My brother-in-law Alan was born 41 years ago today.

I loved Alan.  He could make anyone smile, his laugh was infectious and earning an air-kiss a special privilege.

We lost him nearly a year ago.  It was devastating.

I think about him a lot.  We didn’t see him enough while he was alive, but the times we did see him lifted my soul up.  He was the most joyous human I’ve ever met.

Alan had cerebral palsy so we could never talk to him — we could talk *at* him and hope we understood his response.  We could laugh and tell him stories and hope that we understood his reactions.  We could hypothesize what he might have said had he been able to tell us what he really thought.  But we never knew.  And that … that was awful.

What was never in doubt – not ever – was how much he loved John.  His whole being lit up when his brother arrived to see him and his devastation when we left was real.  He stared at John, rapt with love and so many words unsaid.  He laughed and swung his arms in excitement; he withheld kisses until John had sufficiently apologized for our long absence (yet again).

The world is certainly a darker place without Alan in it.  My heart hurts thinking about it.

Xox, g