My mind is a jumble today.

I woke up in the darkness of the early morning and fear gripped me.  I was paralyzed with worry that another headache was coming.  It was funny to have that reaction – not the haha funny obviously but the strange funny – because I hadn’t really realized how afraid I am of the pain until that moment.  Or maybe I had full clarity of my own feelings for the first time.  I’ve lived with headaches for so long and I think that now that I’m on medicine to help mitigate, I am afraid it won’t work.  Sort of like the MS treatments I did for the first two years of my diagnosis that had zero effect.

Being chronically ill is exhausting.  I’ve probably written that sentence a million times on this blog.  Last night I went back and read some of my earlier posts and I found it both troubling and interesting how the same thoughts and feelings come up again and again.  As though I’m trapped in an unending circular maze.

Anyway, I thought maybe I should refocus on something more positive.  The things that bring me joy.

I have a friend who is five years into writing her happy thoughts on Facebook and I believe that time spent focusing on finding those little moments is rarely wasted.  The energy we send out is the energy we attract.

I love my chai tea.  There is comfort and joy and safety and goodness wrapped inextricably in that twenty ounce cup with the green logo that I buy nearly every day (and sometimes twice).  I used to say I would quit it one day but now I acknowledge that the pull of that little daily routine is too great and too joyful for me to ever consider eliminating it.

I love when my delivery of catheters arrives.  I don’t know that I’ve ever talked about my catheters on this blog or even on social media.  It’s a private thing, dealing with the myriad of bodily function issues that come with MS.  But I’m ripping that band-aid off because if someone judges me for catheter use then I didn’t really need them in my life in the first place.  I get shipments every three months that I have to authorize online two weeks prior and sometimes I skate a very dangerous line of nearly running out before new ones arrive.  At my last urologist appointment my doctor increased my prescription so not only did I receive a huge shipment of catheters (which brings with it the knowledge that I can pee comfortably for the foreseeable future) but I got six extra boxes, which is just joy personified for me.

I love when I sleep five hours without interruption.  It makes a huge difference in my health and my happiness and it happens rarely, so it is something to be celebrated indeed.  A good night of rest for me is two to three hours and then (after a pee break) another five or six solid hours.  I’m a whole new person and I am so grateful.

The sleep thing has become a big deal because one of the triggers of my migraines *could* be lack of restorative sleep on a regular basis.  As I’m not even a week into my new preventative meds, I don’t know and my new neurologist has just joined the case, but it’s one of the top things he thought could be a trigger.  (And I always thought I was a good sleeper … haha, jokes on me!).

Anyway.  Tomorrow will mark one week on headache medicine.  I haven’t had a headache but that doesn’t mean much at this point.  I don’t feel any different so I am deeply worried.  Probably what woke me in a panic in the middle of the night.

Living in fear is pretty tiring.  Kinda like MS.  Meh.

That’s why it’s important – every once in awhile – to stop and smell the roses.  (Or the chai tea 😁).

Xox, g