Lucy looked at me with sad eyes as I grabbed my lunch from the fridge and put up the pet gates.  She sat, thinking that perhaps, that would mean I wouldn’t leave.  It twisted my heart into knots twisting in on knots.  I thought about it all day at work, as I trained my new assistant and watched the clock tick slowly by.

It’s amazing the capacity you have to love when you weren’t even expecting it.  My heart seemed full and then I met her, with her wide eyes, and floppy ears, and big, white feet.  She was mine and I knew it the second I met her eyes.  The man knew that my heart was set.  We packed her up and brought her home.  We became a family.

Life has changed since she came to live with us.  Obviously, the man is gone (no, not in a bad way, in a “he-has-to-be-gone-for-work” kind of way).  So it’s just me and my girl.  And it isn’t always easy.  It’s particularly hard when I leave her, and those sad eyes look forlornly at me through the front door, as though she believes she may never see me again.  Seriously. Could I feel more guilty?  … Probably not.

But today when I got home, my little lady hadn’t destroyed anything (other than the chew toy she received as a little present this morning … oooor bribe … y’know, however you choose to interpret it).  She was bending herself into a pretzel (boxers do that, I am told) and after running around the yard for awhile (which tired me out more than Lucy) we’ve been enjoying a girl’s night together.

New, well-balanced food for Lucy with pumpkin puree mixed in.  Eggplant Parmesan from the restaurant for me (I know I had it last week, but it is just.so.good!).  A nice bottle of chilled white wine.  Lucy’s dragon, Puff (or, as her dad calls him, Draco).  A lot of HGTV.  And her Yak’s Milk and Lime chew toy, that managed to last the.whole.day.

Life is pretty good.  Hope you’re enjoying an indulgent Thursday, too.

I woke up this morning with a pit of dread in my stomach.

Never before in my life had January 31st held such foreboding.  But January 31, for those of you not “in the know” (which included me until last year) is the deadline for issuing 1099 forms.  As I run a small company’s business office, it falls on my shoulders to undertake such a task, and if I am being honest, I have been procrastinating like a high school senior working on a thesis.

I mean, I have been panicking about this project.

And instead of just diving in and tackling it (at which point I would have realized it was nothing to get myself all worked up about) I kept staring at the stack of papers and the online QB account with complete and utter fear.

Silly girl.

On the up side of the whole thing, it taught me (once again) that the unknown isn’t really that bad.  It’s just unfamiliar.

But the other thing, is that it feels as though it was just yesterday that the man and I were plane-hopping back from Indianapolis, and now, it’s practically February.  And the man is far, far away on business and won’t be home until  … well, not that long actually, but to me, it feels like forever.

When did time start to slip by like this?  And ~ on that note ~ if time goes by so fast, why doesn’t my savings account balance grow exponentially every time I check it? (A little voice in my head is saying, “A watched pot never boils …” but must I listen to it now?)

I popped the 1099 forms and the missive to the Federal Government (aptly given another number, because clearly, it must be distinguishable from all the other forms that exist) into the mailbox before 5pm and headed over to Parc, Steven Starr’s french bistro on Rittenhouse, to meet up with my boss and our restaurant’s GM and Exec Chef to try out some Pork Milanese.

I took a moment, as I sipped Sancerre and noshed on the truly delish pork, and thought that unknown obstacles were bound to challenge me periodically.  The man being gone, a new puppy, chewed sunglasses (grr Lucy!!), tax forms, new restaurant development, schedule changes, unexpected expenses, a dead truck in the driveway, a baby gate that the dog systematically knocks down every.day. … the list goes on.

But really, it’s not that bad. I have a man who loves me no matter what, one of the cutest pupsters in the whole world, great landlords and neighbors who come to the rescue when needed, a boss and co-workers who make work a lot of fun most of the time, and the best friends and family in the world.  Thank you Ikir, for reminding me.

So, everyday I get a few email blasts from things I signed up for at a time long forgotten, back when I was full of naive hope and bright new dreams.  These email blasts come from Yoga sites, Eat This Not That, Men’s Fitness, Women’s Fitness …. You get the drift.

I signed up for them after reading a list of things that keep people motivated when they are trying to get in shape and establish a workout regime.  One suggestion?  Get healthy fitness and diet reminders daily ~ it will keep your goal fresh in your mind, and keep you motivated.

They worked at first.  I would take notes on post-its as I read the articles, and plan a whole ‘healthy’ notebook that I was going to compile, filled with information I found interesting, helpful, completely b.s. etc.

On the plus side, I still have the post-its.

For a few months, the emails would get highlighted at the beginning of every day, and ‘Marked As Read,’ even though, as I am sure you guessed, they weren’t read.

Recently, however, I feel that some cosmic force is trying to send me a message.

“Five Unusual Signs that Indicate You’re Stressed”

“Top Ten Foods that Beat Stress”

“Yoga for Stress Relief”

…. do you see the pattern?

The thing is, I am actually super stressed.

No, not because we got a dog.

Well … even that’s not entirely true.  It’s a factor, I can’t say it isn’t … it’s a GOOD factor, but it’s January, and I thought that my life would de-stress after the holidays, but as each day slips by, the truth is rearing its ugly head.  My life has gotten MORE stressful.

Yeah.  I know.  You’re jealous.

So, as I struggle to keep the acrobatic juggling act flowing, know that I have a lot of things to blog about … and I’m figuring out how to find the time every day.

Namaste.

This morning, Miss Lucy stood at the front door, and peered hesitantly outside.  She raised her eyes to her dad, trying to let him know that she wasn’t inclined to step out into the rain.  She didn’t bark.  And she didn’t whine.  Her dad, his heart a big pile of mush when it came to anything having to do with her, closed the door, and ruffled her ears.

I overheard him say, “If you don’t want to go outside, we won’t go outside.”

Grrr.

Doggy Mommy-dom has been quite the learning experience so far.  It wasn’t that I didn’t know work was involved.  I wasn’t naive enough to think she would arrive  house-broken, healthy, completely socialized and obedient (although she’s close!).  I knew that I would be cleaning up poop.  And throw-up.  I accepted that some of my things might get chewed.  I knew I would have to be tough.

I did not think it would take such an emotional toll.

I have learned that being the mommy also means occasionally, being the meanie.  As I coaxed Lucy out the door into the hazy drizzle, her ears flattened, and she stopped, bracing herself with her back legs to prevent me from moving her further into the wetness.  I felt like the worst person in the whole world.  No amount of “C’mon Lucy!  It’s not that bad!  Let’s go potty and then we can go back inside! Hurry up Peanut!  Gotta do it!  C’mon Lucy!” seemed to convince my distrusting pup that the rain was not going to melt her immediately.  She looked around frantically for daddy to save her.  But he had already left for work.  Poor Lucy.

We did manage to get in a walk.  Once she was wet, and away from traffic, she seemed oblivious to the rain.  Go figures.  One second, I’m mommy the meanie, the next second, Lucy is happily trotting away, eyes full of wonder at everything along the roadway, tail wagging enthusiastically.

Within a few minutes, my emotions went from unbelievable guilt and utter frustration verging on tears to an overwhelming love that bubbled up and made me want to laugh.  Motherhood, I am learning, is no joke.

I decided ~ and I’m not sure exactly when ~ that 2012 was going to be my year.

First, and most obviously, my birthday is 12.12, so clearly, 2012 lends itself to the task.

Second, I’ve now spent two full years in the same place, at the same job, with the same man, living the same routine.  To some people that might sound pedantic, but to me, it’s hugely significant.  I’m a creature of habit.  I, along with the man, have created a life, a home.  We have built a family.  Through that, I have gained stability, and confidence.  Slowly, I’ve come to learn that everything doesn’t have to feel as though I’m being tossed around in a stormy sea.

Things I’ve learned in the past few years ~

1.  Friends come in all shapes and sizes.  They do not always have your best interests at heart.  They are not always honest.  They do judge ~ everyone does.  It’s okay to disagree with a friend.  It’s okay to stand your ground.  It’s okay to say, “Hey, y’know what?  You bring nothing positive to my life.  I don’t want to be friends anymore.”  And guess what?  You won’t be lonely without friends for the rest of your life.  Even if you walk away from everyone.  There are people out there who are true friends.  And you’ll find them.  Sometimes, that’s what you have to do.

2.  Family is important.  All families are flawed, all families have drama, and all families fight.  But in the end, blood is thicker than water.

3.  Being at the top can really suck sometimes.  You don’t always have the right answer.  You don’t always say the right thing.  You can’t always be nice.

4.  Life is a balancing act.  It’s about trusting yourself, trusting what is inherently important to you, and holding onto that, even in the face of seemingly insurmountable obstacles.

5.  Life shouldn’t be a competition.  But remembering that is harder than being competitive.  Every once in awhile, it’s a good idea to take a step back and get perspective.

6.  Cooking should be fun.  It should be about making something you want to eat.  It should be about breaking bread with friends and family.  But take-out is important, too.  Sometimes, it’s necessary.

7.  You should try all the things you said you would never do.  Life is too short, and things are too much fun.  So is camping.

8.  Save money.  Every day.  Don’t touch it.

9.  Remember that everyone in your life only knows parts of who you are.  They may pigeon-hole you in a way you find both insulting and uncomfortable.  Try to remember that you probably pigeon-hole them, too.  Even if you don’t mean to.  And they might not mean to, either.

10.  Stand up for yourself.  No one else will.  People don’t automatically give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

11.  Take care of your friendships the same way you take care of your relationship.  Be in touch.  Listen.  Be supportive.  Real friends are few and far between.  Real friends are as precious as your perfect partner.

12.  Live in your choices.  Love unconditionally.  Maybe people don’t love you back as much; maybe people don’t support your choices.  Holding other people accountable for unvoiced expectations is a really bad habit.

13.  Acknowledge your flaws.  Other people will point them out.  As long as you know what they are, it’s a lot easier hearing someone else tell you about them. But don’t allow them to handicap you.

14.  No one makes the rules for your life except for you.  Make them carefully, make them spontaneously, make them with a twinkle in your eye.  Make them so you are happy.

This blog was something I started with a somewhat hazy idea of what it would be.  What is has become is a little bit of that, a little bit of something else, and a lot of my soul, typed in black letters across a white screen.  It’s helped me get to know myself ~ which is a humbling thing.  I think that’s also why 2012 is going to be my year.

That, and John and I expanded our family recently.  We adopted the most precious, beautiful, even-tempered, silly, snuggly brindle boxer in the whole world.

And we called her Lucy.  🙂