I always start the year off strong and then sometime in March completely fall off the wagon.  It’s sort of like my meditation practice.  When I’m in a groove, it’s excellent.  But it’s so easy to fall out of the groove.  And then realize I haven’t blogged in nearly four months.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a headache specialist.  I have been tracking my headaches for about a year and a half and they occur much too frequently and are far too debilitating to continue to ignore them.  Once upon a time — a nearly forgotten time — I did not get headaches every other week that took me out for three days.  But here I am now, hoping that tomorrow is the beginning of a solution.

I think I’ve figured some things out but then something happens and I’m lost again, searching in vain for commonalities or some kind of fixable situation that can be addressed.  Hormones, infusions … nothing is the same each time.  It’s maddening.

Anyway.  I thought I’d come back here to blog. To hold me accountable, sure, but also to document this journey from the semi-beginning.

For the record, as usual, I feel like shit.  Not just physically (that’s kind of a given especially since I am coming off another headache) but mentally and emotionally.  I’m angry, frustrated and feeling impotent in the large machine of western medicine.  My right leg hurts through its numbness – something nearly unbearable.  My hip sears in pain like the sizzling of meat on a grill.  My left shoulder aches and throbs, sending me messages I cannot interpret.  My right ankle drops, tries to lift, and drops again.  The numbness burns.  I want to cry.  I am resentful of everything MS has taken, resentful of how much more I will have to set down along the way.

Tomorrow begins another quest for wellness.  Another walk down the de-humanizing hallway of neuroscience.  I know that I have to make changes – diet changes and exercise changes.  Life changes.  I’m angry about that.  But anger doesn’t change the facts.

Either I change or I continue to decline.  There are no other choices.

Xoxo, g