I don’t know if anyone reads this blog. And I’m totally okay with that.  I like having a space to talk (even if it’s just to myself!). I like having a space to think things out.  Oftentimes, after I’ve written I feel lighter, as though heavy thoughts that have burdened me are no longer weighing on my shoulders.

I began this blog in June 2011 as a way to learn to cook.  And in January 2013 when I was positively diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, it became a place I came to to work through things.  To share the chaos in my mind.  This past year, it has been an outlet for the grief that has pulsed through my veins since losing my mother.

And now, I need it to be something else.  I need it to be where I write every day and share my world view.  Because I’ll turn 40 in just over a month, and I need to feel like my life has purpose.  As though it has shape.  We all spend an amazing amount of time running the rat race — pushing through minutes and hours and days to get to a nebulous destination.  I have had the great priviledge of not having to work for the last few years.  And it has given me such perspective on the question “Why?”.

I thought about beginning this month as daily postings about gratitude.  I love the exercise and I think it’s so worthwhile to focus on what we are grateful for, and give thanks to those people who positively impact our lives.  But … I can do that on Instagram.  I can do that anywhere.  What can I do here that will mean something?

Honestly.  I don’t know.

Life feels fraught at the moment.  We are all doing the things we need to do to survive, to be part of society.  We hand out candy on Halloween, our front stoop a riot of mums and pumpkins and scarecrows.  We do the laundry and call the contractor about the leaky roof.  We make sure to order our dog’s medicine and pick up the dry cleaning.  We do the things.

To what end?  What are our goals? Why do we do the things we do?  Have we prioritized our time?  Are we acting in the best interest of our loved ones — and more importantly — ourselves?

I have deeply struggled for many months … perhaps years … with the question of “What’s Next?”  What should I be doing, what am I obligated to do … what will garner the least judgement from my peers (this is a real concern, and I’m not proud of it, but I do worry about judgement).

It hasn’t been an easy road.  And I have had many other things to consume me, as well.  I have wavered, I have tried things, I have made decisions only to renege.  I have wondered and soul searched and felt completely and utterly lost.

I don’t know if I’ve found my way.  But I do think I have an idea.  And for right now, I’m beginning here.  I’m starting small.  And I will grow, one day and one moment at a time.  And if you are reading this (if anyone is reading this! haha!) — Thank You.  And I hope you enjoy this new journey.

xox, g