Life has been challenging.

Not just for me, but for the world.  It has been difficult for people (especially, it seems, Americans) to get past partisan lines and understand that this disease doesn’t care who you voted for, will vote for or what you believe your rights are.

But  … life has also been challenging for me.  It happens, right?  You think you’ve got it figured out, you’ve found yourself in a groove, and then suddenly, nothing makes sense, nothing works anymore.

I’m tired.  I’m always tired, so when I write it, there’s no strength to it.  No power.  But I keep saying it and I keep typing it because it is the world in which I exist — where every choice is about energy, about focus, about consequence.  If I ride the bike early and take a shower, I have a whole day ahead of me in clean clothing with nothing hanging over me  … but I’m wiped.  I move like I’m drifting across the ocean floor in water … everything is slow and fuzzy.  Time-delayed. r Most things make sense but I have to work to get there.  I am tired.  If I work, run errands, do chores etc  in the morning and put off the bike until the afternoon, then after my shower I just have to sit down, eat dinner and veg.  But it means I’m in work out clothing all day.  There’s always something I have to do hanging over me, I’m always checking the clock.  And these are the days that my body hasn’t decided to throw a wrench in things and switch up ‘the norm.’

The last few days have been a struggle for me.  I mean … just a struggle.  I am a type A person and I like results; I like actionable items.  I like steps that lead to solving a problem.  I have built my MS life around this idea that every problem has solutions.  It’s just about working through the list and seeing what fits on that particular day.  It is very … very frustrating when the list doesn’t work.  When google has no alternatives.  When you are just stuck in a body that has resolutely refused to work.  Sometimes I’m angry, sometimes I’m  defeated … oftentimes I want to cry with despair and frustration.

And sleep.  Sleep is always good.

xox, g