Life ebbs and flows.  My days ebb & flow.  Sometimes up, sometimes down.  Sometimes a blur.  The older I get the more I see the rhythm and accept it, rather than fight it.  I will have good times.  I will have bad times.  There will be much in between.

Today felt like a sprint from the beginning and my head was filled with nagging, irritating thoughts.  So much time is wasted with worry and anxiety and anger but it’s hard not to fall into the patterns of replaying conversations and situations.  It makes me think of samskara — something I know very little about but read of in The Untethered Soul.  Feelings, memories, things you can’t let go; they just replay and replay and replay and circle and linger.  There is no satisfactory outcome.  And so they are very present, just below the surface, in and out of conscious thought.

My homework from my last therapy session was to re-write the story I tell myself.  It has proved to be much harder to do than any previous homework.  In re-writing my story, I’ve come up against some ingrained parts of my nature that are difficult to overcome or change.  Or even reconcile.  Often it has left me deep in thought, wondering why I’d accepted so many things that have been status quo in my life.

It’s much easier to uplift other people than to uplift yourself.  It’s the hardest self-help work I’ve ever done.  It feels like a slippery slope with no end and no beginning.  Just struggle and battle.  I’m perplexed.  I’m exhausted.  I am learning and in that learning I am hurting at the hurt I have inflicted upon myself.  At the hurt I have endured and allowed as acceptable.

It is hard.

Xox, g