Sometimes I feel as though life gets distilled down to very clear delineations between YES and NO. Not in a basic kind of way but rather a life-affirming kind of way. YES, this is important. NO, this is not. YES, I should care about this and put the time in or NO, this isn’t helping. I’ve had a few of these moments of clarity in my life – disease being one, death another. Everything, for just a moment, comes into focus and it’s abundantly clear what’s worth it and what isn’t.

Last Thursday I had my second colonoscopy/endoscopy. The first one was brutal. So going into the second I wasn’t just skeptical, I was scared. And scared little me gets defensive, bullish and all around not fun. When it was all over with, and I drifted up out of my anesthesia haze, gripping John’s hand as though a lifeline, my first thought was confusion. How did I get into a different room surrounded by different people? But my second thought was of relief. Yes, of course the clock starts again at that point, counting down to the next colonoscopy, but it’s a very very long timer. It’s a five year timer. Possibly seven. Because the colonoscopy was good. Even better than the one four years ago. So thats a good thing. And in that moment, I was through it.

But now here I am. Wondering about that clarity. Wondering what my next steps are. Wondering.

I think I’ll finally finish my 200 hour teacher training. Perhaps also finish the philosophy course. Consider doing the 300 hour. I’ll keep writing. I’ll keep working every day to eat better food. Drink more water. And get quality sleep. I’ll probably still binge TV shows, and buy tickets for Marvel releases at 9 in the morning the day the tickets go on sale. I’ll continue to drink chai lattes. And I hope travel and smile and be grateful for this little life I lead.

But what does that look like? This I don’t know. This, I have to build from the ground up. All on my own.

Xox, g