August, 2022
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24822
Today has been up and down and all around. I left the house early – lots of appointments – and as I drove next to the train tracks I thought about how grateful I am for my life. That despite the hard stuff – health and family and money and blah blah blah – it’s a pretty good one.
And tonight, as I finally sit down to do the pile of things sitting and waiting patiently for me on my desk – I’m fairly certain that my head may explode. Imminently.
I ran out of time again today. It’s time to make dinner and I haven’t done anything I wanted to do. Which isn’t necessarily true – I went to Movement Paradigm and I went to yoga and both of those things feed my soul. But I didn’t get much done towards my meeting tomorrow. And all I want to do right now is make dinner and sink into the couch as the sun sets, watching “Ted Lasso” for the fourth time in a row.
Life is hard. Family is hard. Relationships are hard. I wish we took more responsibility as humans for our part in how life unfolds at our feet. I’m pretty certain that I own most of my shit (although probably not all of it) but the number of people I deal with on a regular basis who seem to think that the world owes them, or someone else will fix their shit … it’s a lot of people and it’s *mind-blowing.*.
I think I am going to go cook. Brown rice and artichokes and some beans and chicken. And watermelon for dessert.
At least I wrote for the first time in weeks – even if it was to complain about life and my terrible attitude.
Argh.
Xox, g
09822
Today is my first foray into the pain medication my new neurologist prescribed for migraines. My last headache was a little less two weeks ago and I knew that yesterday was it’s next scheduled arrival.
I tried to play it cool. Paid close attention to what I ate. Drank a ton of water. Managed to *not* eat peanut butter out of the jar. (Sounds weird, but that’s a true triumph for me). I could feel the signs in my body – the tightness in my left shoulder, radiating up my neck and around my skull. The sensitivity of my skin, the discomfort in my jaw. I felt the acid rise in my stomach, churning and rolling. But the headache pain never came.
I took my preventative pill before bed. I prayed for sleep.
I took my Invisalign out around 3am. I clench my jaw something fierce because of those mouth pieces, and that clenching just feeds into the headache. That still wasn’t there but I could feel it lurking beneath the surface, waiting, waiting ….
When my alarm went off for yoga this morning I knew in every fiber of my body that I didn’t want to go. I was afraid – afraid of the pain I knew was coming. Afraid of the headache that would take residence and not leave for days. I rolled over and waited. I waited but it didn’t come.
I went to class.
There were moments – like waves lapping the shore – when the pain peaked through. As I flowed and sweat and wobbled my way through balancing postures and vinyasas. It was there. I felt a small relief. Because I’d known. All the signs were pointing that way.
So when hubs and I got home, I popped my first pain pill. I’m absolutely terrified. I am afraid of the side effects and I’m afraid it won’t work. I’m afraid the pain will come and it will rage longer and harder than normal, just to let me know that it’s in control, not me. I can feel the tension building in my shoulder, twisting in on itself. I try to breath and relax but relief doesn’t come.
I hope the pill helps.
Xox, g
04822
This morning – for the first time since I began my yoga journey four plus years ago – hubs came to class. He was (at times!) annoyingly good for his first class. I think (hope!) he liked it.
After class I settled into my office to plug away at my open ended list of to-dos and pulled up my teacher training ( I have fallen woefully behind the arbitrary schedule I set for myself but ce la vie, right?). One of the first questions listed to answer was “What do you love about yoga?”
Which strangely, stumped me.
What do I love about yoga? Besides everything, right? Because I can’t seem to get around the fact that I love everything about yoga. I love the breath and I love the sweat. I love the community. I love the poses, the challenges. I love the heat, the thick humidity. I love how sometimes it’s so hard, my brain empties of everything except that exact moment, that exact pose and the sweat dripping off my nose. I love the philosophy and the thoughtfulness. I love the hard questions and the boundaries yoga pushes. I love all eight of it’s glorious limbs, the yamas and the niyamas and the pranayama. I love that yoga expects nothing of me in return and yet, it expects everything. It accepts everything. I love its deep and rich history. I love it all.
So I guess that’s my answer. It doesn’t help me come up with my mission statement or whatever its called – my purpose. But I know in the marrow of my bones that I love yoga indescribably, indiscriminately, wholly and fully.
I hope husby does one day, too.
Xoxo, g
03822
My mind is a jumble today.
I woke up in the darkness of the early morning and fear gripped me. I was paralyzed with worry that another headache was coming. It was funny to have that reaction – not the haha funny obviously but the strange funny – because I hadn’t really realized how afraid I am of the pain until that moment. Or maybe I had full clarity of my own feelings for the first time. I’ve lived with headaches for so long and I think that now that I’m on medicine to help mitigate, I am afraid it won’t work. Sort of like the MS treatments I did for the first two years of my diagnosis that had zero effect.
Being chronically ill is exhausting. I’ve probably written that sentence a million times on this blog. Last night I went back and read some of my earlier posts and I found it both troubling and interesting how the same thoughts and feelings come up again and again. As though I’m trapped in an unending circular maze.
Anyway, I thought maybe I should refocus on something more positive. The things that bring me joy.
I have a friend who is five years into writing her happy thoughts on Facebook and I believe that time spent focusing on finding those little moments is rarely wasted. The energy we send out is the energy we attract.
I love my chai tea. There is comfort and joy and safety and goodness wrapped inextricably in that twenty ounce cup with the green logo that I buy nearly every day (and sometimes twice). I used to say I would quit it one day but now I acknowledge that the pull of that little daily routine is too great and too joyful for me to ever consider eliminating it.
I love when my delivery of catheters arrives. I don’t know that I’ve ever talked about my catheters on this blog or even on social media. It’s a private thing, dealing with the myriad of bodily function issues that come with MS. But I’m ripping that band-aid off because if someone judges me for catheter use then I didn’t really need them in my life in the first place. I get shipments every three months that I have to authorize online two weeks prior and sometimes I skate a very dangerous line of nearly running out before new ones arrive. At my last urologist appointment my doctor increased my prescription so not only did I receive a huge shipment of catheters (which brings with it the knowledge that I can pee comfortably for the foreseeable future) but I got six extra boxes, which is just joy personified for me.
I love when I sleep five hours without interruption. It makes a huge difference in my health and my happiness and it happens rarely, so it is something to be celebrated indeed. A good night of rest for me is two to three hours and then (after a pee break) another five or six solid hours. I’m a whole new person and I am so grateful.
The sleep thing has become a big deal because one of the triggers of my migraines *could* be lack of restorative sleep on a regular basis. As I’m not even a week into my new preventative meds, I don’t know and my new neurologist has just joined the case, but it’s one of the top things he thought could be a trigger. (And I always thought I was a good sleeper … haha, jokes on me!).
Anyway. Tomorrow will mark one week on headache medicine. I haven’t had a headache but that doesn’t mean much at this point. I don’t feel any different so I am deeply worried. Probably what woke me in a panic in the middle of the night.
Living in fear is pretty tiring. Kinda like MS. Meh.
That’s why it’s important – every once in awhile – to stop and smell the roses. (Or the chai tea 😁).
Xox, g
02822
It’s Day something-or-other of migraine meds and so far, not so bad. I haven’t experienced any specific side effects that I’m worried about. I don’t love taking medicine (especially the kind that has warnings about stopping usage) but I am also so desperate to slow down the onslaught of pain that some of my morals and values get blurry. I don’t love that, but that’s where I’m at.
I take medicine (aka get an infusion) for my MS. I guess it’s only logical and inevitable that I will be on meds to help curb my migraines as well. Despite working hard to keep my body as healthy as possible.
On a different note, had a lunch meeting today about an exciting prospect. I don’t want to talk too much about it until a little more time has been invested, but I feel good about something for the first time in what feels like forever. And that’s sort of miraculous.
Anyway. I made it through another day. I even managed to eat fairly well (despite two chais). It’s always a work in progress. But it feels okay today.
Xox, g
D5 Creation