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in the thick of the struggle
So here I am, all geared up for Monday. Finally walking without crutches, at work early, getting through all the sludge as the week unfolds before me. Buuuuut …. on an awesome note, the man and I did real meal planning for the first time ever. As in, sitting down and planning what we are going to eat for lunch and for dinner this whole week.
It was a little crazy. But boy oh boy did it make grocery shopping easier! I only bought one random thing and safely stored it in the freezer for emergencies (I’d never seen an Italian Herb marinated pork tenderloin in our meat section before… had to try!)
The man is stoked because it means we have something to eat every day at work (without panicking at 7.30a as we rush to get out of the house or just being hungry all.day.) plus it means no after-work grocery store trips (which really eat up an evening … and that is a travesty when the weather is as gorgeous as it is supposed to be all week!).
We’ve reevaluated how we’ve been feeling (especially me as I work to manage stress and the frustration of a never-ending broken foot) and decided to re-dedicate ourselves to eliminating gluten from our diet. We’ve also cut way back on red meat (well, meat of any kind) because according to the Swank diet, red meat and an abundance of saturated fat is bad.
I find the whole process to be both educational and frustrating. When you get a diagnosis like MS, it’s a big piece of information to get your brain around. Last year, in June, I was running regularly with Lucy, I could see just fine out of both eyes, and I could feel every part of my body. In just a year, I have numbness in over 70% of my body (legs, torso, fingers) and any kind of heat, exertion, or high level of stress causes my optic neuritis to flare up. I proactively began a course of treatment, learning how to give myself an intramuscular shot once a week. I basically have doctor appointments every week. My whole world changed.
I’ve been lucky in having some great resources in my boss’s wife, whose nutritional knowledge is incredible. The man and I now have an entire counter dedicated to juicing and smoothies (our Breville Juicer, our Vita-Mix and our Nutri-Bullet). We have found a great juice combination to switch up with our morning smoothies, & we eat more fruit and vegetables than either one of us ever ate in our lives (and, to be fair, have found that vegetarian options are usually delicious and packed with flavor). We have embraced the versatility of quinoa, which is our go-to for any dish that we used to like containing couscous, pasta or rice (**sidenote: you can eat rice if you are on a gluten-free regime, but I don’t particularly like it).
There are a ton of resources on MS, but just like the disease itself, the treatments affect everyone differently. Some people have controlled and basically eliminated symptoms with diet alone. Some people have found that their course of interferon-beta treatments do the trick.
So far, not much feels like it’s working for me. And so we just have to keep trying, keep modifying, keep changing our lives and giving up food and activity and clothing (well, specifically shoes!) because my body keeps betraying me. It’s been five months since I started taking medicine, eight months since my official diagnosis and 13 months since my first symptom. It’s challenging and discouraging that things seem to constantly be getting harder, worse & more pronounced, instead of going the other way.
I struggle to find comfort in the knowledge that I am tough, that I can handle it no matter how hard it gets. I try to tell myself that there is a bigger plan, a way I can use this journey of mine to help others … because I find it hard to reconcile myself to the idea that there is nothing else … it just happened to me and it sucks.
Last night, after making our green juice and fruit salad for our lunches, we curled up on our outdoor sofa. Miss Lucy hopped up and snuggled in, and we talked softly as the light disappeared from the sky and the stars twinkled faintly. We talked about those things you fear in the darkest places of your heart, the ones you pretend aren’t there until the whispers become to loud to ignore.
I’d like to believe I am strong enough all the time to handle what has been given to me. I’d like to be gracious and humble and work to maintain a normal existence, where we don’t talk about MS and numb fingers and dark vision. But now that I’m here, with distance and experience and some knowledge of what MS means, it feels a lot scarier and a lot bigger than it did sitting in the doctor’s office in the cold of January.
My husband said to me, just recently, that he’s surprised sometimes at how together I am, considering all that I’ve been through. I think that was one of the greatest compliments but also one of the most honest assessments I’ve ever been given of who I am. I look at the women in my family, whose strength in the face of adversity takes your breath away, and I don’t feel strong like they are… like they were.
I sit here, my head full of recipes and ideas and commitments I need to make … full of fears and potential consequences and mistakes I’ve made. I feel a little lost and a little deflated, but I also know that I don’t have any choices ~ I have to keep going, and keep trying and keep hoping that something is going to make a difference.
So on that note… til tomorrow. xo
lazy Saturday
“This afternoon, after running errands, but before succumbing to the rhythms of our normal life, the man set us up on our new back patio with a delicious Sauvignon Blanc (recommended by our friends/landlords) from Southbank (Marlborough, NZ) and a chess board.”
When I wrote this post on Saturday night, my eye lids were heavy, and when I re-read it on Sunday, I was a little appalled at how over the top positive I was. It felt forced, strained almost. And not because I meant to be forced, and not because I wasn’t trying to find the positive. I think it came across that way because I was tired when I wrote it, and wanted to avoid falling into any sort of melancholy.
Here’s what I meant to write:
We played chess on a beautiful afternoon while our crazy puppy idled around the yard without her leash (this is a miracle as she loves to sprint into the weeds and bushes the minute you let your guard down). It was peaceful and gentle. And as I stared at the rooks and bishops and knights (or, as I like to refer to them, horses) I thought how symbolic the game of chess really is.
My thoughts were jumbled on Saturday night. The beautiful, crisp New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc could well have been partially responsible for that. But I did have things I wanted to say … and not what came across in my first post.
Life is like chess … in that before every move you make, you analyze the consequences and try to figure out what will come back at you once you remove your fingers from the playing piece. I think this feeling gets stronger as you get older, as you begin to see that every action has a reaction, has consequences (across the range … not just good, not just bad). If I eat this delicious baked concoction of lightly puffed pastry and sugary cheese filling, I will have a moment of taste bud euphoria … and then for the next twenty-four hours I will have stomach pains and feel generally uncomfortable. Was that cheese Danish worth it? Was sacrificing my pawn smart when now I’ve left my queen vulnerable?
It didn’t help me that I played the beginning of the game thinking I had to protect my queen at all costs, rather than my king (feminism rearing its ugly head? hahaha …). Once I learned that I could not sacrifice my king to protect my knight (because, well, then I lose, but also because at least in chess, you cannot put yourself in check) the game took on a whole different feel. Sort of like finally understanding a tough math problem that had plagued you for weeks.
The man said I have a brain for chess (despite having played only four times in my entire life). I’d like to take that as a compliment, and walk around thinking I’m a crazy genius like Bobby Fisher. But in reality, I have a feel for the game of chess because once I’m in, I over think every move. I analyze each move I could make, each counter move my opponent could make, how each move would hurt/help me, how I could defend the next move of my opponent .. I over think chess the way I over think life.
It hasn’t helped my chess game. The man has beaten me every time. On Saturday he did give me the gift of a stalemate, which I thought was very kind of him. It eased my wildly competitive spirit (you know, the one that hates to lose).
I think over thinking has served me well to a point … but mostly it has been my Achilles heel. It makes me think of those test prep courses (SATs, LSATs, etc) when they tell you to go with your gut instinct on the multiple choice question you just aren’t sure about. I hate those questions … just like I hate those kinds of situations in life. I like black and white, I like the right answer being obvious and easy to identify. I drive myself crazy over the gray areas.
I guess this all comes full circle to my current (and permanent) new life baggage. I can analyze the potential results of any choice that I make about MS. I can hypothesize that food will help, I can hope that medicine will help. I can guess that I’ll feel better when I figure out the right choices to make. But just like chess, you sort of can’t predict how the game will progress until you make a commitment to a move. And that can be scary in real life. Because you just might lose.
perspective
Life has been moving at warp speed. When the man and I woke up on May 1st, turned to each other, and said (with smiles and giggles and kisses) that we were a month away from our big day … yeah, that moment feels like it happened yesterday. And yet … we are less than 9 full days away now from June 1st.
Everything feels like it’s happening at heightened levels of emotion. Work has been intense for both of us ~ I can’t speak for the man, but for me, after over three years of starts and stops, my company is officially opening a second location. With that comes amazing excitement and motivation .. but also (awesome timing, right?) a LOT of work. Sometimes, lately more often than is convenient, my brain feels like putty.
I have to say that my journey since the start of 2013 has been incredible. Big ups, deep lows ~ a ton of uncertainty. I’ve had to make adjustments and learn to live my life in a different way and at a different pace. I began a post the other day in which I specifically stated that my body shuts down at 10pm. If I’m sitting somewhere without access to a clock I can tell you within a minute if it’s 10pm. My eyelids get heavy and all interest in anything other that sleep disappears. It’s uncanny.
It’s funny to think that so much of 2013 has come and gone. And here the man and I stand, on the metaphorical threshold of our shared life, looking out across our future. It’s changed a lot since we met on a cold, rainy day in December of 2007. And what’s incredible to me is how much has changed in the last five months.
I will be the first to admit that I have been … handicapped?… by insecurity for much of my adult life. I will also admit I’ve made my share of mistakes, but additionally (unfortunately for me) people’s words of criticism are hard for me to forget. I’ve carried those criticisms for many years, allowing them to chip away at me, hold me back at times, and kick my feet out from underneath me. This year, I’ve gained a lot of confidence. I always have my ‘self-motivation’ moments ~ when I scour the shelves at B & N and spend too much time sipping chai tea and reading advice that all basically sounds the same. Something about this year has been different.
Last night I was confronted with a test. I’ve spent the past few months trying to be more positive, to look at the bright side, to relax and not stress myself out. And then ~ this person showed up, and for whatever reason, felt the need to say truly horrible things as though they were flippant. As though it were acceptable to say these things aloud to others. i was deeply upset, troubled ~ unsettled. But I slept on it ~ because here’s the truth ~ I have immediate, strong and sometimes really inaccurate gut reactions. I’m a drama queen ~ a person ruled by emotion. Sometimes it’s best to take a step back and really look at a situation with as much perspective as you can get.
And today, with as much of that perspective as I could muster, I decided that I had been right. Being friends with someone who is destructive to you isn’t a friendship ~ and maintaining it is irresponsible unless you are a glutton for punishment. And here’s the thing I learned … or maybe I decided it. I have to be okay with the people I spend time with. And if those people try to drag me down, don’t respect me. and/or insult my family and kin purely for sport or to get a reaction ~ that’s not the kind of person I want in my life.
John said to me a little bit ago that since I chose to be positive, my whole demeanor had changed. He said “Babe, you are actually happier since you decided to be.” Such a huge compliment from someone who has to put up with me all the time (and in less than 9 days legally!… and forever!). I think part of that is also choosing the company I want to keep ~ happy people promote happiness. Petty, angry, bitter people promote bitterness. Actually, when I put it like that, it’s pretty simple.
So that’s my moment of today. I’ve had a lot of those over the last few weeks and have started and stopped a bunch of posts. It’s made me think about this blog, and what I’m looking to get out of it. So I’ve made a decision. When i get back from my honeymoon (!!!) I want to refocus on cooking ~ and moving forward, the blog, cooking and various activities and adventures will have a common theme ~ learning about and living with MS. Diet is a huge part of managing the disease, and I feel as though the man and I have just begun to scratch the surface of foods and meals that work for me/us. I’m looking forward to the new journey. If I don’t get back here before, I’d like to say right now that June 1st is most assuredly going to be the best day of my life.
everything in moderation
One of the very hard truths I’ve learned since January is that moderation – and more importantly, being aware of moderation – is infinitely important to my well-being.
I used to believe that if you just pushed through, you would get to the other side, you would accomplish that which you wanted, and all would be well. Unfortunately, it doesn’t quite work that way for me anymore.
I have to confess ~ it’s humbling and really really frustrating.
Let me paint a picture. Imagine growing up the American daughter of a Brit. A woman who suffered unimaginable loss at the tender age of twenty-two, rebuilt her life and became a success both personally and professionally after moving to the United States.
That’s not ‘a little’ to live up to ~ it’s a boat load. My mother pushed through all the hard times ~ stiff upper lip and turn the other cheek and ‘buck up’ and all that jazz. Additionally, as I started to deal with all my baggage, she was soldiering through her own ~ much more gracefully and with incredible focus of purpose and positivity.
It’s been a rough few weeks for me. I hesitate to admit that, because I don’t want to seem weak, or as though I were exploiting my health for attention or to be given consideration. I’m trying – with various levels of success – to keep living as normal a life as possible. It’s not always easy. I’m very tired. And for the past few weeks, as I struggled through a flare and IV medication (among other, equally fun, things) I have had to come to terms with my limitations.
I’m not sure which is the best word to describe it ~ angry, sad, impotent …. My brain floods with descriptions, but my body is paralyzed from action.
Last weekend the man and I ventured north to visit his home town, and after eating highly processed meals saturated with sodium I knew that even though I didn’t always feel it, our diet makes a huge impact on our lives. I knew that sleep played as big a part as anything ~ and that stress absolutely triggers my symptoms.
No more could I will myself to do as I bid. My condition has made me be honest with myself ~ revelatory.
Here’s the truth ~ in a nutshell, and as I know it so far.
Sleep is my friend.
A balanced diet is my friend.
Green smoothies every morning make me (and my body) happy.
Gluten does not.
Two or three glasses of wine are my limit.
I have to focus on work/life balance ~ otherwise, I can’t see a thing.
Sometimes (more often than not right now), I have to say no.
Saying no doesn’t mean I’m weak, or a failure.
Water – lots of it – is my friend.
Life shouldn’t be stressful, (other than work ~ which really can’t help itself).
Loving your job is a blessing ~ be thankful.
Having someone beside you who understands and supports you is invaluable. Seriously.
I’ve found that when things feel a little overwhelming, making little lists like the above helps me keep things in perspective. Every day I learn something, every day I hit a road block I wasn’t expecting … but the truth is that those things don’t always have to do with MS, and trying to get myself to see the bigger picture is a good exercise. I do have to walk my own journey, and I have to be comfy in my own moccasins. It’s really easy to look around and compare my journey to others ~ but it’s not really helpful or healthy. Those are things I have to remember.
let’s hear it for the boy
I meant to hop on here yesterday, but here I am, a day late again.
In 30 days the man and I will be saying “I do” and in honor of that, I thought I’d share a few pics. It’s a really exciting time ~ but also full of so many things ~ I hope that when I look back I remembered to take enough time to savor it. It’s a huge promise and one I am humbled to make. My best friend, my sounding board ~ my partner in crime always.
This was in our very first year of dating.
Is he not the cutest thing in the whole world? Unconditional love.
Us at Longwood Gardens to celebrate my 29th birthday. We love Christmas!
At Alex’s Lemonade Stand’s Fundraiser, “The Great Chef’s Event.” We were lucky enough to go in 2010 and 2012. We’ll miss it this year because we will be on our Honeymoon!
The one time the man got me to dress up for Halloween ~ and I actually had a lot of fun!
One of my favorites ~ Dinner En Blanc Philadelphia last year. I love that we do fun stuff together like this ~ I’m really hoping it happens again, but so far, I haven’t heard anything. Makes me sad … but glad we did it last year!
Our four year anniversary last year. This year, we’re upping the celebrations. But boy oh boy do I love Va La Vineyards.
This one is an oldy ~ back when my hair was pretty blond! It’s funny to look at pics and realize that even though you don’t think you’ve changed all that much … you have! I love John’s smile in this picture. Too bad I look so solemn!
This is funny ~ our very first Art Museum date. We talked about going from the very first conversation we ever had. It took us over four years to get there. Silly us.
One of my all time favorite pictures ~ wearing our football gear, out in Wyoming’s early morning, driving through the parks. It was such a great trip.
John’s funny face.
My funny face.
He’s the love of my life. I can’t wait for June 1st. xoxo
accentuate the positive
Okay, upon reflection of yesterday, I was in a pretty low place, so I figured I should probably add a little fun and lightness to the atmosphere before the blog is overcome & bogged down by sadness. Urgh. (Have you ever listened to the newest Caberet soundtrack? Alan Cumming does this amazing ‘urgh’ sound ~ that’s what’s in my head!).
Couple positives ~ despite having to drastically cut back my wine consumption, the man and I got an awesome dual zone, eighteen bottle fridge yesterday. So excited about it (even if his car accessories still haven’t arrived!).
And we made a decadent, yet gluten-free meal for dinner ~ almost as indulgent as Micky Dee’s (my ‘feel bad’ favorite) but so much better for us! Nachos!
We used:
Gluten free corn chips (sea salt flavored!)
Fresh tomatoes, diced
Fresh basil (did I mention the man built me a little herb garden?)
Black beans
Grated white cheddar
Wild ground antelope
Seriously, we thought we were going to run out, and we had loads extra. So good. So things aren’t that bad I guess. It’s all just about learning, pacing myself and knowing when to step back, take a breath and enjoy the ride.
hard truths
Where to start ….
Here’s the thing. I know what i want to say. I just don’t quite know how to get there from nothing. Ultimate challenge, eh?
So, truth. After all the sympathy and the positive thoughts, at the bottom of it all lurks the cold, hard truth. You don’t have MS. You aren’t struggling. My mother said this to me matter-of-factly, as she has been dealing with it as well in her own situation. She may have even laughed dryly and then said with total clarity, “You know Mousie, everyone says they are so sorry ~ but their gut reaction is relief. And wouldn’t yours be?” A thoughtful pause. “It would be. I would be relieved it wasn’t happening to me.”
Aye, there’s the rub.
Listen, she’s right. In the past, when I’ve heard about other people’s trouble I’ve felt terrible, but also secretly glad that I got to go home and forget all about it. And I know that as I struggle through all these changes no one is sitting at home worrying about me. Life moves on, there are things to see, to do, to experience. Heck, I have so much exciting stuff going on I don’t even want to have to deal with all the baggage. Unfortunately, here I am.
It’s humbling, all the things I’m learning as I work through my very first *official* flare. I’ve had good moments, a lot of bad ones, and I’ve been horribly tired (hence the silence on here). I wonder how many others are out there, dealing like I am, figuring out how to navigate this stuff. It’s not easy. And any idea I had of just sort of brushing over MS is gone. No one could ignore this stuff. I mean, wrap your head around being 33 and barely able to see, walk straight or tie your shoes? If it wasn’t real, it would be sort of hilarious. It still kind of is.
So I thought today I would reflect on the things keeping me sane, keeping me smiling through this.
I met a man with MS who was so kind, smart, and utterly sympathetic on Sunday, and he has agreed to talk to me and help me in any way he can. It’s amazing how generous people are ~ especially when they truly understand and care.
MS has given me perspective on life ~ I just don’t have time for the crap anymore. I want to be happy, to enjoy the good things, to laugh with my love, snuggle with my puppy, enjoy good books and movies and time with family and beautiful vistas and trips …. It’s amazing what life has to offer you when you are willing to look past the daily humdrum stuff.
I am obsessed with audible.com. I love getting in the car and disappearing inside a good book ~no stressful vision required. I’m completely addicted and cannot rave enough about how amazing the written word is ~ I remember my mum reading aloud to Dave and I as we grew up, and she gave us such a precious gift. I am forever grateful.
People are incredibly generous. Seriously. We were just given amazing news from our landlords ~ they are building us an outdoor patio area and mostly, we just asked. So often we defeat ourselves before even giving things a try. I love being surprised in the best possible way. I can’t wait to enjoy being outside with Lucy and the man and enjoying our gorgeous garden from our friends/landlords.
I am overwhelmed by my boss and his huge heart. Work isn’t always easy, and it can be stressful and crazy. But it’s exciting and fun and ever-changing, and my boss has been flexible as I’ve faced my obstacles and been nothing but supportive. He will probably never read this, but I couldn’t ask for a better leader, owner and friend. He has been incredible through all this, and I am eternally grateful.
And finally, to the man. I would be lost without you ~ with you, I am not alone, or scared, or overwhelmed. You make life all that it is. I cannot wait to promise forever to you, and I am so glad that you will be there to walk by my side and be my best friend, confidante and love for the rest of my life & into eternity. Thank you for getting me through this. I promise it will get easier.
Everyone has ups and downs ~ that’s a universal truth. And not one of us knows what it’s like to walk in someone else’s moccasins. My path has been tough recently, but I am clinging to the faith that things will get easier, I will get better and as I do so, I will learn more about how to deal with my moccasins.
Today, they’re pretty okay. I’m hoping that means I’m in the home stretch to feeling better.
in the good times, and the bad
This evening, Lucy and I are on our own. And that’s okay, because the man is pursuing a dream, and I get pretty excited when I think about that. So here us girls are, finally curled up on the couch, watching all my DVR’d episodes of “Dallas” (yup, I will openly admit it ~ complete guilty pleasure!).
I’ve had a lot on my mind the last few days, but I’m not sure any of them are good blog posts. I took a bunch of pictures of the lunches I prepared for the man and I this week but I didn’t cook anything new or exciting ~ just clean food so we ate a good mid-day meal. Then, I thought about blogging about yoga, but I feel like I’ve been doing that a lot lately. So I’m sort of back at square one ~ yammering along as has become my recent trend.
Right now life is a whirlwind of wedding prep (59 days! wha?!?), new routines and work. When we look back at the nearly four years we have been living together, we are amazed at how far we’ve come, and the life we have built together. It’s exciting to be able to celebrate our fifth anniversary with our wedding, and be able to look back at the positive growth that has occurred.
We’ve worked really hard.
When we first got together we made a pact. We worked in restaurants, and our hours were crazy. It meant never really seeing each other and never having the ability to spend quality time with our families. We wanted normalcy, a routine. We were together a year before finding our current home, and when we did, we both worked Monday through Friday jobs, leaving our nights and weekends free.
Now, four years later, I am pretty proud to say that we both have great jobs, and have been really successful in them. We’ve expanded our family by adding our furry love, Lucy Lou, we’ve rearranged and redesigned each room in our apartment, upgraded things. I feel like a real grown-up! I mean, seriously, I make lunches for us for the week. And blend green smoothies every morning packed with veggies. Grown-ups do that kind of thing. When did this happen?
But at the root of all of it ~especially in light of the absurd amount of drama our wedding has stirred up (on both sides) ~ it all comes down to one thing. And I didn’t realize it at first, but I do now.
For the first time since I was eighteen, I am okay with who I am. I’m pretty weird (or, to be politically correct, unique) and I’m okay with that. I feel confident enough to say I know who I am, I know what I want, I know what’s important to me, I’m good at what I do and all of that is okay. In fact, it’s better than okay. It’s a relief. I think it’s easy to lose yourself, it’s easy to believe you are less than what you are, fall into a pit of despair, focus on negativity, eat crappy food … all that stuff. It’s a lot harder to stand tall and be proud of who you are, blemishes, eccentricities and all.
I spent years apologizing for old mistakes, worrying myself to death about how to prove myself (to people who weren’t really interested in knowing me anyway), attempting to prove people’s assumptions about me wrong. And guess what? Who cares about those people ~ those judgers and doubters and nay-sayers. They weren’t looking to help me succeed anyway ~ they were condemning me, and pointing it out to boot.
What I’ve learned ~ where I’ve arrived after the absolutely real, completely shit year I’ve ploughed through ~ is that I didn’t need them anyway. In the darkest moments, the people who had always been there were there again. They were the strength and encouragement and positive force I needed. There are a hell of a lot of truths revealed in the tough times (a person’s character is revealed, as one of my favorite quotes reads).
I also think with age, a person is better able to look at others and say, with a smile,” I just don’t care what you say anymore. I’m taking my own power back.” I’ve learned a lot of lessons in 2013 ~ bad news can help you make positive changes, my mum is a super hero, sticking with something through the hard times can actually pay off, don’t be afraid to ask for what you need … my list is actually pretty long.
So to wrap up yet another ramble ~ I like me. And experiencing that moment changes life. I wish that everyone gets to that realization and feels as liberated as I did. It’s nice to be comfy in one’s own skin and know the real truth of one of the best sayings ever.
You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time. But you can’t please all of the people all of the time.
It’s better to be able to sleep at night knowing you’ve lived your life in conjunction with who you are and what you value. Much better.
the tortoise
Last Friday, I took a hot vinyasa class, and a lot of what the instructor said has stayed with me … especially this week as I began exploring a new style of yoga that focuses much more exclusively on the physical aspects of practice.
The instructor – a very knowledgeable man – told us, as we held triangle pose for what felt like eternity, that so often we all focus on getting ‘there’ ~ as though ‘there’ was a place. He emphasized that there is no ‘there’ ~ there’s only ‘here’ and if we push ourselves to take big strides our progress is often stalled or impeded … rather, one should focus on small improvements and adjustments. Sort of like the tortoise and the hare ~ slow and steady wins the race.
I held on to that idea this morning. My body was sore, and I felt overly exhausted (I’m learning this is pretty standard when I shake up my routine and try to incorporate something new). But I got myself up and made it to class. And once I was on my mat, in the heat of the studio, I reminded myself that my goal for this morning was to improve on my performance from yesterday’s class. Which, much to my surprise and delight, I did. Despite my fatigue and muscle sore-ness.
Hugely satisfying. I knew I liked tortoises (and turtles!) for a reason. We are of a like mind.
sincere effort
So, I’m sitting here and I’m trying so hard to compose something about sincere effort ~ because I loved the idea during class tonight, and I think it really pushes you to be brutally honest with yourself. It’s super easy to think you’re always sincere in your effort ~ in your actions. Buuuuut … when you get right down to it, there are times when we all phone it in; when we go through the motions.
The past few days have been really tough for me. All the really “fun” side effects of my new meds (which I’d sincerely hoped wouldn’t exist for me ) have reared their ugly heads, and even going through the motions has posed a challenge.
So having a moment to focus on my actions, and the motivations behind them was really helpful tonight. I’ve been frustrated and angry by what I’ve felt is my body failing me. My mind failing me. Taking a step back and re-committing to positive thinking and sincerity in what I do was more necessary than I realized.
Even though MS teaches me something every day … about what I’m capable of, what I’ve taken for granted in the past, the daily lessons of patience & tolerance ~ there’s so much more to my life than MS. There are a crazy amount of exciting and challenging things happening (not to mention the man and my wedding!) that it is easy to get distracted, run down and jaded.
And in the past few days, as I’ve fought my frustrations and set backs, I’ve lost track of myself and my commitment to being strong and upbeat; meeting the ‘road bumps’ of MS head on. I’m tired tonight, and my body is exhausted. I want to be able to write coherently about how comforting tonight’s class was ~ how much lighter I felt afterwards, thinking of class’s meditation.
But the truth is, I wouldn’t be putting sincere effort into this post. And even though I’m going to hit publish at the end of my rambles, please do as I say, and not as I do.
When I do put my full effort into something, I feel much more fulfilled at the end of my day ~ as though I spent my time in a worthwhile way. And I’m writing this post so I can remember today’s lesson in sincere effort. Even when I’m doing a little bit of ‘phoning in.’
D5 Creation