Yesterday was a tough day for me.  There are a lot of reasons, and no reasons.  One of those days.  I wondered, by the end of the day when I was snapping at John and Lucy, what my problem actually was.

Even today, I can’t tell you because I’m not fully sure.  I feel off balance and as though I’m slipping … just wildly out of control with no idea where I’m going to end up.  I’m sad and angry and I feel so fucking alone.  Like Alice and the Looking Glass … where she can see people but they can’t see or hear her.

I had a rough therapy session yesterday.  It made me think about a lot of things in ways I had never considered them before.  It left me uncomfortable and vulnerable.  And angry (obviously) because anger is the best secondary emotion out there.  Defensive and hot and fiery.  Not raw or exposed or sad.  Anger is aggressive, it makes you feel strong and powerful.  It also makes you a miserable dinner companion.  (Just stating facts).

On day number 13 of being off social media, I can say that I’m sad; I feel disconnected and faraway from humanity in a way that is not pleasant at all.  I’m wondering if I will hit the bottom of this pit of self-pity soon and begin to relish the time I have — time to read and write and pursue activities other than scrolling a feed.  I wonder if there will be freedom in the release from comparison — all those other picture-perfect lives that I’m no longer competing with.  I hope.

J+I reactivated our Home Chef subscription this month because … well, coming up with dinner ideas seemed like too much pressure.  Plus it helps us keep our grocery budget and we don’t have as much of an issue with leftovers and wasted food.  It also switches things up, because after awhile we just fall into a food rut and can’t get ourselves out of it.   Last night was stuffed peppers.  Who knows what tonight will bring, but there are only two more choices so I have a 50/50 shot of guessing right! (I’m also half of the voting body, so I can hugely influence the outcome!).

We took the Porsche out for a ride this afternoon and got Starbucks.  Life isn’t really that bad at all.  I need to snap out of this round of the doldrums.

Xox, g