I’ve heard that women almost immediately forget the exquisite pain that is childbirth.  At least long enough that they are willing to go through it again (sometimes multiple times).  They kind of remember.  But not enough to dissuade them.  And I’ve been told the pain is nearly unbearable.

I thought about that phenomenon this morning as I lay in bed, waiting for my alarm to ring.

Of course, I have no idea if it’s true or not, or how accurate it is.  Because I’ve never given birth.  But it made me think about the theory that everything we do as humans is driven by natural selection and the promotion of our genes to the next generation.  Part of Buddhism — per my current read (Why Buddhism is True) — is detaching from the seemingly inherent pull of natural selection/acting in the best interest of our genes and instead detaching from those feelings; being an objective observer.

I woke up this morning feeling infinitely better than I have in days.  And my first few thoughts included (but were not limited to) Ah, back to normal!  Whew, I can actually get some stuff done today, Thank God my brain is working again and I can get a good work out in today!  

The problem, as I got up and went about my morning routine (really intense stuff like skincare and laundry) was my assumption that this feeling — the one I had today of fairly good energy and the ability to function as a healthy human being — was somehow my “normal.”

That assumption has gotten me into loads of trouble across the eight years (and counting) of my multiple sclerosis.  I think I feel better and therefore I can go back to overloading my body and mind and all will be indefinitely well.

Nope.

I’m the woman who just gave birth and then thinks it’s a good idea to do it again.  Who forgets the pain and suffering of nine months of pregnancy and then pushing a watermelon out a hole the size of … well, woefully smaller than a watermelon.  (This might be somewhat inaccurate … again, I’ve never given birth).  The point is the same.  Mild insanity.

Anyway, my moment of clarity today happened when I stopped myself and slowed down.  When I considered that my life is just one big cycle of feeling good, overdoing it, and then feeling like death for a prolonged period of time, only to start it all over again.

How do I break the bad habit?

That’s a real question because I don’t know.  I tried to be kind and gentle with myself today but I just wanted to DO SO MANY THINGS BECAUSE I FELT GOOD!!!  It’s really hard not to take advantage of that.

I guess I just have to keep remembering the exquisite pain of overdoing it — the collapsing legs and the cotton-head feeling and the overwhelming and debilitating fatigue.

As my yoga teacher says, it’s a practice, not a perfect.

Xox, g