I’ve been in my head a lot recently.

Maybe always … but I’m just more aware of it right now.

One of my closest friends recently confessed to a minor mid-life moment.  We’re not old — thirty-five, thirty-six — that’s not old.  But it’s a moment.  It’s a time when you really hope you have your sh*t together. You aren’t twenty-something anymore.  You can’t sort of float through things, hoping you find a current and somehow a direction.  The mistakes feel bigger, the consequences heavier.  You are settled into life — into a job, or if you’re lucky, a career.  You’re married.  Or you’ve been traveling with someone for a long time. Your lives are woven together.  You’ve had a child or a pet longer than you spent time in college.  College … it feels farther and farther away.

Time keeps ticking.  It never stops.  Which isn’t overwhelming really … until it is. Until expiration dates begin arriving, until you look at your parents and see the gray in their hair, until you realize that you’ve lived away from home nearly longer than you lived there.

Making changes becomes harder.  Somehow, when the whole world is ahead of you, anything is possible.  But as you become settled, change becomes less exciting and more burdensome.

I’m in my head because I somehow found myself where I am — in the job/career I have. It wasn’t necessarily a choice I made.  I was that kid who floated and ended up somewhere unintentional.  I’m not ungrateful — but there are moments when I feel trapped.  By bills.  By obligations — by having to be a grown up.  By bedtimes and early wake-ups and laundry and cleaning and dishes.

Anyway, I’m not really going anywhere with this — just writing to try to help my mind settle.  Hopefully.