I think, in a lot of ways, we all fancy ourselves adventurers.  Ready for wherever the clues lead us, wherever the wind blows us; up for anything new and exciting.  Especially now, when there are so few opportunities to do something out of the ordinary; so few opportunities to go new places, try new things.

I used to fancy myself flexible.  And today I was reminded, with forceful clarity, that flexibility is no longer a well honed muscle in my arsenal.  Maybe … and I haven’t thought long enough to say for sure, but maybe it never was.  I just wanted it to be.

The idea of that is humbling, frustrating and depressing.  To realize that something as small as a Monday holiday (MLK Day) could so drastically throw me off my game.  Mondays are my re-set day.  They are the foundation of my week.  They are the grounding of my daily life.  And today wasn’t that.

Today should have been a great day.  A day full of fun and relaxation, no responsibility, no to-do list.  Just John and Lucy and me.  And adventure. Instead it felt claustrophobic, suffocating.  Where was my gym time?  Where was my office time?   Is this the reality of my life without work?!? FOREVER?!? 

Or is it the result of COVID?  Tipping this carefully crafted existence that keeps me sane; that is delicate and sensitive and can devolve into a tailspin with the smallest of deviances?

Am I gripping so tightly to routine, to normalcy, that anything that unbalances it I view as a threat?

I fall into deep abysses  of meandering thoughts; thoughts about existence and my place in the world, anyone’s place and purpose in the world … and come up with nothing.  Why would a change in schedule so profoundly change me, alter my mood and state of mind?  My energy presence in the world.

I have a million questions about life, its purpose on a macro and micro level.  Why we do the things we do as humans, the purpose of it all.  I have all these big, deep thoughts and then Martin Luther King Jr’s holiday wacks me so far out of orbit that I lose myself.

What is happening to me?

Xox, g