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Day 35
Lemme be real for a minute.
Life for me is like an amusement park ride. There’s a lot of waiting, anticipation, anxiety and then there are highs and lows and everything happening in a rush … and then waiting again.
I don’t know if it’s the snow, or COVID, or just February. But lines are blurred and up feels down and down feels sideways and I’m just bouncing from wall to wall to ceiling to wall and then floating out the window.
I’m sad and I’m angry and I’m resigned and I feel trapped and overwhelmed by the vastness of it. I’m searching for comfort and finding none. I’m yearning for contentment but everything feels off its axis. I am drowning, I am floating … I am above and below and somewhere in between. I am lost.
That’s my brain, that’s my stream of conscious thought.
I keep grasping for an anchor and coming up empty-handed.
Listen to Miley Cyrus’ Plastic Hearts. It is my soul right now.
Xox, g
Day 5
There’s a feeling —and I don’t think young people get it, because I don’t remember it from when I was young — but it’s this feeling of remembering yourself at another point in time. So clearly. So fully. You remember who you were, but you also know you aren’t that person anymore and in some ways that person has become a stranger.
But it’s not a sad feeling. It’s like seeing a friend from your past in the most unexpected place. And your whole body smiles, not just your mouth, because the joy at having this reunion in such an unplanned and unanticipated way bubbles up from the depths of your soul and overflows from your fingertips and your eyes and the top fo your head and your heart swells. With memories, with recognition, with happiness.
Nearly twenty years ago I went to concert while studying in Rome. I don’t remember a lot of the details (other than we had a bitch of a time getting home after all the public transportation shut down for the night). But I remember standing in the pit of humans at the base of the stage and I remember my favorite song beginning, the stage dark and then a bright, white spotlight on Ani. I remember diving for a guitar pick when she threw them from the stage. I remember being transported by her words, her poetry, her vivid imagery. I played her music on repeat for such a huge chunk of my time in college. And then … I didn’t.
Sometime after that concert in Rome I lost myself a little bit. My twenties were tough for me and I wish I could pinpoint why, but I just felt lost and insecure and unsure most of the time. Beaten down by the people I surrounded myself with; people who didn’t understand me or know me really. Because I didn’t even know myself, I had forgotten who I was.
After bottoming out, crashing and spectacularly burning, I somehow managed to pick myself up and begin to rebuild. But when you rebuild it isn’t about all the nuances or the details. At the beginning it’s broad strokes, big pieces. Some of the small things get forgotten. And as time passes and you settle in, you fill in new details. You create new parts of yourself. Because life is ever-changing and ever-evolving. New things interest you. You create your depth again, when it isn’t all about survival anymore.
And then, you run into that friend from your past. The one from before the crashing and burning. I ‘ran into’ Ani Difranco while searching for music on our Sonos system and it has been the sweetest reunion. I remember the words to songs I forgot that I forgot. And it fills me up to the very brim. I want to march down the street dancing and screaming her songs because I’m sure that everyone needs this level of joy.
Listen to “Little Plastic Castle” … that’s a good place to start. Or “As Is” … or my college favorite, “Gravel.” Or “Untouchable Face.” Or … just go discover Ani if you don’t know her. It will be worth it.
Xox, g
here we go again
I actually start multiple blog posts a day … in my head. It’s just finding the discipline to sit down and type. But … that seems to be the theme of life in a lot of ways. The mind is a very powerful thing, but transitioning thoughts into action takes discipline and dedication and … well, frankly, not being lazy.
Which I am. Well, I can be. Its a moveble target, y’know?
In support of my recent themed idea (because who will support me if I don’t support myself, right?):
What I’m Watching: I just finished the second season of Big Little Lies and have started the first season of Killing Eve. Some thoughts: Big Little Lies was much more enjoyable than I anticipated. I saw a lot of middle of the road reviews, people’s disappointment, but I thought it was a pretty interesting study of the human condition — why people do the things they do, that life exists in the gray area and black and white are pie-in-the-sky day dreams because very few things are all good or all evil. How people get caught in situations, or life progressions and then look back and wonder what led them there — and what family and friends will do for each other, for the people they love and their different perspectives on what is best for others. It was pretty fascinating, and the cherry on top are the actors: Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, Zoe Kravitz (who I loved this season), Shailene Woodley, Laura Dern and the incomparable Meryl Streep. It made me want to go back and start from the beginning. (Also, who doesn’t love Adam Scott?).
Killing Eve is like a hairpin turn after Big Little Lies and while I adore Sandra Oh and think she’s fabulous, Jodie Comer is what I love so far. I’m only a couple episodes in, but I’m enjoying it.
What I’m Reading: I am currently reading my aunt’s manuscript about the life of Robert Horton. I know a lot of the broad strokes of the ‘story’ (because she has been sharing things over the years as her fascination with him has grown) but some of the subtle details are pretty fascinating. She’s definitely done an amazing amount of research and should be applauded! Next up I think I’m going to tackle The Wright Brothers. I have always been fascinated by them (and Amelia Earhart) so I am looking forward to getting into that.
What I am Listening to: Honestly? Nothing specific right now. It’s as though I can’t find the sound that is in my head, the music that will speak to me. We recently got an Amazon Echo Dot and it’s been fun to speak to it and ask it to play certain music. Hubs & I really love Gerry Mulligan jazz (which we played a few nights in a row ’round the fire pit). But that’s about as specific as I can get!
***
Every month I pick a quote and write it on a chalk board in our foyer. I’ve been doing it for about a year and a half, and some months the quotes are better than others. For this August, I picked a Teddy Roosevelt quote that I come back to a lot, because life is hard and we are all so hard on ourselves and social media does not make it any better.
“Comparison is the thief of Joy.”
When you’ve been ‘retired’ for two and half years, and doing yoga and laundry and Peloton classes (amongst other things) comparison to others can be deadly. Feeling envy of working women, successful women, women whose voices are heard and respected … it can eat you alive from the inside out. So I try to remind myself that it’s a bad, bad habit to compare my life with anyone elses.
I’m moderately to mildly successful on most days. So, that’s a plus.
But it’s hard. I see other people’s homes or cars or accomplishments and I wonder what I do with my time. (Seriously. I can’t even seem to find time to blog … what am I doing?!?). But when I take a deep breath I remind myself that my health is a top priority (because MS doesn’t let you enjoy short cuts … of any kind). And exercise and laundry are important. As is sleep and self-care and my relationship and walking the dog …. and then the rabbit hole begins again, because I don’t know what the point is or if I’m just on a hamster wheel.
Anyway. Some of my thoughts. Written down. Because I’m trying, I really am!
xox, g
reset
It’s been a minute since my last post.
I was feeling a little lost. A little … unclear about what was going on with life. Because my mother died, of course. But with that came so many other things. Life irrevocably changed. My dad is different, our family is different. Everything feels seismically shifted since we lost her. I am alone, floating, directionless. Confused.
So, after awhile, I thought maybe I should come back to the blog. Write. Scream into the void. Maybe it would help. Maybe writing the things I don’t say would be therapeutic.
But I don’t know where to start. I began this blog as a cooking blog but that changed with my MS diagnosis. Also … because, I mean, I like food. And I like eating. But cooking and creating recipes? Not really my thing. I guess that’s something that comes with age. Knowing yourself so much better. Knowing when to call it, when to say, “Yeah, that’s not my bag, thank you very much.” I worked in the hospitality/restaurant industry for 22 years and I can say with all confidence, it wasn’t really my bag. Did I love things about it? Yes. Was innovative food exciting and the beauty and art of wine sort of intoxicating? Absolutely. And being in the industry while it became the hottest industry in the country … yeah, that was pretty cool. But that saying about doing something you love and never working a day in your life? It didn’t apply to my time in restaurants.
Since stopping working I’ve been sort of in love with a couple things … exercise and wellness, skincare and my all-time deepest love, entertainment. So I figured I’d just come back to this space, write about what’s on my mind and what I’m reading/watching/listening to. And maybe I’ll find a direction as I go.
What I’m Watching: So, Husby and I just finished watching Deadwood (both the three seasons of the HBO show and the movie they recently made to give fans closure after 13 years). Once we go through the first couple episodes and settled in, we really enjoyed it. It wasn’t perfect. There were entire episodes when we weren’t really sure what was going on. But Ian McShane made it all worth it. He is utterly brilliant. And the character studies were sort of beautiful. Flawed people, the grayness between right and wrong and the things people do in the name of survival. The portrayal of a prospecting town and the beginnings of ‘civilization’ coming to the wild (north) west. The beauty and subtlety of certain stories outweighed some of the flaws or stereotypes and strangely written dialogue. I felt the movie was an apropos closure written for fans and gave satisfactory payoffs to stories left dangling when the show was abruptly cancelled in 2006.
We also watched a couple good movies yesterday. I say ‘good’ not because they are Oscar worthy films (or that we are the type of people who only watch those kinds of movies) but because they hit different sweet spots. We watched Murder Mystery with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston on Netflix and that was just fun. I read one review that said the writer wondered what dropping a blue collar American couple in an Agatha Christie novel would be like and I have to say, that’s a pretty excellent description, intended or not. If you aren’t looking for anything too heavy and are up for a good time (without too many questions or deep character studies) it’s an enjoyable romp.
After watching that, we switched it up and watched Juliet, Naked which I enjoyed as a film but also because there were so many English things — the sound of the seagulls, the town, the beach. It made me nostalgic for Berwick-upon-Tweed, visiting my grandparents, and waking up in their attic bedroom, the seagulls singing good morning. I loved the gentleness of the movie, and the observations about human nature and human relations. About how we view others, and the assumptions we make about other people’s lives, based on very little information. About the choices we make as people, our mistakes, our intentions. About the gray-ness of life. And the unexpected bright spots. I won’t lie, I’m watching it again as I type this, and I’m enjoying it all over again. Human communication through written word (not Instagram, or emojis or text messages but letters, complete sentences, thoughts on paper). A beautiful thing.
What I’m Reading: Husby and I created a shelf for all our unread books after Christmas this past year. It sits right under our television. I haven’t read nearly enough of the books that sit there but I am trying. I am working hard to put my phone down and explore other alternatives. It’s a challenge. Currently, I am reading a book from Reese Witherspoon’s book club called The Alice Network. What I have loved about it is the readability, but also the historic facts that inspired it (sort of like the real people who informed Deadwood … I guess that’s my thing right now). There was a woman at the beginning of the First World War who served as a spy for the British and her story is fascinating. The book weaves that truth in with its fiction and it is an easy, imminently readable book.
What I’m Listening to: Husby & I watched the Tonys a few weeks ago and I fell head over feet in love with the music of Hadestown. The jazz and folk-influenced music used to tell a story of ancient Greek myths. Near perfection. Plus, the performance and the light design stole my whole heart. We downloaded two different recordings ~ the new Original Broadway Cast (which won’t be completely available until the end of July due to a character-based rollout of the music) and a recording from 2017 entitled Hadestown: The Myth. The Musical. which features Chris Sullivan (aka Toby from This Is Us) as Hermes. Husby and I love his interpretation of the music, his Puckish stylings and his overall narration through the music. As a sidenote, I also love Andre de Shields interpretation and love having both recordings. I also adored de Shields’ Tony acceptance speech and his three points of life advice (1. Surround yourself with people whose eyes light up when you enter a room, 2. Slow is the fastest way to get to the places you want to go and 3. The top of the mountain is just the bottom of another mountain.)
Okay. So that’s me for now. Recovering from surgery, stuck on the couch. Trying to enjoy my down time (and missing exercise something fierce!).
xox, g
My Shot
My obsession with “Hamilton” is absolute.
Today, the ‘Hamilton Mixtape’ was released. I got on the train at 6.47am and hurriedly downloaded on Apple ITunes. (I would have pre-ordered, but J and I have a family plan, and his card is attached to the account … which means I don’t know the security code. Probably a good thing!)
From the very first second, I felt like my heart was going to explode with happiness and love.
I don’t know what it was about “Hamilton” that totally captured me on April 11th of this year. I don’t know what even inspired me to listen to it. Possibly the many posts on social media from my old theatre school mates raving about this new phenomenon. It felt as though the whole world was coming down with ‘Hamilton Fever.’
The Mixtape is so interesting. Part of the appeal of “Hamilton” is the idea that Lin-Manuel Miranda wrote a Broadway musical using the influence of hip hop (about a founding father nonetheless). When I listened to the musical, it was so fresh and new — it dug it’s hooks into you, and didn’t let go. The Mixtape is full of hip hop artists covering MUSICAL THEATRE SONGS. I mean — first, how awesome?!? And then — it doesn’t get much nerdier than that. Who would have thought? Each song is better than the last — each new interpretation adds dimension to songs I’ve been listening to for months. Musical theatre is relevant again — in a big way. I mean, the artists on this album –wow.
I cannot rave enough. I really can’t. What a great gift for a meds Friday.
moments in life
I chug green smoothies on my drive to the train station.
I’m never up early enough to drink it before flying out the door, my arms overflowing with keys, phone, wallet, lunch, kombucha, a scarf and coat, umbrella … and also something absurdly random that is (of course) desperately necessary.
This morning, as I flew down Romansville toward the Thorndale train station, the fog coming in great puffs across the blackened road, I laughed at how much I concentrate on finishing my smoothie. It’s a morning challenge for the ages. In general, making the train is a morning challenge for the ages. But I seem to do it, most mornings, against all odds. I call that adulting.
…
Yesterday I slunk down to my bicycle (sitting innocently enough in our garage). I eyed it up. For what seems like forever, the fatigue has been overwhelming (it’s meds week) and my brain has been fuzzy, too full and unfocused. I didn’t want to exercise. I wanted to stay in pajamas, watching endless episodes of “Gilmore Girls.” (I’ve just begun watching them, and routinely wonder why I never watched them before … I am in love).
I knew I would feel better. But I was feeling agitated. Fussy and unmotivated. I didn’t want to listen to “Kitchen Confidential” (my current audible.com book). I began it because my husband loves it, and while it is highly enjoyable, I deal with restaurants daily at work and don’t always want to spend time in them for fun. Especially the seedy underbelly that any lifer is intimately familiar with.
I’ve listened to “Hamilton” nearly exclusively since April. And it’s great to work out to. But I wanted a story, something to distract me from the blinking lights and the display slowly accumulating minutes and miles. Usually, “Hamilton” is great for that. It’s a story. But it’s a story I’ve heard so many times recently, that I know it inside and out. I zone out now when the inclines get tough. I’m no longer distracted.
I love musical theatre — any musical theatre really — because it’s a story set to music.
When I first began listening to ‘Hamilton’ at work, a woman in my office was shocked and surprised I hadn’t seen it. She laughed, said she got into musical theatre after seeing the show — but she couldn’t listen to the music before that. It had no context.
I’m not like that. My most favorite musicals — the West End version of “Chess” and “Hamilton” — are both musicals I have never seen. But I don’t need to. I can get lost in the story, in the music, without ever seeing an actress or actor perform a single song. The art of musical theatre — sustaining a narrative through song — it’s beautiful and difficult to get right. (I’ve seen some bad musical theatre).
I rode my bicycle to “Hamilton.” It wasn’t a bad ride. I did feel better afterwards. And I got lost in the story all over again.
…
Septa is on strike.
Which means that after the Herculean effort that they put forward to get back to our regular schedule following the July pulling of the Silverliner cars — we’re right back where we were before. And it’s even worse during rush hour at night. Total chaos.
The 6.50am Great Valley Flier is a local train this morning. Making every stop on the way to the city. It’s supposed to be a “Flier”. It’s not. Running about 10 minutes late, and counting.
It means that tomorrow, I will have to drive to University City for my medicine, or I won’t get there in time.
I need the trains to be on time, and on schedule again. Please. Someone. Somewhere. This is excruciating.
it’s august!
Tonight, the man and I are headed out to see Billy Joel in concert. I will finally know the words to most – if not all! – the songs during a concert I am attending!!!
Happy Saturday & Happy August! 
new directions
Whether or not we all mean to, I think New Year brings out the contemplative in us all. It’s a time of reflection of time passed, but also a new beginning ~ a time to look forward and try to make better, smarter and more authentic choices every day.
I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older ~ grown up shall we say? ~ my thoughts have wandered from semi-superficial (lose weight, watch less TV) to more cerebral.
The husby made an excellent point yesterday as we dined with my parents and toasted 2014. Very matter-of-factly, he explained the pressure we have put on the past two years ~ 2012 is going to be the best year … 2013 is going to be the best year ever …. And guess what? Neither 2012 or 2013 were the best years. They just weren’t.
He and I have talked … endlessly, really … about making changes to enhance the quality of our lives. Not so much a ‘New Year’s Resolution’ but more like making smarter choices. LIfe brought a lot of changes for us this past year ~ there were highs and there were lows. We got married, which was such an exciting, incredible and meaningful choice ~ and we spent the beginning part of 2013 very focused on making that happen. I was also diagnosed with MS, broke my foot and have struggled through flares and three (count ’em!) medicines in less than 10 months. Additionally, work has been a rollercoaster for both of us. His company was bought, and my restaurant is finally opening our second location (!!!!).
But beyond that, when you are busy and stressed and trying to juggle endless balls in the air ~ sometimes (oftentimes?) you forget about yourself. To eat well, to take care of yourself, to sleep, to nourish your soul. That idea is at the root of our decision to begin making gradual changes in how we live.
I think our Christmas presents to each other are a perfect example. Two large boxes sat wrapped beneath our tree leading up to Christmas Day. We were spending the holiday at home, by ourselves, and for the first time since our first Christmas, we got each other gifts. On Christmas morning, we each opened packages containing instruments ~ a guitar for him, a keyboard for me. We’d begun to lose ourselves in adulthood ~ work, grocery shopping, family obligations….. Outside interests, creativity ~ those things were forgotten, buried in the shuffle.
We had chosen ~ not long ago ~ that our future as a couple didn’t include starting a family and having children. It wasn’t an easy discussion, and it wasn’t in any way an easy decision. But now that it’s made, we are here, standing at the beginning of our married journey. And making choices to life a fulfilled life is inherently important.
We’ve tried to recognize the things we are passionate about ~ music (and we cover the spectrum of styles!), travel, film and movies, food and wine. Above most things, food. Cooking it, learning about it, dining at restaurants where boundaries are pushed, and flavors are magnificent discoveries. (Can I just mention that we ate a dish on Christmas Eve ~ sea urchin highlighted by soft scrambled eggs and cream …. man, I want to go have that again!)
Thinking about these passions and how to live our lives so we can enjoy the things we love ~ that’s been a journey, as well. So I have to say that I don’t have any true resolutions ~ I just want to be true to myself, to my soul, to my mind, to my values. I want to take care of myself, and treat my body well. And I want to remember who I am outside of work, who I am to my husband, my puppy, my family and friends. And I hope that I can also stay true to myself in my decisions and choices. I think that’s getting easier as I get older, because I think I know myself better and am more confident in who I am.
As Marilla once told Anne of Green Gables ~ “Tomorrow is a new day. With no mistakes in it yet.”
the beatles
When I was younger, I would play my parents vinyl Beatles albums and lie beneath the record player, speakers blaring into my ears. I loved the soft sound of Paul’s soothing voice, the magical way George played the guitar, John’s whimsy and brilliance and Ringo’s … well, Ringo. You could tell that Ringo didn’t take himself too seriously, and he was probably always smiling.
Today, which hasn’t been my best day, I found myself humming Beatles’ songs, and I found it comforting, amidst the confusion of my mind. Since I don’t have anything truly constructive to share except I’m having a bad MS day, I thought I’d share my ‘rainy day’ mantra.
I’m sure I’m not the only one.
“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom… Let It Be.”
And I hope she does.
musical theatre
Have you ever loved something so much it encompassed your entire life? You lived, dreamed, slept, ate and breathed it?
I did.
I was a musical theatre nerd. For real. As in, I didn’t even know any radio hits until I got to college and met people who liked music that didn’t have Original London Cast and Broadway Cast Recording versions. (This might be a slight exaggeration, but only slight. My music collection was every Andrew Lloyd Weber production ever, and a myriad of other musicals including most of the Rogers & Hammerstein library, Showboat, Chess -London Cast only -, Godspell, etc etc).
I loved singing, dancing and being on stage more than anything. I took dance classes, had voice lessons, participated in every show in my high school. I was ‘Glee’. And I went to college for musical theatre.
Where I proceeded to spectacularly crash and burn. There were a lot of factors, none of which are important enough to revisit fourteen years later, but my freshman year was a hot mess. My sophomore year, I dropped from the musical theatre program to ‘just’ the theatre program, and proceeded to cut every part of musical theatre out of my life.
I’m serious. I mean, I’ve never even heard the whole “Wicked” soundtrack, let alone seen the show. My high school self would be appalled with me.
I have friends who have been on Broadway, and whose voices are gifts from God. When they sing, you can’t help but be transported somewhere better. I see their success and am so unbelievably happy for them. And unbelievably disappointed in myself.
Which is why, when I discovered ‘Glee’ online last week, it wasn’t my best day. I watched the season finale from last year, and the season premiere from this season, and I almost felt transported back to 1998 and all the good and bad of the hopes and dreams and utter disappointment that followed my own graduation from high school and matriculation at college.
I don’t have anyone to blame for my failure to pursue my dream except myself. Somewhere along the line, I lost my confidence and my drive. Looking back as a stronger, hardened-by-life adult, I can see where things went wrong for me. It’s sad. But it’s also life. The thing that finally watching ‘Glee’ (I avoided it for a very long time for this exact reason) did for me was to remind me that at one point in my life, I had drive and passion for something. I wanted something more, and not only did I want it, I believed I could achieve it. I think that’s what makes the people who succeed get there ~ enough arrogance combined with self-confidence and blinders to keep on pushing when everyone is saying no.
I wish I’d had that. But wishing doesn’t really get a person anywhere, does it? 🙂
D5 Creation