The past few months have been a whirlwind.  Of what, I’m not sure.  But it feels like every day the minutes slip away and I’m constantly fighting to be more efficient, to use time wisely, to check all the boxes of ‘things to do’ … and yet, I still manage to feel constantly behind.

A few weeks ago on my Instagram feed (the MS one ~ ilooknormal) I posted about self care. That I hadn’t meant for 2018 to be shaped by it, but somehow, that’s what has happened.  For a few weeks I’ve been going to the chiropractor three times a week.  It is actually crazy how much that changes your life.  And for two months I’ve also been hoofing it to yoga multiple times a week.  Plus riding the bike. Plus switching to a Keto diet (um, yeah, I’m not super good at it, but it definitely has its benefits).

Let’s rewind here a minute.

I am not working.  So it makes it easier for me to prioritize yoga and chiropractic care and sleep and cooking every day , etc., etc., etc.  But after all these weeks of ‘taking care of myself’ I feel a little lost.  I mean, I know that the things I am doing are good things.  My body does feel better.  But, if I had a job, or any other obligation whatsoever, how could I possibly fit all this stuff in?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the fatigue.  If ‘normal’ people just have more hours in the day because their bodies require less sleep.  Or, even if they do require as much sleep as I do, they just skip it and manage to be okay.  That is not the case for me.  Two nights ago I slept for about six and half or seven hours and spent the following day feeling like I was going to die.  Eight hours isn’t negotiable for me.  It is a requirement. Nine is better. Otherwise all the carefully placed cards in this little house of mine crumble to the ground in an instant.

So.

How do I prioritize this ‘self care’ (most of which is physical) and ALSO manage not to lose my mind?

This is an interesting conundrum.

For the first time in more than a decade, I went to a therapist.  This was prompted by my neurologist who pondered during my last appointment if the troubles I was facing in my MS journey were not, as it happened, brought on physically but rather, mentally.

That’s a cold bucket of water to the head if there ever was one.  I’d been so focused on the physical side of my disease that I’d completely forgotten that the insidious monster doesn’t discriminate when it comes to triggers.  And how (this I asked out loud) could the issue be mental when I’d left my job (y’know, the one with all the stress and anxiety and b.s.) nearly fifteen months earlier?

Mmmmmm.

So, self care is about a little bit more than a chiropractor and yoga and a Keto diet.

To me, right now, it’s about finding an anchor.  And figuring out the direction of the wind.  I feel physically better since I’ve been doing all of ‘the stuff’ but I also feel adrift and confused and lost.  I’m not sure what I’m doing and at 38, retirement doesn’t feel right.  So how can I leverage all this stuff and do something I love?

Yeah, I haven’t figured that out yet.

I love writing, but I never seem to find the time.  I love cooking, but at the end of the day (when most of the cooking is done in our house) all I want to do is curl up on the couch and be quiet and still.  I love traveling and restaurants and using my brain.  But what with all the hot yoga and bike riding and chiro appointments I am too tired to even contemplate doing anything else.  And if I went back to work full time, I’d give up everything that I have found to help control the disease.  So, that’s a little like my own private Sophie’s Choice.

Anyway.  My goal is to get back to this blog more regularly.  Like Stephen King wrote in his amazing book “On Writing,” you really need to do it every day.  Keep the muscles fresh.  Keep honing the skill.  Maybe, while I’m doing all this, something will clarify and I’ll find my way.  Until then, I’m on my self care journey & I’m hoping that it keeps getting the job done.