So, obviously, there has to come a moment when the tides change … when all that felt it was falling into a pit begins to float back up.

I feel as though John and I have spent this year being tested ~ emotionally, physically, as individuals and as a couple.  There have been amazing ups, but there have also been devastating downs.

I’d like to turn the corner … I’d like to feel content and motivated and at peace with life again.  I think, just for a moment before things changed, I felt as though I’d taken control of my life.  I felt invested in my work, inspired by my goals and as though I was living a life I could be proud of.  I haven’t felt that way in what feels like a long time.

It’s easy to feel sad, and to sooth that sadness with excuses and actions you may otherwise eschew.  I wanted to be living a healthy life, a full life, a purpose-driven life.  But being healthy is harder, requires more effort than just being ordinary.  Eating fast food, and drinking a lot of wine.  Those things are temporary (and easy) band aids for the damage and pain beneath the surface.

The man printed an article a few days ago.  It’s still sitting on our countertop, and it has been constantly in my thoughts.  The author proposed a theory ~ that while we all want to be ‘happier’ and make choices to live a ‘happier’ life, what we should really consider is what we are willing to suffer to achieve it.

I don’t think I stated that very clearly, so I’ll try another way.  What kind of suffering are we willing to endure to create and maintain the ‘happiness’ we all strive for.  I want to be thinner and in shape ~ but I hit snooze on my alarm every morning, and every evening the couch seems vastly preferable to the gym after a long work day and an even longer commute home.  So that ‘suffering’ ~ the early arisal or the push at the end of the day ~ I have shown definitively that I’m not willing to endure that to achieve my ‘happiness.’

But I do endure the relentless commute to and from the city each day for a job I feel frustrated by and unhappy in ~ so really, I am the master of my own fate.

I know that making myself and my health a priority has to rank above my job.  I know that intellectually, but emotionally, it’s frightening.  In an economic climate such as todays, with the job market the way it is, I am afraid to lose my job (more than I am afraid to put on weight, apparently).

I do feel that these thoughts, this jigsaw puzzle I am trying to solve, is a step in the right direction.  I want to be proactive, I want to put the effort forth for the things I care about.  I just need to figure out how to do it ~ how to organize my life to meet my own needs, and thus create my own ‘happiness.’  I need to figure out how to effectively prioritize.

I’ll keep you updated as to how it goes.