I woke up early Saturday morning.  Lucy had had surgery the day before and we’d all curled up and fallen asleep at our usual time (aka, early).   I picked up my phone and scrolled Instagram (as I do).  At first I was confused … why were there so many Black Panther posts?

And then it all began to make sense.  I scrolled faster, I searched. I read bits and pieces, achingly sad snippets from person after person.  I finally read the post on Chadwick Boseman’s page.  I can’t explain how it made me feel.

At first, I hoped that maybe, it wasn’t true.  Maybe I wasn’t understanding it properly. How had I not known he was sick?  Maybe we’d all just collectively learned about his cancer.  He couldn’t possibly be  … dead.

And then, after reading the truth, my whole body began to shake,  tears streaming down my face, my breathing shallow and uneven.  This man, this king, this enigma had died of colon cancer.  And he was barely older than me.

Colon cancer.  The beast that took my mother, my grandfather.  It terrified me.

Looking back at recent photos of Chadwick, I could see the cancer in his face — that tired, drawn look of someone smiling through pain.  The look that haunted my mother’s face for more time than we all acknowledged.  The grayness, the dull skin, the too-large eyes against hollowing cheeks, a stark jawline.

He hid it well.  Some sick people really do.  He focused on the things that mattered to him, the things he wanted to accomplish, and promote. He believed he would beat cancer. He didn’t distract the world with his illness and take away from the spendor of what he did, what he accomplished as an actor and an artist.  He let his work speak, his thoughtful responses to questions.  His actions, both public and private.

And we all mourn him, and marvel at what he was able to do, while battling silently.

My heart breaks over and over again.  Every day, every time I think through the choices he made in the face of devastating odds.  He was so much more than an actor.  He was the embodiment of a king, a legend.  A soul meant to teach us and guide us.  A soul taken far too soon.

I think about my own health battles ~ the war I wage every day against an unbeatable foe.  And I find inspiration in his example; in his relentless pursuit of his dreams.

Wakanda Forever.

xox, g