I wish I had something insightful to say today.

I don’t.

I feel so overwhelmingly tired.  Every part of my body feels like a one-ton weight.  My arms, my legs, my neck.  My head is screaming with pain.  It is a migraine … something that has become all too frequent of late.

Today felt full … that feeling of eating too much, too fast.  It went by in a blur … and I’m fairly sure I accomplished things.  But not the things I’d set out to do in the morning.  So regardless of how much I accomplished, today feels wasted.  How did I run out of time?  How did I get to the end with so many things unattended?

Perhaps that’s a mental issue I struggle with.  I certainly struggle with perfectionism and OCD.  Two things that dictate my day … doing, being, performing perfectly.  Checking all the boxes.  Doing all the things.

Am I rambling?  It doesn’t look like I’ve written much but my brain is running, overflowing.  I am frustrated by my disease, by the pain in my body I cannot fix, by my unrelenting fatigue and how it steals my time … my days.  Angry at the fog of my brain and the unresponsiveness of my body.

I think about Dr. Markowitz and how he infuriating responds to so many of my concerns … “It could be MS.  Or it could be your age.” A pause.  “Or something else.”

So, um, life? It could be life.  The aches and the pains, the stiffness and the desperate, constant need for more sleep.  Of waking unrested.  Yes.  Life.

I start every Monday with a fresh slate.  I begin again.  I set goals and strive to achieve them.  Hitting road blocks along the way just isn’t my favorite thing.  And yet, here I am.  On Monday.  Exhausted.  Fuzzy.  Ready to be done.

Reframe it.  Find gratitude.  It feels nearly impossible.  But I sat down and I typed.  For the fifth day in a row.  And for that, I am grateful.

Ha!  I did it.

xox, g