I feel like the car that is sputtering on the side of the road – sputtering but not turning over.  Still trying, but too worn out to do much more than flail intermittently.

I’m not sure what triggered it but today I had a true moment of utter despair – a moment of terror and fear and defeat and desperation.  I am tired.  I cannot seem to get “un” tired no matter what I do.  And the fear within me to be viewed as lazy or privileged drives me every day to push myself past the capacity of my body.

Fear of not being able to walk.  Despair at becoming a person like my in-laws: completely uncaring about my environment or my health or the people I’m surrounded by.  Defeat at not being able to keep going, to do the things, live a normal life.  Terror at being directionless and lost forever.

What is rest?  What is good sleep?  What are the things I can do and keep existing without sputtering to a stop?

I am so tired.

Xox, g