I woke up with a start in the middle of the night, panic surging to my heart because I somehow remembered in my sleep that I didn’t blog yesterday.

We went to bed after midnight so even if I had blogged before bed it wouldn’t have been the 15th anymore.  We don’t often stay up that late but sometimes it’s a much needed release to just ‘break’ the rules.  I know the prices I’ll pay (and I did pay them today) but somehow, it felt worth it to just stay up late, curled on the couch, watching (really bad) T.V.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to fulfill goals I set.  I think it has to do with the amorphous nature of my days without a paying job, the consequences that I feel so quickly because of my M.S. and also, the fact that I was easily dissuaded and distracted when I was younger.  I would make bold declarations and never see them through.  I don’t want that to be my legacy.  So when I decide to do something, I want to stick with it.  Missing day #15 of my year-long blogging challenge was a huge, huge disappointment.

And then I remembered that that only person really reading this blog,  or keeping track of when I’m writing, is me.  And just like the Peloton, missing a day doesn’t erase everything.  It just means getting back on the proverbial horse the next day.  I tried quitting drinking So. Many. Times.  Until one time it just stuck.

I believe in the idea of doing something for 66 days to create a habit.  It’s worked for me every time I’ve tried it.  So I missed yesterday … while letting loose and enjoying being a little irresponsible after a wicked year, a strange holiday season, and one of the worst weekends of my life.

What matters is I came back today.  And I’ll come back tomorrow.  And I’ll just keep writing and keep being disciplined and just like biking and Sculpt classes and yoga and drinking and quitting smoking … at some point, it will just stick and be part of who I am, and the rhythm of my day.

So here’s to Day 16.  Or Day 1.  Whichever.  Here’s to just being here.

Xox, g