I love days when I feel productive and as though I made good decisions.

Those days don’t happen all the time.  And when I have one, I am very inspired to continue the trend.  But inevitably, I get tired, or distracted and again make less good decisions.

Yesterday was a semi-good day — which I feel can be marked as progress. I didn’t have a green smoothie to start the day (I never — despite all intentions when I fall asleep) get up early enough to make one and also make my train.  So I rely on the kindness and thoughtfulness of my hubs.  Yesterday he also deserved to sleep in a little (what exactly is ‘sleeping in’ when it occurs before 6am…?  Ah, I know.  It’s called ‘Lucy didn’t wake up at 5.35a’).  But I got a green juice at Starbucks (which was actually nearly frozen through and hadn’t defrosted by the time I left the office at 4pm).  But I did buy it with the best of intentions.

I managed to drink a fair amount of water.  I have a system — more like a schedule — that I try to stick to, but it has proven challenging when my days are crazy … as more of them tend to be as the business begins to grow exponentially.  I try — valiently, i might add — to drink a full 32 ounces before noon, another before 2pm and then I can ride the train home without worrying about having to use the bathroom.  That leaves another 20 ounces to be consumed prior to bed and I try to get that done before 7pm so I’m not up every 2 hours throughout the night.  MS, folks.  She’s no joke.

I did a lot of work — I usually do a lot of work, but yesterday’s was quantifiable work & I like having evidence of productivity.  Then I got on the stationary bike when I got home and rode six miles — my longest workout yet.  (As a sidetone, it’s only my third ride on our stationary bike).  I only had two (albeit rather full) glasses of wine.  And we had salmon sashimi and dumplings for dinner.  Not so bad.

But … I had one of the worst night’s sleep ever.  I get really bad headaches behind my left eye and last night’s was a doozy.  Have you ever taken pain pills and visualized how they are going to alleviate the pain?  Well, I do it a lot, because these headaches wreck me.  In my fitful, painful, sweaty half-sleep, all I kept thinking about after downing the Excedrin, was how the pills were progressing through my system, to my blood, to the spot of unendurable pain in my brain.  Thankfully, when John got up to head out to the Outdoorsman show with his buds, the pain seemed to have significantly lessened.  But I am always so cautious after a headache.  Nothing is worth doing that could trigger it to come back.  It is just absolutely the most excruciating pain.  And it always seems to last forever — as though I can no longer remember what it is like to not be crippled by it.

Anyway.

Right now Lucy and I are in my office while Dora cleans.  The paper seems to have multiplied again and it’s so depressing.  Paper on this desk, paper on my desk at work  …. so much paper needing to be read, dealt with, filed.  Sometimes I wistfully think back to simpler times … but then I remember that this is what I dreamed of, this house and my career.  And I can’t be too frustrated.

John and I leave for Italy on Wednesday.  It still feels very surreal that we are going.  There were times when I thought I’d never travel again.  First because of money, then because of MS.  And now, a little over a year into Tysabri and six years slogging away at the restaurant … dreams are coming true left and right.  I’m spoiled and I’m so grateful.

Because right now, in this moment, despite the challenges, despite the unfairness of life — right now, I am happy.  And that is a great feeling.