe and sound.  Enjoy the toosday, and sleep well.

Here is today’s yoga thought.

Move through practice softly ~ like a delicate stream, rather than a rushing river.  Consider each action before reacting.  Contemplate the action.

My yoga instructor was funny today.  (And I use the word ‘funny’ loosely).  She began class by letting us know that we were not going to move through postures quickly.  Instead, we were going to move slowly through the motions, and with intention.  With mindfulness and thoughtfulness.  She said (with a smile) not to worry about class being hard.  Just because we were moving slowly didn’t mean it wouldn’t be challenging.  She wasn’t joking.

Holding poses has always been  a challenge for me ~ and I didn’t start to make real progress with it until I began going regularly to yoga on Tuesdays.  Well ~ regular yoga practice in conjunction with training.

Let me explain.

I have always been very impatient.  I have a couple of theories about why that is, but needless to say, that’s the universal conclusion.  Impatience.  When I began training for the Broad Street, I learned very quickly that progress came slowly, and because of that, I reminded myself daily that each step was moving in the right direction.  Even if I felt no movement had been made at all.

That thought pattern came in very handy today.  Yes, I still struggle with holding poses, but the truth (my truth?) is any progress made is something I can own, as my very own.  The practice isn’t about how fast things happen ~ it’s that the progress is continual.  (Or at least, that’s where my mind focused this evening.  Class was also about the delicate stream finding crevices and pushing through those crevices ~ overcoming the obstacles to better appreciate the path … without the obstacles, the water flows easily, therefore not fully appreciating the act of moving in the first place.  Also very good meditation).  In a nutshell, the tortoise and the hare.

Here’s the thing.  In life, I find that it’s very easy to react immediately.  It’s much harder to take a breath, consider all angles, and move forward with those thoughts in mind.  Is it better? Umm, that’s an easy one.  Ninety-nine percent of the time, taking a moment to contemplate any idea thoughtfully is better than reacting viscerally.  Remembering that in the heat of the moment … infinitely harder.

Yoga -to me- has always been a reminder to stop, breath and consider the entire situation.  Everyone walks away from class with something ~ a good work out, a good stretch, a thoughtful spiritual message.  My shoulders feel lighter, and my heart less heavy after class on Tuesday night.  My mind is full of introspection, examination and thoughtfulness.  In the rush of everyday craziness, I often forget to be mindful.  I love that yoga helps me remember, and examine, my thoughts, choices and actions.  It helps create a tenuous balance for me.  And I know that continual practice will help me make progress toward a better version of myself.  Even if I don’t see progress every day, class this evening allowed me to remember that progress is being made.  Like a  delicate stream, or the tortoise.  Steady, and slow.

“Do not believe in anything simply because you have heard it. Do not believe in anything simply because it is spoken and rumored by many. Do not believe in anything simply because it is found written in your religious books. Do not believe in anything merely on the authority of your teachers and elders. Do not believe in traditions because they have been handed down for many generations. But after observation and analysis, when you find that anything agrees with reason and is conducive to the good and benefit of one and all, then accept it and live up to it.”

~ Buddah 

I absolutely adore my yoga class on Tuesdays.  For me, it is the perfect blend of tough physical poses and really great ideas.  I was completely stoked today because some of the more advanced poses and holds were a little easier for me.  Although I still wasn’t doing grasshopper, and probably won’t be anytime soon.

I thought the quote (above) that began class was really interesting and provocative.  Don’t believe anything for any other reason than you have found it logical, and reasonable, and that it is beneficial to the greater good.  When you really start to meditate on it, that’s fairly powerful.

Think how many things you believe because that is what you were taught, that is what your religion has ingrained in you ~ that is what someone wiser has advised you to believe.  It’s amazing how many things I believe because of these reasons.  Religion, parenting and elders teach us morals, values ~ things that make up the essence of who we are.

How disconcerting to be told to reconsider all these things, and choose to believe only in things we ourselves have tested and analyzed.  It throws quite a wrench in religion, not to mention other things.  For me, the toughest idea is not to believe that which is written in books.  That nearly goes against everything I know.  My family is very academic ~ words written on paper are knowledge.  How does one dispute that?

On the other hand, what the Buddah is asking us all to do is think for ourselves.  Make informed decisions based on observed information rather than hearsay.  That cannot be bad advise.  It’s the same principle that holds true in a court of law ~ unless a person experienced or witnessed something first hand, the information is inadmissible.  It’s hearsay.  Which is an attempt to eliminate the distortion that occurs as information is translated from one fallible source to the next.  Like the game ‘telephone.’

It also plays in with last week ~ in order to be confident in who you are as a person, you should also be confident in what you believe.  Having conviction, believing something inherently ~even if, or possibly especially if it is not the commonly accepted idea ~ gives a person power.  It means, from my point of view, that one knows who they are, and isn’t afraid to stand up for oneself.

There are certain things I feel very strongly about.  Even when I am told it is foolish.  Even when people disagree.  Even when a person is scornful, and doubts my conviction.  I know, within my very being, that nothing can change how I feel.  That belief gives me strength.  And the things I believe in most vehemently, are ideas and thoughts I have come to just as Buddah advised ~ by personal observation and analysis.  By understanding that my thoughts and beliefs are reasonable, and beneficial to the greater good.  Not everyone agrees with me.  But that doesn’t deter me.  To me, that signifies a true belief that defines my character.

Initially, I struggled with the mental aspect of class tonight.  But the more I think on it, the more powerful it becomes.  And I love anything that gives me the seed of contemplation.  It helps keep life in perspective.

Tonight, the man and I had omelets for dinner.

It was my idea ~ but the man made the omelets.  He’s an expert omelet maker (also, I am terrible).  I sautéed some sliced button mushrooms and asparagus tips in a little EVOO, with salt, pepper and garlic powder for the inner omelet, and the man topped each one with shredded cheese (an Italian blend), some salsa (Chi Chi’s medium heat chunky because it’s my fav) and a generous dollop of sour cream.

Delish.  And totally on point after a full day and a very challenging yoga class.

I’ve been enjoying yoga again, but missed the past two weeks (Lucy had a vet appt and … well, I was feeling a little ‘under the weather’ last Tuesday).  I knew, after my eight miles yesterday, that I would be in need of some stretching and some mental relaxation ~ so I made sure that yoga was a priority.

(Don’t worry, Lucy and I went on a nice walk this morning at her favorite spot, and she ran around like a very happy, very crazy dog for nearly 40 minutes).

As I said to John when I pulled into the driveway this evening: Eight miles, I felt fine.  Yoga? Kicked my butt.

During class, we meditated on the idea of qualified actions.  I cannot tell a lie ~ I completely qualify my actions.  So it was a good exercise in reflection, and in contemplation of how to modify this bad habit. (I have a sinking suspicion that it will be much harder to do than to say).

Essentially, it dove-tailed a little with class a few weeks ago. Which works for me, because life is all about working every day toward being a better version, a more aware version of oneself.  A little reminding goes a long way.

I happen to really love the way in which the yogi who teaches the class I attend thinks.   Because, in the end, it’s her thought process that motivates class.  She has the balance I enjoy ~ ideas and thoughts to chew on, and truly challenging poses.  Today, as I dripped sweat onto the mat, I felt the relief that comes with yoga, with quieting the mind. And I contemplated the idea of qualified actions.  We all have reasons that we don’t do something, that we can’t do something … instead of just focusing on doing something, however great or small.  So we qualify.  But the only way to genuinely do something is to just live in the action.

Trust me, I’m pretty sure it’s as hard as it sounds.  Aaaaand, I’m pretty sure I’m not going to have mastered the idea any time soon.  I’m in the ‘just scraping the surface’ phase.

As for right now, I’m cuddled on the couch with my deliciously snuggly puppy and my practically perfect man.  All in all, I’m a lucky girl.  Part of today translated to me as it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.  And I have some seriously incredibly travel buddies.  Nothing feels so bad when I remember that.

“To action alone hast thou a right and never at all to its fruits; let not the fruits of action be thy motive; neither let there be in thee any attachment to inaction” ~Bhagavad Gita

I heard the above quote incorrectly today ~ I heard “To action alone one is entitled, and never to its root.”  Until I spoke with my yoga instructor after class and read the text over her shoulder, I didn’t realize that I’d been contemplating the brilliance of a mis-quoted line.

But as I sit here and meditate on it, I’m glad I mis-heard her.

Recently, I’ve been very angry.  I don’t know why.  And I’ve always been sensitive.  And I’ve over-thought things.  Imagine the “ah-hah” moment I had when I thought, ‘Wait a second … the only thing that I am entitled to is the action.  The motivation behind it ~ not my concern.”  It felt like permission to take things and react to things at face value, instead of agonizing about the meaning behind the action.

I often say – mostly with a laugh and a shrug- that from the age of eighteen until about the age of twenty-eight, I lost my way.  I made a lot of bad decisions, and I lost sight of who I was, what I believed in, and how I wanted to live my life.  I  didn’t have much self-confidence (do many twenty-somethings?) and because of that, I searched for reassurance and acceptance in the wrong places.  I knew who I thought I was ~ but I don’t think that’s how I presented myself to the world.  I didn’t take pride in myself.  I went through a few life-altering experiences in my late twenties.  The self-doubts and insecurities -even after finding my footing, acknowledging my incredible support system and finding a partner who is my best friend and who nurtures the best in me- sometimes seep into my daily life.

Pondering the idea that perhaps an action is just an action, and not a subliminal message in pretty packaging, is probably something I should make a daily habit.  And even if that subliminal message exists, it might be beneficial (for me, at least) to remind myself that I can either give credence to it, or I can move past it.  There is no law requiring intense dissection of underlying meanings.

Actions are powerful things, even without ulterior motives.

Even in the true meaning of the passage, action should be undertaken for the simple act itself, not the fruits of it.  To loosely quote what Minda said after class, “I tell my students that it isn’t about the bonus points or the rewards ~ do the work to do the work”.  On that subject, the simple act of doing usually results in knowledge or wisdom or epiphanies.  If you go through the motions, you learn whether you mean to or not.  Action is funny that way, huh? 😉 (I can hear the piano teacher of my youth saying ‘practice, practice, practice!’ right now).

The other aspect that (in my mis-heard version) struck a chord was acknowledging that no action doesn’t necessarily have an ulterior motive, either.  Stressing about inaction is just as futile as stressing about action, or more importantly, the implied meaning of either the action or inaction.

Action.

It’s such a huge idea to wrap one’s head around.  Not only the ideas proposed during my hot vinyasa class, but as an overriding concept.

Actions speak louder than words.  A cliché, but utterly true.  Here are a couple more.

Lead by example.

Just do it.

I’m not trying to be hokey, but these are the things I am thinking as I contemplate the power of action.  I’m thinking of the people I respect, the things I strive to be.

I was called out once for talking a great game but never following through (see above regarding the ten year period between 18 and 28).  I didn’t understand the significance of that until much later, but when I did, and as I sit here now, I realize the power of that (constructive) criticism.

Action is powerful.  Right now, the man and I are watching “The 60s” (one of his favs, and really interesting … also pertinent to my current thought process).  The marches and protests and riots during the 60’s are a prime example.  Not all the results of actions are positive, but actions are powerful.

To close things out, I’m going to fall back on another great cliché.

I would rather regret something I did, rather than something I did not do.  What could sum it up better than that? Oh, and don’t forget.  It’s just the action. Not the implied, subliminal, possible interpretation.  Just the action itself.

Today, I managed to get on the yoga mat for the first time in months.

It felt good.  For over an hour, it was just me, my thoughts, the movement, and the sweat trickling down my face.

I’d purchased a class package last year that I thought expired in January, but thanks to a reminder email last week, I learned that my classes were still valid.  Having my new office about two blocks from the yoga studio only made tonight’s decision to go to class that much easier.

Our instructor was focusing on ‘tapas’ ~ the idea of doing something against the grain, or something outside your daily routine.  She asked us to reflect on habits, things we might not even realize we are doing … especially the ones full of negative energy.  People whose phone call, or email, make you cringe/roll your eyes/ sigh in exasperation.  “Tapas”  is the act of changing those habits, moving against the norm.

It was a fitting subject to meditate on as I pushed my body past it’s comfort level.  I’ve found myself falling into really bad, negative habits, and once the feelings start, it permeates all aspects of my life.

Example in point: an email in my in-box addresses me in (what I interpret as) a condescending tone.  I am personally affronted, and my frustration at being treated without dignity and respect invades my whole being ~ my shoulders tense, my neck cramps, my jaw aches ~ I am exhausted, and frustrated and twisted in knots of anxiety and anger.  I want to lash out ~ hurt someone as much as I’ve been hurt.  Completely unhealthy in every way.

The thing is, stress happens.  It is an inevitable part of life.  Learning how to manage and handle it is each of our own personal responsibility.  My job is stressful.  It’s a lot of balls in the air at the same time, and if any of them drop, bad things happen.  It’s fast-paced, and the work load is heavy, and things change every day, and the deadlines are short, and important.

Practicing today allowed my brain to take a break for a moment.  And afterwards, as my muscles ached, and my body felt a little wobbly, I felt as though finally, some of the tension was gone.  Class reminded me that I should be constantly and vigilantly working to focus on the good, to release the unneeded frustration and anger.

It gave me peace, centered me ~ a little like church feels on Sunday, the silence of the cathedral and the comfort of the ritual allowing my racing mind to be calmed and focused.

Making decisions against the grain included going to class today instead of going home.  It means getting up in the morning and taking Lucy for a jog instead of sleeping in. (And those are just the ‘physical activity vs. being sedentary’ examples!)  It was the perfect lesson, the perfect meditation for where my life is currently.  I love when things work out that way.  I love when I feel as though I’m working toward something … making progress toward being a better version of myself.