January, 2021
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Day 31
At times, January felt like it might never end. And yet, here we are because time keeps marching on without care or worry to the contents or the state of the world.
John began the second half of his fiscal year this past Monday and everything in our house has felt crammed and stressed and stretched and pressed and intense since. Even this weekend felt upside down and strangely not relaxing because the shadow of what’s happening at his company is just lingering in the background of everything.
We were supposed to have brunch with my Dad and Aunt this morning but it was cancelled due to weather. Snow began midday and hasn’t really stopped, although the accumulations seem small compared to how long it’s been consistently falling. We shoveled tonight, took Lucy for a walk. Came back inside, and prepared to start all over again tomorrow.
The snow isn’t supposed to stop until Tuesday morning but weather forecasts are fickle so we’ll see how tomorrow plays out. John will begin his day at a dead sprint again and has already prepared us both for another intense week.
I’m not sure what I’ll do tomorrow (outside of my usual). I’ll do a Sculpt class and some Peloton classes. I’ll do laundry and wash sheets. I’ll balance our checkbook. I’ll eat oatmeal. If I’m very lucky, I’ll get to read some of my book (Why Buddhism is True which I am very much enjoying). And then we’ll have scallops for dinner (because that’s our last Home Chef meal in the fridge). And we’ll go to bed and begin all over again on Tuesday.
I wanted the snow to feel magical today. I wanted to feel … something, anything. But it was a strange day, filled with low level anxiety and dissatisfaction. We both felt it.
Maybe the start of a new month, a new week, will help freshen up the current vibe. Who knows?
I know we have successfully survived January. And right now, that feels like something.
Xoxo, g
Day 30
As the month winds down, I find myself losing track of my resolutions. As though I’ve reached the finish line.
I have to keep reminding myself that the end of this month means nothing, really, in terms of the promises I’ve made to myself. Just days, preceded by days, followed by days. It’s anti-climactic.
***
Today was a weird day. We had plans … which we should have known would change and morph so many times that the day would end up looking completely different than we’d imagined.
But once again, we didn’t realize it and it was a frustrating exercise in lack of communication and two types of polar opposite people — those who plan and follow through, and those who live a little bit more … spontaneously? Yeah. We’ll say that.
Anyway. I ended up spending some unplanned time reading this morning as John made flies (Santa brought him all the fixings for Christmas, but he hasn’t been able to find time to pursue it until today). Nearly a year ago my yoga teacher recommended a book called Why Buddhism is True and while I purchased it at the time, I hadn’t sat down to read it with any degree of focus until now.
It blew my mind. It’s fascinating and terrifying and pushes the boundaries of the mind (I’m assuming for anyone who has not extensively studied Buddhism before endeavoring to read it). I’m loving the added perspectives it has contributed to my always-evolving life view.
I am also loving the conversations it has inspired between John and I, as I attempt to explain what I’ve just read (I learned that I understood more of it than I initially thought -which pleased me very much). It’s fun to have big conversations about ideas and theories every once in awhile — it breaks up the usual talk of work, Peloton rides and Marvel movies/shows. (Although, side note, WandaVision is everything I hoped it would be, and more!).
I like reading because even if it’s “just” fiction, it changes and expands my mind and I like the feeling of learning and growing. I read A Man Called Ove last summer and the themes and story of it still haunt my thoughts sometimes. It was incredible.
I’m such a book nerd. Haha! Happy Saturday, friends. I hope yours is a good one!
Xoxo, g
Day 29
Today was a medicine day. And it was my first infusion at a new infusion site (my old site no longer does outpatient infusions). It was alright. I’m exhausted and don’t have much to say. Happy Friday! Happy We-Are-Almost-Through-January!
Xox, g
Day 28
Before I begin rambling about something else, I’d like to edit my post from yesterday. Far From Home is the best live-action Spiderman. But Into the Spiderverse is currently the best Spiderman movie that has been released. We watched it again tonight .. just effing brilliant.
Brilliant.
Anyway, moving right along– I got my laptop out for the first time in ages and let me say, typing on my laptop is vastly superior to typing on my iPad. I *do* keep touching the screen and getting frustrated when nothing happens (I’m special okay?) but otherwise, it’s really nice to type on a full-sized keyboard.
I finished reading American Buffalo today. I don’t know why it took me so long to read it because I loved every minute of it. It filled my brain full of curiosity and questions and awe for the history of an animal I knew very little about.
I have a million things I want to say and yet, I can’t find a good place to start.
It feels like Steven Rinella has always been a part of John + my life but in reality, John probably only discovered him and his TV show and podcast (of the same name — Meateater) about two plus years ago. It has profoundly influenced our lives (moreso John’s than mine but by extension). And when John ordered some of Steve’s books from the website (signed copies!!) I idly picked one up and then … never fully set it back down.
I haven’t watched a single TV episode and have only listened to a handful of podcasts. But the book captured my imagination almost instantly. It wove its way through a myriad of things I knew very little about, and because of that I was fascinated. I felt like I was truly learning something new for the first time in a very long time. When I closed it for the last time today, it stayed with me, a shadow of every thought in my brain.
It wasn’t just the history of bison bison across hundreds of thousands of years or the complicated relationship of humans and buffalos. It wasn’t just his quest to hunt and kill a buffalo in Alaska in 2005 after miraculously pulling one of only 24 licenses issued. It wasn’t the archaeology or the anthropology or sociology or economic history. It wasn’t Steve’s personal story, of his love of hunting, his brothers, his discovery of a buffalo skull that triggered the whole thing. It was *all* of it.
It helped me understand an entirely new dimension of my husband. It educated me on the complexities of the European expansion across the United States, the misconceptions of many different factions of people regarding Native American history, buffalo history, hunting history.
I really, really loved it. Read it.
xox, g
Day 27
I’m a very competitive person.
Sometimes this plays in my favor. Other times … it does not.
Recently I’ve become preoccupied with challenges on the Peloton and in doing so, have so fully exhausted myself that I had to take a time out. Recognizing that need was difficult; actually doing it was nearly impossible. I will push myself past all my limits in a fruitless attempt to prove that I can do anything I want. But the truth is, if I do anything I want, there will be consequences, a balancing out. My body can’t sustain hours of cardio and strength workouts every day indefinitely. It just isn’t equipped to do that. And even if it was, it means I can’t do anything else with any degree of efficiency (& this, I have learned clearly over the past few weeks).
So today, the third day that I struggled to get out of bed, I decided to rest. And I spent the day on the couch watching Marvel movies.
Recently, John + I decided to purchase all the Spider-Man movies in a bundle pack, because even though we own the two newest (of the MCU) we didn’t have either Tobey Maguire or Andrew Garfield’s movies. And we like binge-watching so this seemed as good a thing to binge as anything, considering that characters from both those franchises are rumored to be featured in the newest MCU installment (tentatively scheduled for release in December of this year).
We weren’t always MCU nuts, but once we went down the rabbit hole, we really committed. So this newest purchase wasn’t outside the realm of things we would do.
Having now watched all seven movies (recently) I can understand why the MCU might have picked the villains they picked to re-introduce. And seeing the different iterations of Peter Parker is fascinating in the progression of the character. Could Tom Holland’s Spidey be as good as he is had Tobey Maguire and Andrew Garfield not preceded him? I’m not sure. I like how each Spidey is his own unique interpretation of the character. But there are also so many similarities in the interpretations that are kind of fascinating.
To begin, I loved the Tobey Maguire movies when they came out. Revisiting them was nostalgic, but it also highlighted to me how weak he was as an actor, and certain compromises that seem to be made in Spidey to accommodate for that. Andrew Garfield, a much stronger actor, made Spidey funnier, more nuanced, and altogether more Marvel (for lack of a better descriptive word). The second “Amazing Spider-Man” (which suffered a little from the same disease as the third Tobey Maguire Spidey … aka, too many stories happening to do them all justice) was actually pretty powerful in its portrayal of Electro, the love story of Gwen and Peter and Gwen’s ultimate demise. My heart still stopped watching her fall and that final moment when Peter’s web caught her but she was too close to the ground. Oof. I loved the humanity of Sally Field’s Aunt May (and Martin Sheen’s Uncle Ben) and all in all, I much preferred those two movies to the first three.
And that brings us to Tom Holland and the behemoth that is MCU.
Do I think Spider-Man: Homecoming is the best movie ever? No. It’s not even the best Spidey movie (I reserve that for Far From Home). But it so significantly improves upon all that came before it that it’s hard to compare. To begin, the ages of the main characters are much more realistic than 27-year-old Tobey Maguire playing a high schooler. Tom Holland is a delightful blend of funny, insecure, intelligent and awkward that makes his portrayal of Spider-Man utterly enjoyable. And the supporting cast —- Flash and Aunt May (who doesn’t love Marisa Tomei?!?) and Ned and MJ …. all brilliant. Jake Gyllenhall’s Mysterio is amazing — a crazy blend of mentor and villain and mastermind and insecure megalomaniac. And Michael Keaton as Vulture in Homecoming? Loved it. Loved it even more re-watching it. They just elevated the game to a whole new level.
Anyway. That’s what I was up to today. That, and discussing with John the pitfalls of my Peloton obsession. Oh well. I guess I just have to keep learning the same lessons over and over until I get it. Life, right?
Xoxo, g
Day 26
My brother-in-law Alan was born 41 years ago today.
I loved Alan. He could make anyone smile, his laugh was infectious and earning an air-kiss a special privilege.
We lost him nearly a year ago. It was devastating.
I think about him a lot. We didn’t see him enough while he was alive, but the times we did see him lifted my soul up. He was the most joyous human I’ve ever met.
Alan had cerebral palsy so we could never talk to him — we could talk *at* him and hope we understood his response. We could laugh and tell him stories and hope that we understood his reactions. We could hypothesize what he might have said had he been able to tell us what he really thought. But we never knew. And that … that was awful.
What was never in doubt – not ever – was how much he loved John. His whole being lit up when his brother arrived to see him and his devastation when we left was real. He stared at John, rapt with love and so many words unsaid. He laughed and swung his arms in excitement; he withheld kisses until John had sufficiently apologized for our long absence (yet again).
The world is certainly a darker place without Alan in it. My heart hurts thinking about it.
Xox, g
Day 25
Today was the first day of the second half of John’s fiscal year.
I don’t know much about corporate norms other than what I have learned vicariously through John, but today began a new weekly series of calls that he must be on every week. And they begin at 8am.
He doesn’t mind (and I certainly don’t … it doesn’t really affect me at all) but I am always intrigued by such early, mandatory team meetings on a Monday (or a Friday, when John has his other big round of calls). I mean, yes, in terms of the work week, it definitely makes sense. Start the week and end the week prepping/recapping business. But whew, 8am. That’s an early start for corporate America (based on John’s prior company policies). When I was gainfully employed I held our manager’s meeting on Tuesday at 10a (which I know was a struggle for some of my employees because … well … they either didn’t get there in time or didn’t get there at all…). However, that was the restaurant industry. For me to be prepared by 8a on a Monday would either require prep work on Sunday or getting up *very* early on Monday morning. John does the latter, because he refuses to work on weekends unless it’s *absolutely* necessary. It isn’t so bad (I guess) as it jump starts his week … but what a way to begin! There’s no easing into work with that call schedule!
As non-drinkers and early to bed people, early on a Monday (or a Friday) isn’t wildly challenging for him. I mean, the man wakes up at 3am voluntarily to fish and hunt, so he’s not unfamiliar with the morning. But I wonder about all those people who might have stayed up too late or had one two many cocktails … and I feel hungover just contemplating it. I have flashback memories …. ugh. Woof!
Anyway. He’s been busy all day and that’s a pretty regular Monday for us. I have a policy of never missing a Monday workout, and I made a schedule for housework when COVID began because time can be tricky (and also it’s easy to forget!). So Mondays are go go go for us. Coming off another headache week I was pleasantly surprised that I wasn’t as behind with all my chores as I’d dreaded. I dragged my feet with workouts but I got them done, so that’s what really counts and now, after blogging, I’ll head downstairs to figure out dinner and read a little while John hits the gym. I might even make some cookie dough batter for ginger cookies …. We’ll see.
Today falls into the column of “I had a lot of thoughts this morning but by the afternoon the fatigue has erased them all” blog post. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
At least the laundry and the banking are done.
Xox, g
Day 24
There was a plaque that hung next to my mother’s bed for most of my young life (probably all of it). It was made for her by a friend named Jo Wilson who lived in Montana. I grew up knowing who Jo was because it was a trip to help Jo care for her two young children that inspired my mother to want children of her own. The plaque read “Change Your Thoughts and You Will Change Your World.”
I have since learned that this quote was authored by Norman Vincent Peale. I learned this after my mother’s death when we were designing the pamphlet for her celebration of life and we chose to include it. Funny how something can influence your entire existence and yet you only learn its provenance when your mother dies and you need to put something together to commemorate her.
It’s how my mother lived her life. It’s how she taught David and I to live ours. I don’t think it was always easy for her. It certainly hasn’t always been easy for me. And yet, it does magically give you perspective when you desperately need it. Change your thoughts; change your world. Whether intentionally or not, she laid the seeds in both of us to consider and learn about Eastern philosophy. The power of the mind. Intentions. Positivity.
I believe that life is a series of choices. And we control our fate. How we frame things, how we choose to feel … not just the obvious choices but all the tiny ones in between. Do I choose to be sad all the time about the hand that I’m playing in this game called life? Do I choose to greet each day as a blank slate, ready to be filled with knowledge and wonder? I believe that I have that choice. I don’t believe it is all written for me. Maybe there’s an outline, maybe fate plays a part, but my choices determine my outcome.
Sometimes I didn’t even know I was making choices. But I was. And here I am now. Nearly a whole month into a new year. Making choices big and small every moment of every day. It’s truly awesome to contemplate.
Change your thoughts and you will change your world. Yes.
Xox, g
Day 23
I try to write before the end of the day because by now, I’m tired and all I want to do is go to bed. But I made this promise to myself, this New Year’s Resolution. And I’m not ready to give up just yet.
So here I am.
Last night we wrapped our evening at 8pm because I was just emerging from headache hell and I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I slept for nearly eleven hours. My body was wiped.
This morning we lounged around the house, reading books, listening to vinyl, talking about life and philosophy and the “Big Questions.” I feel immense gratitude that J+I have these kinds of conversations regularly because if he wasn’t here to talk to, I don’t know what I’d do. I thought, while we talked, what great seeds of ideas it all was for a blog post. But now, tonight, as I sit here, my mind is blank.
Being ‘sick’ is exhausting. It’s unrelenting. It sneaks up on you when you let your guard down. It’s tiring — which is a completely different thing than being exhausting. It’s … it’s just really hard. And it never stops. And that wears a person down.
Sometimes I’m at a loss as to how to rest enough to feel recuperated.
But I’m here and I’m typing and I’m editing sentences as I go. So, there’s something in that. I didn’t miss another day because I got distracted by lethargy.
Xox, g
Day 22
The thing about being in constant, acute pain over a long period of time is that you lose all concept of reality. And then, when the pain begins to recede your body basically collapses from fatigue; from the sustained effort of constantly fighting and managing the unending agony.
I know that I need to see a doctor about these headaches. I know it, but just contemplating it exhausts me to the point of tears. After the absolute song and dance of my latest tele-medicine appointment, and the even more discouraging news and diagnosis’ (if you can call them that if even the doctor isn’t really sure) …. Anyway, the prospect of starting another health journey is both excruciating and heartbreaking for me.
Doesn’t mean I won’t do it. Just means I get a little more sad every time I do.
I’m hoping today is the last day of pain. I’m hoping that tonight I sleep. I’m hoping a lot of things.
Wish me luck.
Xox, g
D5 Creation