My life has changed dramatically since leaving my job last January.

I mean, dramatically.

At first, I felt lost.  As though I had no direction and even worse, didn’t even know how to find one.  Then I felt resentful.  At the circumstances under which I left my job.  At my disease.  At the world for doing me so dirty.  And then came defiance.  I will conquer.  I will succeed.  I will create and live and be unstoppable.

But MS nipped that one pretty quickly in the bud.

Who am I?  What do I want to do with my life?  What am I currently doing with my life? … I chewed on these questions for a long time.  I felt like I wasn’t contributing to our household, that I was the weak link.  That this invisible illness of mine was debilitating, but not debilitating *enough*.

But the real question that I kept coming back to was ~ who was I before and why was I that girl?  Did I like that girl?  Was I proud of her?  Did she pursue dreams relentlessly and with passion?  Um…. hmmm.

I spent a lot of time not knowing myself and not really having a clear direction (other than stay alive and pay the bills).  I spent over twenty years in the hospitality/restaurant industry because I sort of landed there.  And I did love it.  And I was passionate about it.  I was so proud of my last company and all it accomplished while I was there.  I look at it now and it’s nearly unrecognizable — it just blew up.  Which is fabulous.  But I’m not sad that I’m no longer part of it.  I wasn’t *that* passionate.

I went to college for musical theatre.  And I absolutely adore musical theatre.  In fact, I was medium okay at performing, too.  But I wasn’t passionate enough to risk it all.  To sleep on couches and starve myself and do everything you need to do to make it in the industry.  I started waiting tables instead.  (See above for where that lead).

So you can imagine that these past eighteen months have been interesting for me.  Challenging, frustrating, desperate.  Freeing.

I mean, seriously. What do I care about?

Last year was a blur.  I quit and then John had surgery.  Then he started a new job.  And then September happened and September to December are always a blur of football and holidays.  This year started well – we hosted our first Rabbie Burns supper and I was hired by Aflac to sell insurance.  I got my license.  I did my training.  I f*cking hated it.  I had some major issues with how business was done.  I lasted a month.  It wasn’t my finest moment in time.

And then the husband told me to go back to yoga.

He’d said it in the past but he was pretty adamant this time.  My body was hurting.  I was riding my bike every day but I was getting stiffer.  The relief that I’d experienced before this for all the joyous physical MS symptoms was fading.  I was mentally trapped.  And then Dr. Markowitz suggested in April that I needed to figure out my anxiety because my MS wasn’t being triggered by anything physical.  Physically, he said, I was doing really well.

Well, isn’t that a b*tch.

Timing is a crazy thing.  I received an email blast from a new yoga studio offering a new student special – $21 for 21 days.  I called my friend (recently on short term disability for a new MS drug therapy) and we began our 21 days.  She didn’t end up staying at the studio after those first few weeks.  But I did.  I had found something that was missing.  I still don’t know if I can put my finger on what it is.  But I found it.  And it led to some amazing things.

First, it led me to the chiropractor.  I did something to my left shoulder (always a painful nuisance … thank you high school swim team).  I arrived at my chiro slightly trepidatious but over my first three months fell madly in love with their philosophies, their clean living examples (homemade bug spray! homemade sunscreen! detox diets!)and their long term goal of helping me be the healthiest version of myself I can be.

I discovered essential oils.  With a healthy dose of skepticism I ordered a diffuser and all kinds of oils I didn’t even understand.  I didn’t even know how to use them for the first few weeks.  I just occasionally googled something and then went about my day.  And then, all of sudden, things started to make sense.

I also fully committed to using more natural products.  I mean, your skin is your largest organ.  It makes sense that the things you put on it affect your body as a whole.  But I’m a skincare snob.  I mean, a big one.  Finding new products was not something I undertook lightly.

But Instagram came to my rescue (as it so often does … sort of, haha!).  I found Real Simple Soaps out of Hilton Head Island South Carolina and I fell so ridiculously in love with her products that I even got my mother on the natural products train.  RSS makes products using goat milk, kefir and probiotics with all natural ingredients.  And the stuff works better than anything I’ve ever used.  This amazing discovery led me to try Kopari deodorant (all natural coconut).  Once the door to vegan, non-GMO, cruelty-free, natural products was open, I not only discovered some amazing things (all Kopari products that I’ve tried are amazing and Thrive Causmetics are THE SH*T) but I felt really, really happy.

I also took Dr. M’s advice and went to therapy.  That has been super interesting.  Always rewarding, sometimes painful.  Usually thought-provoking.

I think that what I’ve learned more clearly than anything I expected to learn was the empowering and positive force of self care.  It sounds super (I mean, super duper) pretentious, but it isn’t.  I believe in it passionately.  I believe in getting sweaty every day and the cleansing power of physically moving your body.  I believe in eating healthy, whole foods (but still uber delicious and fun and inventive and non-restrictive).  I believe in drinking a ton of water.  I mean, a ton.  (I drink about 96 ounces a day.  I know.  It’s a lot).  I believe in prioritizing sleep in order to more fully enjoy your awake hours.

I have found that taking care of myself is so much more than getting my Tysabri infusion every twenty-eight days.  And in turn, it helps keep my MS under control.  It’s insanely powerful.

So I might not have a clear direction yet.  But I’m starting to get a good sense of what I believe in, what I’m passionate about and how I want to spend my time.  I’m learning to love and accept myself, flaws and all.  I’m learning to forgive myself and my disease for bad days.

I’m also attempting to learn how to have curly hair.  It’ll be an adventure.