July, 2022
now browsing by month
29722
Yesterday was a long day and I thought about blogging (I think about a lot of things 🤪) but by the end of the night – after our day took several sharp left turns – I crawled into bed, hoping for sleep and not much else.
Last night was my first night of migraine medication.  I have spent years trying to avoid medicine but my life has been eaten away by the pain and the inability to function clearly so when an option was offered to perhaps prevent the pain, I took it and didn’t hesitate.
I don’t like pharmaceutical drugs (not even recreationally- actually, especially not recreationally) but there comes a moment when there doesn’t  seem to be any other option.  I’ve discussed my headaches with my MS neurologist, my functional medical practitioners, my chiropractor … basically everyone.  And while everyone (minus my neuro) is all for holistic healing, no one has offered me any solutions that actually work.
It’s hard to explain the debilitating nature of pain unless you’ve experienced it, and the average Joe has not experienced sustained, untreatable pain for any length of time that would allow grace and understanding.  Or the painful choice to take drugs despite every fiber of my being hating the idea.
Side effects are drowsiness (no prob, I have MS and am tired constantly!) and blurred vision (ummmm…not as great considering I just had laser eye surgery last year ….).  I think blood pressure as well, but that could be the pain meds he prescribed for the inevitable headache that will come.
Anyway.  I have mixed feelings about western medicine and patient care (I mean, there is no real patient care – there is drug prescribing and rushing through symptoms and not acknowledging that it’s a person sitting there in the form of me … but I digress).  I told my physical therapist about it this morning and she offered an alternative treatment so I’m going to try it (but I’m not ready to give up the drugs yet … the pain is truly unbearable).  I guess I feel optimistic that my headaches are being addressed.  I’m hoping I can begin to feel better consistently and have a normal, functioning life.  (Y’know, for someone with MS).
That’s the update.  Today is Day #2 of drugs.  John is at the farm all weekend.  There is no Lucy so … it’s just me.  And yoga.
Xox, g
27722
I always start the year off strong and then sometime in March completely fall off the wagon.  It’s sort of like my meditation practice.  When I’m in a groove, it’s excellent.  But it’s so easy to fall out of the groove.  And then realize I haven’t blogged in nearly four months.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a headache specialist.  I have been tracking my headaches for about a year and a half and they occur much too frequently and are far too debilitating to continue to ignore them.  Once upon a time — a nearly forgotten time — I did not get headaches every other week that took me out for three days.  But here I am now, hoping that tomorrow is the beginning of a solution.
I think I’ve figured some things out but then something happens and I’m lost again, searching in vain for commonalities or some kind of fixable situation that can be addressed.  Hormones, infusions … nothing is the same each time.  It’s maddening.
Anyway.  I thought I’d come back here to blog. To hold me accountable, sure, but also to document this journey from the semi-beginning.
For the record, as usual, I feel like shit.  Not just physically (that’s kind of a given especially since I am coming off another headache) but mentally and emotionally.  I’m angry, frustrated and feeling impotent in the large machine of western medicine.  My right leg hurts through its numbness – something nearly unbearable.  My hip sears in pain like the sizzling of meat on a grill.  My left shoulder aches and throbs, sending me messages I cannot interpret.  My right ankle drops, tries to lift, and drops again.  The numbness burns.  I want to cry.  I am resentful of everything MS has taken, resentful of how much more I will have to set down along the way.
Tomorrow begins another quest for wellness.  Another walk down the de-humanizing hallway of neuroscience.  I know that I have to make changes – diet changes and exercise changes.  Life changes.  I’m angry about that.  But anger doesn’t change the facts.
Either I change or I continue to decline. Â There are no other choices.
Xoxo, g
D5 Creation