Sometimes, it’s stark the clear difference between what is imagined and what is reality.

I dreamed of sitting curled up in my new reading chair (aka, Lucy’s chair), sipping a hot beverage, reading my book as the snow gently fell all afternoon.  I thought maybe I would write a little because the mood just seemed as though it would be conducive.

I *am* curled up on my reading chair, I *have* read some of my book.  But it’s been another strange day — even the snow has been strange.  Sometimes clattering against the windows, sometimes so fine it’s barely visible.  Sometimes swirling and dipping as if a squall has taken hold.  I haven’t been able to settle my mind, my thoughts, my self.  I’ve been intermittently hungry, thirsty, cold, uncomfortable and needing the use the bathroom.  There has been no rhythm.

I feel beaten up with no discernible reason to feel so; raw and skittish and afraid.

Once, a long time ago, I sat on a park bench on a cool summer evening.  The trees were green and the sky was clear, the stars twinkling.  My friend and I had gone to dinner and were just sitting there for more time to talk before the evening eventually ended.  He and I had recently graduated from high school and I thought we’d be friends forever.

We talked about many things that night, but there are two that still linger in my brain, twenty odd years later.  He said character was who we are in the dark.  And then he said, the only that that is constant is change.

We aren’t still friends, which makes me feel a touch sad at times.  He went on to become a professor of philosophy and has published several books.  He seems happy — what I can tell from the distance with which I now see his life.

But he profoundly changed how my mind worked that night.

And as I sit here today, the weather unpredictable, John’s schedule unpredictable, my legs … unpredictable.  I think about those two things … character is who I am in the dark.  Or perhaps, just alone, without any witness.  And even though I cling to routine with an iron grip, the truth is that life will keep changing and morphing.  And what is up will one day be down.  John will change and evolve and I will change and evolve and we will grow and change together.

The more I fight the change, the harder I make it for myself.  I need to just breath deep, and enjoy the ride.

Xox, g

I try to write before the end of the day because by now, I’m tired and all I want to do is go to bed.  But I made this promise to myself, this New Year’s Resolution.  And I’m not ready to give up just yet.

So here I am.

Last night we wrapped our evening at 8pm because I was just emerging from headache hell and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.  I slept for nearly eleven hours.  My body was wiped.

This morning we lounged around the house, reading books, listening to vinyl, talking about life and philosophy and the “Big Questions.”  I feel immense gratitude that J+I have these kinds of conversations regularly because if he wasn’t here to talk to, I don’t know what I’d do.  I thought, while we talked, what great seeds of ideas it all was for a blog post.  But now, tonight, as I sit here, my mind is blank.

Being ‘sick’ is exhausting.  It’s unrelenting.  It sneaks up on you when you let your guard down.  It’s tiring — which is a completely different thing than being exhausting.  It’s … it’s just really hard.  And it never stops.  And that wears a person down.

Sometimes I’m at a loss as to how to rest enough to feel recuperated.

But I’m here and I’m typing and I’m editing sentences as I go.  So, there’s something in that.  I didn’t miss another day because I got distracted by lethargy.

Xox, g

Today, Joe Biden from Delaware (Scranton) became President of the United States Joseph R. Biden, the forty-sixth man to hold the office in the nearly two hundred and fifty year history of America.

It has been a strange day in our house.  Yesterday evening, we found out our neighbors have both tested positive for COVID with no clear idea how or when they were exposed.  Making it even more troubling/puzzling is that one of them had already begun the vaccine process.

Anyway, now, nearly twenty-four hours after receiving the news, I feel less anxious and scared; instead I feel resolute, determined and stoic.  We decided to self-quarantine (JIC) which has been something of a challenge and strangely exhausting.  My question for the universe … who exactly is following COVID protocol and guidelines?

I ask because both my doctors offices were unsettling blasé about the news, making rescheduling challenging and frustrating.  (Not to mention strangely shaming me for my hyphenated last name?! …) Our families reacted with various levels of concern and care, even stating at one point that we were probably fine.  (Thank you Doctor Family Member).

It isn’t that I wonder if we’ve been exposed or are sick — both are possibilities.   What weighs on my mind is the fact that our neighbors have no idea how they came to get it.  And they are diligent about isolating and staying home; they have been since early last year.  So … that’s … worrying.

Anyway, between phone battles with schedulers, I sat down and watched the first woman elected to high office sworn in as the Vice President of the country.  I cried.  Even if I hadn’t wanted to I would have because it was profoundly moving.  I wished my mother was there to see it, but I also knew that she was and she was proud.  Funnily, Judge Sotomayor mispronounced Kamala and I felt a surge of understanding and recognition as Ms. Harris didn’t get phased at all, but rather took her oath of office with poise and aplomb.

We are in dark days as a country.  Today marks a change in leadership but I can’t say for certain if it marks a change in the momentum of the divide growing larger and louder among our citizens.  All I can have is hope in the ideals of America.

It was a strange day today.  I can’t focus my mind, I drifted through the day.  I am tired and simultaneously wired.

Strange day.

Xox, g