daily life
now browsing by category
Day 77
There’s nothing quite like sitting down with a full chai latte and catching up with an old friend. Even if it’s to find out she’s moving away and even if it’s only on the phone instead of in person (this is the current status quo for Covid, anyway).
I’m not always “good” at friendships. I don’t do all the things — the cards and the gifts and calling regularly. But even so, i have incredible female friends and I know it. I am grateful for it. I put in as much effort as I know how to, as comes naturally to me. I love them all indescribably. Deeply and fully. And they accept me for me, which is such a blessing.
Life has gifted me friends along the journey, women (& men) who understand me, who listen to me, who teach me and inspire me. Today’s phone call was a reminder of all the things that happen along the road of life for which I can (& should!) be thankful.
So tonight I’ll research the Hudson Valley and listen to Folklore and look forward to the next time our paths cross. A moment we will inevitably plan and a moment I will relish because this friendship rose out of the ashes of years of hard work and sacrifice. And it is a gift.
Xox, g
Day 76
I think being an adult is recognizing the need to “do the things.”
A woman in class today confessed that it took effort to leave her comfortable chair, snuggling with her dog, to get herself to yoga today. A chorus around the room of other women, myself included, confessed they never regretted coming to class — that class itself was amazing — but getting there, especially on cold, grey days was the real challenge.
I know that even if I am tired and angry and frustrated and depressed the best thing for me to do is get dressed and get out of the house. I think that’s why Covid affected me in a such an insidious way. I am a loner, I am an introvert … but to stay balanced, I need to get out of the house. I need social interaction and routine. All that disappeared a year ago. And while it’s come back in fits and starts, it isn’t the same. There’s an underlying fear, there’s a wary gaze — politics and pandemics and civil rights have divided all of us and we don’t know who is “safe” anymore.
Even on my mat— socially distanced and wearing a mask— it doesn’t feel the same as class used to feel. It feels close, don’t get me wrong. But not the same.
I also know that to save myself, to keep myself from spiraling, it’s imperative that I get on my mat, that I sweat and wobble and struggle through class, breathing heavily through a sweat-soaked mask.
And that is adulting. It’s knowing that I could choose sadness and depression and sweatpants and junk food … and choosing something else instead. Something better for me.
Adulting is really effing hard sometimes.
Xox, g
Day 75
We are all on journeys.
Sometimes we don’t know where we are going or why … but we are traveling. Aimlessly, with laser focus … everything in between. Traveling along the road of time.
I think about time a lot.
Time is funny and tricky – like an optical illusion. Fast and slow simultaneously. I remember when my mother turned forty — she knew everything, she was glamorous and smart and had it all together. She had the answers to all the questions. She was everything.
I didn’t feel that way when I turned forty. I felt like I was still fifteen — unsure and unknowing. A little lost, a little reckless, a little afraid. Still trying to figure it out, this adulting thing. Still looking for answers to unanswerable questions.
Did she feel that way, too? Probably. But she never let on.
I feel young and old every day. Lost and found every day. I feel like my journey is a lazy drift down a winding river and also, a jump out of a plane.
And I am always, always tired.
Xoxo, g
Day 74
Ever have a moment when you pause – or full out stop — and look around your house and marvel at the fact that it’s all yours?
I had a moment like that today. As I surveyed the first floor of our house and thought – somewhat in wonderment — that this grown-up house with dishes and a dining room table and a phonograph and clean dish towels and furniture is John + mine. We curated it (an obnoxious phrase but unfortunately, fitting). Not only that, but we use our pots and pans and dishes and dining room table. We even listen to records on the weekend while drinking coffee and talking about … well, everything and nothing and all the stuff in between.
It looks like a grown-ups house and I forget that’s what we are. I got my first vaccine shot today (because I know good people not because I was necessarily responsible in any way). I wished for my mother, or even just my husband — someone to be with me in case it was intimidating or scary or confusing. I couldn’t find the office when I arrived and walked around the entire complex in the cold wind, my poor feet dragging on the ground as I tried to walk faster than I am able. I wished for someone, anyone, to be there and be more responsible than me, to hold my hand and guide me. But I have passed that part of life and know, deep in my soul, that I have to own my self.
The shot wasn’t intimidating. It felt bizarrely fast and the clinic was disorganized but efficient. My arm aches and I hope that’s my only side effect.
Lucy is staring at me, wanting her dinner. Daylight savings sucks sometimes.
Xoxo, g
Day 73
When John & I moved to Chester County nearly six years ago, we didn’t know anyone. Well, my parents, but that’s it. We had no friends down the street, we commuted to work and we lived in a little bubble of travel, our selves, Lucy and our house.
It’s funny how community builds when you aren’t even looking. Today, my yoga community and the broader community of people with autoimmune disorders rose up and illustrated to me —yet again — how important community can be. How important community is — full stop.
I’ve never lived in any one place for longer than six years. I hit that mark in the apartment — the first place John and I lived. And this July, I will surpass it when we hit the six year anniversary of moving into our first house. This house. Our home. In a place we chose because it just felt better whenever we were here. In a place where we have built community — with locals and business owners and outdoorsmen and yogis and other transplants. Where our community rises up and carries us when we need support.
When John and I chose each other we had very little else but ourselves to bring to the table. What we have we have earned together, we have built together. When I look around at my life, I feel blessed beyond measure in my partner, in our shared vision, our shared likes and values and hobbies and ways we see the world.
I feel blessed in the people who have become our support network — our friends and neighbors. To have built what we have built from nothing feels like a miracle. And I am so grateful for it.
Thank you Amy & Susanne. Thank you so very much.
Xox, g
Day 72
As days go, today was a good one.
You can feel spring in the air, even though the wind whipped. We rode around with the roof open, wrapped in coats and hats. We drank coffees and talked about life and philosophy and Marvel and school teachers and life.
We spent time with friends and remembered what having dinner with people outside our Covid bubble felt like — conversation and laughter and strange coincidences. Promises to spend time together again soon. Hugs and handshakes and peaches and zucchini.
Derek Jeter and A-Rod.
It was a good day.
Xox, g
Day 67
I had a lot of thoughts about The Interview before I watched it.
I knew I wouldn’t see it live — John and I have a rhythm to our life and an interview – no matter how explosive/informative/interesting – doesn’t fit into our Sunday night.
But today, after yoga and the roofer and a myriad of other things, i finally sat down before dinner and watched it.
All it did was confirm what I already believed to be true about the institution of the Royal Family of the United Kingdom. And reaffirm my respect for Meghan Markle and my affection for Prince Harry.
And tomorrow, after I’ve thought about it (& hopefully when I’m feeling a little bit better) I’ll write more. Maybe.
I don’t know.
Xoxo, g
Day 62
Today was the kind of day that makes even someone like me wish for Spring. The weather was mild and the sun was shining. Everything felt a little easier.
I managed to be highly efficient all day — both getting in my Peloton miles and going to yoga (!!yay!!) plus running some errands, seeing the chiropractor AND making the majority of dinner.
I did all of it with a killer headache which is (for me) a huge accomplishment.
When I asked Dr. M for a referral to another neurologist last week I thought he took me seriously. (He *doesn’t do* migraines …. just MS). Three day long, debilitating headaches occurring after my infusion like clock-work seem … suspicious at the very least. But there was no referral in my paperwork and my disillusionment with modern-day healthcare deepens.
It’s just a frustrating place to be — governed by my health but unable to get any actual, comprehensive help. It’s all so fractured and not a single doctor wants to say anything for certain for fear of a lawsuit.
It’s exhausting. I’m exhausted. As though MS fatigue weren’t enough.
Ergh.
Xox, g
Day 59
One of my resolutions for this year was to read more, watch TV less. And other than the two days I was feeling really sick, I have maintained my goal of not watching TV during the day.
It has led to some truly great reading.
I have a terrible habit of starting a book, marking my place with a bookmark and then leaving it … sometimes for years. Case in point — beside my bed sit Empire of the Summer Moon, Failing Up, and Thanks a Thousand plus the US Constitution with selections from the Federalist Papers. I have begun all of them, and have made my way to varying points in them, but I have finished none of them.
On my shelves downstairs I have begun Beginners Guide to Insight Meditation, Tao Te Ching 101, Joan Didion 1960s & 1970s: A Collection, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius, The Yoga Sutras of Pantanjali, First Man, Becoming, Turn Right at Machu Picchu, The Wright Brothers, Notes from a Small Island and my current read Give Your Heart to the Hawks.
On my Nook … (this is where it starts to get embarrassing) The Vanishing Half (I was invited to join a book club and this is the first book!!), A Secret History of Witches, My Life with the Eskimo, How to Be Anti-Racist, Between the World and Me, The Goldfinch, and The Incendiaries.
And let me be clear … these are just the books that I’ve started to read. This list does not include all the books I own and have not yet cracked open.
I love to read. I have found that, as an adult, I haven’t been doing that much of it consistently. It has been my 2021 resolution to get more reading done and despite the Herculean list above of unfinished tomes, I have managed to complete American Buffalo, Why Buddhism is True and A Ride to Eternity (written by one of my Dad’s fraternity brothers about the murder of his aunt in 1939- painfully sad, bizarrely compelling and absolutely fascinating).
It isn’t that I don’t want to finish the books — it’s about finding the time and concentration in a world that has us (myself included!) trained to consume our information in sound bytes and 140 character click bait.
Hubs and I decided that we need to devote more time to reading because we both love it. (He always says, “I never regret the time I spend reading.”) Today has been spent nose deep in books, piano music on in the background, with lunch breaks and a Lucy bath thrown in for fun (well, maybe not for her!).
I feel supremely blessed to have a partner in life who loves and values the things I love and value.
Xox, g
D5 Creation