Sometimes, no matter how normal a day seems – no matter how mundane – something happens that steals the air right out of your lungs.

And nothing can change it. Or take it back.

It’s just there – real and red and sore.

That’s just life, y’know?  That’s just how life fucks you and doesn’t even care.

So, we’re twenty-three days into the new year, and upon reflection, I’m not sure that I’ve been very attentive to any of my resolutions.  I have, however, been very good at doing much more trivial things.  For example — I have taken my vitamins every day this month.  So far.  That’s a small miracle.

And, even though some days I’ve written a bunch of b.s., I have blogged every single day since January the first.  Amazing!

And I’ve also started using moisturizer every day.  (That’s a big thing, because I have no problem slathering the moisturizer on my face, but I really hate spending the time to moisturize my whole body.  I mean — it’s beyond tedious).

And I have had a minimum of sixty ounces of water a day.  Which still isn’t enough, but it’s a good effort.  Although I must admit that I am a little bit of a camel, and I usually drink a boatload of water a day anyway.

But learning Spanish and playing my keyboard?  Yeah, I haven’t done those things.  And while I have left Facebook and Instagram off my phone, Twitter is back, because, well, just because.  That’s why.

And I have completely failed at beginning each day by saying “Today is going to be a good day.”  I have sporadically remembered — and when I do I am very proud of myself.  And I also think it totally makes a difference.  But as far as forming a new habit?  Yeah, I have a little ways to go.

And being better about eating?  Yeah — haven’t even gotten to that yet.  First, because this January has been insane, second because the hubs was away and that makes me sad, third because I went to LA for work and it was completely about food and fourth — because eating is a comfort thing for me, and I have needed a lot of comfort.  I know I can be disciplined and focused — I’ve done it in the past.  It’s just finding the mojo and the grit to get started.  Because the first week is really the worst.  And then — well, you start to feel better, you have a little more energy (if you don’t have MS, that is) and sometimes you even lose weight.

I’m actually pretty proud of myself for the blogging and the vitamin-taking.  I’ve been such a slacker in the past that to stick with something (even if I’m only at 23 days) feels pretty good.  Sort of like quitting smoking.  At the beginning it was all about counting the days — until it wasn’t.  Until it was totally normal not to smoke, not to stop at gas stations and buy a pack, not to wander outside in the middle of a shift to suck down some nicotine ‘because you just couldn’t get through the rest of the night without it.‘

So here I am, feeling like absolute death on a Friday night (someone — well, me– might have had one or two glasses of wine too many last night) and I’m going to re-commit to my resolutions and refocus on being kind to myself –both physically and mentally.

I’ll check back in next month.  Hopefully the blogging and vitamin-taking is still going strong.  And hopefully I’ve added to my list.

Sometimes, something comes up, and it is SO exciting, and then it is SO frustrating.

That’s what the hubs and I have discovered about home purchase.

It’s completely insane.  

I feel as though 10% of the time I am over the moon — we’ve found our new home, it’s perfect, etc etc.

And then 90% of the time, everything is either depressing, out of our price range or nowhere near anything we want to be close to.

So, in honor of Thursday –arguably the toughest day of the week after Tuesday (I’m sure I’ll blog about my rankings at some point)– that’s my complete contribution.

Buying a house hits up the entire spectrum of emotions — and it’s tough.

Today has not been my best day.

I realized — and I’m not sure at what point — but all of a sudden I knew that today was an anniversary.  And not necessarily a good one.

Two years ago today I was diagnosed with MS.  It has most definitely been a journey since then — things not really changing, and then things changing irrevocably.

We all have our burdens.  One of my favorite sayings is that if everyone threw their problems into a pile and then were told to pick something back up, we’d all pick up our own troubles.  Or — the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.  Point is still the same.  We’d rather carry that with which we are familiar.  Prior to having MS (ahem, prior to being diagnosed with MS — clearly I’d had it for a long time) I never would have voluntarily picked MS up off a pile of woes.  I would have taken family drama, bad career decisions, horrible relationship choices –you know, things I’d dealt with in the past and had some familiarity with.

Today tears slipped down my nose and landed on my lap as I typed to my husband (sidenote: Skype is our friend) — my biggest fear is the day I realize that that particular January 21st marks the moment when I’ve lived with MS longer than I’ve lived without it.  Granted, I’ll be sixty-six, and hopefully much better adjusted with a much stronger sense of humor — but that moment still scares me.  He did a great job of cheering me up — reminding me that I was being absurdly morose.

And I wiped my eyes, and shook my head and told myself to get it together — that I was stronger than all this crapola.  And then John was home, and things felt a little less bleak, and my breath evened out, and I realized — it’s just another day.

And what I should be really disappointed about was the supreme lack of snow after major forecast build-ups.  And that I have the best husband, and the cutest dog — and amazing co-workers, and fantastic family.  And the blessings vastly outweigh the burdens.

But — in the deepest, darkest part of my heart — that doesn’t take away the MS.  And that’s the truth.

So, a little bit ago I posted a Ralph Waldo Emerson quote and in order to do so, I had to google it.  And it brought a wealth of quotes by Emerson into my life.  i figured I’d share a few today, sort of pay it forward to whomever may read this blog.

“Treat a man as he is, and he will remain as he is.  Tread a man as he could be, and he will become what he should be.”

“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”

“What you do speaks so loudly, I cannot hear what you say.”

“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.”

“Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year.”

“Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself.  Go forward and make your dreams come true.”

“Once you have made a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen.”

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”

“Be silly.  Be honest.  Be kind.”

All these quotes make my mind and my soul happy.  I hope they do the same for you.

xoxo

I have a lot of things on my mind.

But mostly, I just want to curl up on the bed in this sunny, pretty hotel room, wake up and then go home.  Which I realize is both lame and ungrateful.  But I’m so tired, and I just want to be in my own house ….  I have fully accepted that as much as I love travelling, I also really love being at home.

The weather in West Hollywood has been perfection.  I mean — just utterly beautiful.  But — and I know this is going to sound weird — there’s something odd about hanging poolside with a bunch of my male co-workers.  It doesn’t sound very fun.  It sounds kinda stressful.  Definitely not relaxing.  And they probably aren’t as hyper-aware of it as I am, but I definitely feel being the only female.  Additionally, the only female who also happens to have MS.

This is not a pity party.  I am still in LA enjoying great weather, great food and great bonding time with my work team.  I think I just have a case of the Januarys, and I miss my husband.  And I’m tired and feeling very MS-y.

On the plusplus side — there’s football on today.

As my co-workers and I sat in the interminably long cab ride from the airport to our hotel, I was eerily reminded of Cape Town, South Africa.  Maybe because it’s warm in January, and the last time I was warm in January I was in Africa.  Maybe it was the palm trees, and the blue sky and the green vegetation.  A lot of it also has to do with the architecture of the buildings.  So many gates and bars and fencing — just like South Africa.

I got a little lost in my head — as one who is seated in the front seat of a cab who can hear none of the conversation behind her might be expected to do.

I’d love to really ruminate on it, because I found it very odd. But today is a little jam-packed and I have to figure out where the pool for this place is (not for fun reasons — it’s because we’re all meeting there).  On the plus side, my room is beautiful and has a little balcony, so that’s very nice.  On the down side, I am so hungry I could probably eat my left arm, and the snacks provided are a million dollars each (that is obviously an exaggeration — but not a huge exaggeration).  Even the water is $14.  Craziness.  Thankfully I brought my handy dandy hot spot, since they also charge you (in addition to the insane room rate) for access to WiFi.

So, that’s my first impression of West Hollywood.  Yup.

Sometimes, the simplest things can completely change even the smallest moments.

I can’t pretend — I’m completely exhausted and I’ve finally hit a day when coming and blogging feels a little bit like a chore.  But I had such a clear idea earlier today about what I wanted to say that I don’t want to do it complete injustice.

I work every day in center city Philadelphia.  I’m very used to the normal jostling and interactions on the street.  There’s an underlying discontent — a mistrust that runs like a current, an energy that one becomes accustomed to after awhile.  As though everyone is out to get everyone else.  Listen, I love Philly –in the strange way that I also feel as though it’s home — but I won’t deny that it’s not unusual for strangers to feel as though Philly is unfriendly and cold.

I think there are many reasons for that, and I won’t get too philosophical about it. But I think it makes sense, and it’s truly, authentically Philadelphia.

But … every once in awhile you meet someone’s eye, and they return your gaze with a huge and genuine smile.

And today I thought — a smile makes all the difference.

It changes a person’s whole face.  It warms up an entire room.  It buzzes — filling a space with energy.  It sort of made my day when a woman smiled at me in the hallway this afternoon.  A real, true, huge, honest smile.

So often, flat and empty stares greet you and it makes you feel even more alone than you felt before.  A smile — a smile changes all that.  All of a sudden you are two people, connected for the briefest of moments.  Finding the happy and sharing it.