Another month.

Time is crazy to me.  Sometimes I’ll stop and wonder where I am, as though the wheel is spinning and I’m just skipping around, not having landed yet.  It’s disorienting and I reach out, trying to find my roots.

LIke – how did we buy a second house only three months ago?  Was it really only three months?  I mean, it’s February 1st and we bought the house at the end of October … so that’s five calendar months, but only three full months since we did that thing.  It’s insane to me.

And on Friday we head back to the city for medicine.  It feels like forever since we were last there … but it was only four weeks.  This will be my second infusion of 2022 … craziness.  (Plus side, I’ve almost hit my insurance deductible and things will start costing zero dollars soon!  Benefit of being a  sick person, I  guess?  Hitting those thresholds early on).

When I am tired or I have a headache (regularly occurring things) time stops existing.  Everything is paused.  Tasks that would take five minutes get kicked down the road.  Everything feels overwhelming.  I’m grasping for time to steady myself and also wishing it to pass and finally reach the end of the searing pain.

I’ve gotten good at existing within the pain – at getting life things done.  But by the end of the three days (that’s the typical length) I’m so exhausted from enduring the pain – from smiling – that it takes another couple days to recoup.

I’m tired of apologizing and explaining.  I’m tired of feeling bad that I can’t just exist as a regular person.  I’m tired of all the pressure and judgement I put on myself.  Because even if it is other people, the only judgement I really feel is the judgement coming from within.

Fucked up, right?  Yeah, it’s a side effect of having an invisible illness.

Xox, g