Today has been excruciating.

I think I hit what might be identified as my breaking point.  I got to the point where nothing seemed worth it to keep up a charade that has been slowing eating away at my self-worth, self-esteem and happiness for years.

But reaching that point has also put a glaring light on something that John + I never discuss/deal with/acknowledge.  It’s been our dirty little secret for most of our relationship.  And having to face it has pushed our relationship into a pressure cooker.  He feels attacked, trapped … whatever he’s feeling that I don’t know because he gets deadly quiet and doesn’t talk at all.  And I’m feeling sad and alone.  But also unable to apologize or make things ‘right’ like I have in the past because doing that is in direct contrast with taking care of my own mental health.

On the plus side, for the first time in the years that we’ve been doing this dance with his parents, he conceded that they do treat me the way I say they do.  That he sees it and he doesn’t know what to do.  Which sounds awful typing, but was actually a relief for me.  Because until that moment, I was sure that he just thought they were justified in their behavior.  And I turned a blind eye, because I love my husband deeply.  It was like an unspoken agreement that we would just stay quiet about it all – but especially the really tough stuff.  That our love would somehow get us through it every time.

I know that the pain he must be feeling right now is awful.  Facing the infallibility of our parents isn’t easy.  It sort of disassembles so much of what we as people grew up believing.  And that can be devastating.

My heart is sore but I also know that I cannot stay stuck in this loop of denial and avoidance.  Because inevitably it leads to me getting physically and mentally sick.  And that just sucks.

Anyway.  Today has not been the best day.

xox, g