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Day 22
The thing about being in constant, acute pain over a long period of time is that you lose all concept of reality. And then, when the pain begins to recede your body basically collapses from fatigue; from the sustained effort of constantly fighting and managing the unending agony.
I know that I need to see a doctor about these headaches. I know it, but just contemplating it exhausts me to the point of tears. After the absolute song and dance of my latest tele-medicine appointment, and the even more discouraging news and diagnosis’ (if you can call them that if even the doctor isn’t really sure) …. Anyway, the prospect of starting another health journey is both excruciating and heartbreaking for me.
Doesn’t mean I won’t do it. Just means I get a little more sad every time I do.
I’m hoping today is the last day of pain. I’m hoping that tonight I sleep. I’m hoping a lot of things.
Wish me luck.
Xox, g
Day 20/5
Today, Joe Biden from Delaware (Scranton) became President of the United States Joseph R. Biden, the forty-sixth man to hold the office in the nearly two hundred and fifty year history of America.
It has been a strange day in our house. Yesterday evening, we found out our neighbors have both tested positive for COVID with no clear idea how or when they were exposed. Making it even more troubling/puzzling is that one of them had already begun the vaccine process.
Anyway, now, nearly twenty-four hours after receiving the news, I feel less anxious and scared; instead I feel resolute, determined and stoic. We decided to self-quarantine (JIC) which has been something of a challenge and strangely exhausting. My question for the universe … who exactly is following COVID protocol and guidelines?
I ask because both my doctors offices were unsettling blasé about the news, making rescheduling challenging and frustrating. (Not to mention strangely shaming me for my hyphenated last name?! …) Our families reacted with various levels of concern and care, even stating at one point that we were probably fine. (Thank you Doctor Family Member).
It isn’t that I wonder if we’ve been exposed or are sick — both are possibilities. What weighs on my mind is the fact that our neighbors have no idea how they came to get it. And they are diligent about isolating and staying home; they have been since early last year. So … that’s … worrying.
Anyway, between phone battles with schedulers, I sat down and watched the first woman elected to high office sworn in as the Vice President of the country. I cried. Even if I hadn’t wanted to I would have because it was profoundly moving. I wished my mother was there to see it, but I also knew that she was and she was proud. Funnily, Judge Sotomayor mispronounced Kamala and I felt a surge of understanding and recognition as Ms. Harris didn’t get phased at all, but rather took her oath of office with poise and aplomb.
We are in dark days as a country. Today marks a change in leadership but I can’t say for certain if it marks a change in the momentum of the divide growing larger and louder among our citizens. All I can have is hope in the ideals of America.
It was a strange day today. I can’t focus my mind, I drifted through the day. I am tired and simultaneously wired.
Strange day.
Xox, g
Day 17
There’s always one weekend day that I don’t do any of my regular routine, and one day that I do most of it because for some reason, doing the same activities on a Sunday feels different than doing them on a Monday.
Today was our monthly girls House Party call, so John went fishing, leaving the house to me. After skipping Peloton yesterday ( other than my nightly meditation) I hopped on the bike because there really is no better way to start a day than by getting sweaty. I immediately feel accomplished even if I do nothing else!
This morning I even managed to leave myself enough time after my shower and before our call to run down and get myself a chai. And then two hours of just good, girly conversation ranging from Cobra Kai to philosophy to football.
Afterwards, before John got home, Lucy and I took a long neighborhood walk and I settled in to read more American Buffalo (as I’ve promised it to my aunt to read next).
Sometimes, days just *feel* good.
Xox, g
Day 13
Yesterday was a tough day for me. There are a lot of reasons, and no reasons. One of those days. I wondered, by the end of the day when I was snapping at John and Lucy, what my problem actually was.
Even today, I can’t tell you because I’m not fully sure. I feel off balance and as though I’m slipping … just wildly out of control with no idea where I’m going to end up. I’m sad and angry and I feel so fucking alone. Like Alice and the Looking Glass … where she can see people but they can’t see or hear her.
I had a rough therapy session yesterday. It made me think about a lot of things in ways I had never considered them before. It left me uncomfortable and vulnerable. And angry (obviously) because anger is the best secondary emotion out there. Defensive and hot and fiery. Not raw or exposed or sad. Anger is aggressive, it makes you feel strong and powerful. It also makes you a miserable dinner companion. (Just stating facts).
On day number 13 of being off social media, I can say that I’m sad; I feel disconnected and faraway from humanity in a way that is not pleasant at all. I’m wondering if I will hit the bottom of this pit of self-pity soon and begin to relish the time I have — time to read and write and pursue activities other than scrolling a feed. I wonder if there will be freedom in the release from comparison — all those other picture-perfect lives that I’m no longer competing with. I hope.
J+I reactivated our Home Chef subscription this month because … well, coming up with dinner ideas seemed like too much pressure. Plus it helps us keep our grocery budget and we don’t have as much of an issue with leftovers and wasted food. It also switches things up, because after awhile we just fall into a food rut and can’t get ourselves out of it. Last night was stuffed peppers. Who knows what tonight will bring, but there are only two more choices so I have a 50/50 shot of guessing right! (I’m also half of the voting body, so I can hugely influence the outcome!).
We took the Porsche out for a ride this afternoon and got Starbucks. Life isn’t really that bad at all. I need to snap out of this round of the doldrums.
Xox, g
D5 Creation